When you’re dating at a certain age, it’s a question that’ll inevitably come up fairly early on: ‘Do you want children?’
If you’re both on the same page about parenthood, you might’ve caught yourself wondering how both you and your partner will fare if you welcome your first little one.
You might have a list of baby names at the ready, have rough timelines in mind for when you want to conceive, or even have envisaged how you’ll decorate the baby’s room.
But realistically, is it possible to know whether your other half will be a good parent before they become one? And how do you know if they’re the right parenting partner for you?
Sure, they look after you when you’re sick, they’re a whizz in the kitchen, and they have a great sense of humour, but how useful actually are these traits in practice? Metro chatted to an expert to find out.
What conversations should I have with my partner before parenthood?
As Julia Goodall, clinical psychologist at Grounded Families, tells Metro, it’s not always possible to fully predict how you or your partner will be as parents simply because there are ‘so many moving parts.’
‘Parenting relationships are impacted by each child, their health, temperament and how well you get on with them as people,’ Julia explains.
‘Parents often struggle with children who remind them of parts of themselves they don’t like or find difficult to accept — this can hugely impact their ability to parent these parts of their children.’
Before you have children, Julia recommends asking yourself – and your partner – what you both believe the point of parenting is.
In her view, some people will see it as their mission to ensure their children are ‘kind, considerate people,’ while others might view it more as ‘giving them the circumstances in which they are most likely to thrive.’
With this in mind, she advises being ‘clear about what your beliefs are’ as well as ‘what you’ll bring to parenting, as it’s never a neutral experience.’
‘Your belief will deeply impact what you feel is important and what you prioritise for your children,’ Julia reminds us.
What personality traits might suggest my partner will make a good parent?
That said, there are a few possible indicators of ideal personality traits in a parent, from emotional intelligence to communication.
If they’re constantly losing their temper while trying to find a parking space, or can’t wait in a queue for five minutes, take note. You don’t want to end up parenting two children – one of them being your partner.
Strong emotional intelligence
Your partner’s relationship with their own emotional intelligence is key in suggesting how easily they might adapt to parenthood.
How do they speak about and experience their emotions? Are they able to practise empathy and put themselves in other people’s shoes?
It’s an even bigger green flag if they’ve been to therapy to process ‘what they struggle with, how they can support themselves, and understand what they bring from their own family of origin.’
As Julia explains, emotional regulation might also show up in your partner’s relationships with other people, as well as with things like food, alcohol and money.
‘The most important thing here is insight and responsiveness. We don’t need to be perfect, but we do need a good map of who we are as people and what we need to support ourselves in life,’ she notes.
An ability to manage conflict
Your partner’s relationship with conflict can also hold up a mirror to their parenting potential. How do your arguments play out? Are they able to accept differences without completely shutting down?
As Julia explains, these are patterns which will have ‘developed during childhood and might be a mixture of learned behaviours and their felt sense of safety in relationships.’
However, don’t worry if you are accustomed to an argument or two every now and then, as conflict can be ‘normal and healthy,’ so long as mutual respect is given and communication is practised throughout.
Good communication skills
Speaking of communication, it’s imperative that they’re able to reflect their feelings to you.
And, as Julia notes, it might be much easier to uphold this in a work setting than it is to transfer this mentality to relationships, when your body is more likely to be ‘flooded with emotions and stress hormones.’
‘Can they make their beliefs and feelings known without shaming or diminishing yours? Communication is key to parenting, both with each other and with your child,’ she believes.
‘Who does the school run or takes sick leave when children are ill are two of thousands of tiny daily decisions you’ll have to make as parents, and you’ll need to be able to have these discussions to figure this out.’
An ability to engage with humour and play
If they can take the stress out of a situation by diffusing it with laughter, they could be an ideal parent. Parenting can be unpredictable, and in Julia’s view, humour and play are ‘hugely underrated markers of a flexible parent.’
‘Can they be silly and play? This secret ingredient shows us a partner can be vulnerable and doesn’t take themselves too seriously,’ she explains.
‘Life can be hard and messy, and someone who can find lightness and joy in everyday moments offers a bit of magic to the mundanity of raising small children together.’
Practising self-compassion and self-care
Whether it’s sticking up for themselves in a social situation or recognising and owning their imperfections, practising self-compassion and self-care are also critical.
‘Self-compassion shows that your partner has an understanding that they are imperfect and can forgive themselves when they make mistakes,’ Julia shares.
‘This makes them less likely to be critical of others, and to be able to extend compassion to you and your children.
‘Self-care in a partner shows an awareness that daily actions of care are cumulative and important actions to take to remain healthy and happy.
‘We want partners who are able to care for themselves, so that you’re not parenting children and a partner.’
Being creative and resourceful
Parenting can land you in some sticky, last-minute situations – and sometimes, you’ll just have to get creative.
If they can ‘think of and execute a meal from the bottom of the fridge ingredients,’ Julia reckons you could be onto a winner. No need to ask what’s for dinner, because they’ll just take the initiative and start cooking.
If they’ll cheerfully eat cold Bolognese, even better, as Julia reckons that ‘cold meals after kids is the norm and can chip away at surprisingly even the best of moods.’
Knowing when to ask for help
You can’t always do everything by yourself – and that sometimes extends to parenting, too.
Julia reckons it’s a huge green flag if your partner ‘knows when to stop to ask for directions,’ as sometimes, admitting defeat can actually be an indicator of relative confidence.
Extra points if they wield an Allen key and build IKEA furniture without losing their cool – because if you can cope with the complicated intricacies of Swedish flatpack, you can master the most challenging of parenting situations, right?
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