An unfulfilling sex life can be a deal breaker in a relationship.
And for one reader, his girlfriend’s ‘vanilla’ preferences in the bedroom were enough for him to dump her.
But now, he’s gone from one extreme to the other, and he’s with a new partner who is a little too adventurous for him.
She wants them to go to sex parties, but he just can’t get on board with the idea, and he’s worried he might be too much of a prude after all.
Read the advice below, but don’t forget to check out last week’s column, where a reader bagged himself a girl way out of his league — but he can’t last in bed.
The problem:
I spent five years with a girl I met at university, who was lovely in almost every way. The one problem in our relationship was that we were sexually incompatible – she liked very vanilla sex, whereas I like to be a bit more adventurous. Eventually, I realised I couldn’t spend the rest of my life being bored in bed, and so I ended things last summer.
I had a few girlfriends over the following months, but at a Christmas party I met the woman I’m with now. We have a great relationship and like me, she is quite ‘out there’ sexually and enjoys the same things that I do. We talk dirty, watch porn and she loves being tied to the bed and other crazy stuff.
Recently, she persuaded me to have a threesome with her and a friend, which was thrilling but slightly weird at the same time. Needless to say, my girlfriend absolutely loved it and now she wants me to go with her to a sex party, which is something she’s done in the past.
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I’m not sure whether I want to watch her getting it on with other people, nor am I keen on the fact that she seems willing to share me. But she keeps telling me I’ll love it, and that it will be just like watching porn, only for real.
I’m trying to be cool about it, but deep down it’s just something I can’t get my brain around. I’m not even sure I would repeat the threesome again, never mind get involved in group sex.
I’d hate to lose this girl because she’s fantastic in every other way, but I worry that we’ve reached the point where we want different things. I keep telling myself not to be a prude, but it isn’t working.
The advice:
I definitely wouldn’t describe you as a prude but like everyone, you have a line you are not willing to cross. That’s nothing to be self-critical about – you like what you like, and you don’t want to go any further.
It doesn’t sound as though your girlfriend is keen to be a one-man woman sexually, and I wonder whether that will put pressure on your relationship. If she wants sex with other people, in a group setting or otherwise, you must ask yourself whether that’s something you’re prepared to accept.
As you discovered with your ex, sexual compatibility is important so you need to have an honest talk with your partner about what you both want. She may not be willing to change, and why should she? But if you too are sure about your own ‘red lines’, then make your feelings clear instead of having doubts in private.
Hopefully you’ll be able to resolve your differences but if you can’t, you might need to go your separate ways. Other women may not be as adventurous as your girlfriend, but it sounds like wild sex isn’t all you need.
It can be hard to meet your perfect match and sometimes compromises have to be made; but from what you say, a loving partner and a monogamous relationship will probably make you happier in the long run.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
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