DEAR DEIDRE: I AM having steamy sex with a colleague. I think about him from the moment I wake up to the minute I go to sleep, but will it ever develop into something more?
We sit opposite one another at work. I’m a woman of 24, he is a couple of years older than me, and very handsome.
We’re both very professional when we’re in the office, but as soon as I saw he’d slid into my DMs, I knew what was coming.
We arranged a drink at a nearby bar and he walked me home.
It was obvious how we both wanted the evening to end and I took him straight up to my room.
Now we meet every week for hot times in bed.
It was just sex with no feelings until a couple of weeks ago when I was at a mate’s barbecue.
A male friend of my colleague was there and he kissed me.
News of the kiss got back to my lover and from that moment our situation feels like it has stopped being just casual sex. We talk more, he is much more attentive and wants to know how I am.
I know he has a reputation for being a bit of a player and loves his happy-go-lucky lifestyle.
Does he want me to think he likes me so he can get what he wants?
Or does he want there to be more to us now? I don’t want to tackle him as I am worried my intuition might be wrong.
He might think I am mad, or too needy for even imagining that he has feelings for me.
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: That kiss at the party may have made your colleague realise he cares for you more than he thought.
It’s impossible to know if your relationship is developing unless you have “the conversation”.
Try not to build it up into a big moment – you can discuss how you both see your arrangement in a relaxed way. A simple “how do you see us?” would add clarity.
You are not being needy by seeking some clarification.
If he communicates he doesn’t want commitment at all, that is the time to consider what you want.
If you’re happy keeping it casual that’s absolutely fine but if you are falling for him it would be wise to explain that your current arrangement doesn’t work for you.
Take the sex off the table to limit any more hurt.
You’ll find out soon enough whether he is willing to lose you to somebody else.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
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DAD-TO-BE WON’T QUIT WEED HABIT
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend has been smoking weed behind my back even though he said he would give up drugs when I became pregnant.
I am 25 and he is 26. We have been together for three years. I knew he smoked dope when we first got together and it has always been an issue between us, but he reassured me that if I ever got pregnant he would give it up immediately.
We are both excited about the pregnancy. I took him at his word and now feel let down. I can smell it on him, and I know the signs. I know he is lying even though he insists he has stopped.
I even asked my parents to talk to him but nothing they say has made any difference.
This baby means everything to me and so does he. It feels like we mean so little to him. Why hasn’t he changed? Should I tell his parents?
DEIDRE SAYS: I’d resist the temptation to tell his parents. Perhaps he is finding stopping harder than he expected.
If he really wants to stop using weed, he needs help. It sounds like he has become dependent.
He can get support from talktofrank.com (0300 123 6600) and my support pack on Drug Worries should also help.
Encourage him to go with you to midwife appointments so he understands how health issues affect your unborn baby.
LIBIDO IS TOO HIGH FOR WIFE
DEAR DEIDRE: WOULD a course of hypnotherapy help me to lower my sex drive?
I am 44 and my wife is 41. We have been married for 12 years and have three children. We have a great relationship, but I have a high sex drive whereas my wife never seems to be in the mood.
I always get up with the kids, and do plenty around the house to help out. I tell her how great she looks and how much I love her but none of this seems to help.
The less sex I get the more I think about it. I am constantly frustrated and usually end up pleasuring myself to relieve the tension but that isn’t what I want.
I’d love to feel closer to my wife, and not have to rely on sorting myself out. I miss the intimacy sex provides.
I was wondering whether hypnotherapy could help. Perhaps if I can lower my sex drive it would be better all round?
DEIDRE SAYS: Hypno-therapy is not the answer – better communication around the benefits of a good sex life is.
Pick a quiet moment when you are both relaxed and tell your wife how much you miss being intimate with her.
You should be able to talk to her about anything. Explain you are worried about her lack of sex drive and you want to support her.
A healthy sex life has huge mental health benefits so it’s understandable that this has been frustrating you.
My support pack Different Sex Drives? explains more.
I KEEP HAVING FAMILY FANTASY
DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though I have a lovely girlfriend, my ex is always on my mind and it is killing me.
I am 34 and my girlfriend is 31. I was with my partner for seven years and we have two daughters. We split up almost three years ago.
She moved to be nearer her parents, but I have kept up contact with our children and see them as much as I can.
Picking up my kids is always tough as it reminds me of happier times.
Seeing her regularly unsettles me and although my ex knows I’ve met someone new, she never seems very happy about it.
We have never attempted to get back together but more recently I have been thinking about her more. Sometimes I dream about her and wonder if I’m still in love with her.
I even fantasize about what I would do to get back with her. When I am drunk, I really want to get in touch and tell her how I feel but so far I have been able to resist.
I miss the daily contact with my daughters.
Do I really want to get back with her and love her or is it just because I want to be with my daughters more and want to be a family again?
I’m so confused about what I really want.
DEIDRE SAYS: Of course it’s understandable that seeing your ex when picking up the kids makes you miss her.
It can be a reminder of what you have lost – but it doesn’t necessarily mean that it would be right to go back to her.
You don’t know how she feels. Perhaps it’s time to discuss whether she would ever try again but don’t get your hopes up.
If you are to rekindle your relationship, for your girls’ sake, you must work out what went wrong to cause you to split up.
Consider couple’s counselling, you can arrange that via tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1960).
And do the right thing by your current girlfriend, be honest if you do decide to go back to your ex.
