Romance scams are frighteningly common, with Barclays research revealing one in 10 UK adults have been targeted by someone posing as a love interest.
Hull-based Jenny, 45, suspects her widowed mother has fallen victim to one of these conmen – an online boyfriend claiming he’s a US military veteran.
However, the more Jenny does to try and keep her mum safe, the more she’s pushed away.
In this week’s Metro’s Money Problem, personal finance journalist and consumer champion Sarah Davidson offers her advice on what to do.
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The problem…
My 68-year-old mum is currently ‘in a relationship’ with a man she’s never met, who I’m pretty sure is scamming her.
After my dad died in 2020, she started spending more time on social media, which seemed like a good way to help her feel less lonely. However, a few months back she mentioned a new Facebook friend called Don, and as soon as she said he was in the US army, alarm bells started ringing.
I’ve sent her links about romance scams and warned her over and over to be careful, only to be brushed off. It’s as if she’s in denial. Even more worrying, when I asked if she’d sent him any money, she just avoided the question.
I don’t have access to her bank accounts to find out for sure, but is there anything I can do to protect her?
The advice…
Jenny, I am so sorry – this does indeed sound very much like your mum is being targeted by a romance scammer. And as you are finding, the most terrifying thing about this type of crime is how completely victims are conned into believing the person they are speaking to really is who they say they are.
They appear to be the perfect partner, kind, loving, thoughtful, interested in all of the same things. They spend hours and hours messaging online – the amount of time they take to build up trust with their victims is astonishing. But language is manipulative, preying on insecurities, fears and loneliness to become that person’s confidante, turning them away from real family and friends by planting doubts and distrust in their minds.
And then slowly they start asking for money – sometimes small amounts on an Amazon or Apple gift card ‘for the grandkids’, sometimes thousands of pounds ‘borrowed’ to deal with a freak crisis.
Over time, these criminals can bleed their victims dry, draining life savings and destroying lives. Barclays estimates that romance scam victims lost an average of £8,000 each to bogus partners last year alone, but where the victim was aged 61 or over, that figure rose to £19,000.
Heartbreakingly, your mum sounds like an absolute prime target – she recently lost your dad, leaving her without her lifelong partner for the first time in decades, dealing with grief and the reality of looking after her life’s logistics alone.
Now, your mum clearly has you looking out for her. Thank the stars. The challenge for you is that, as you’ve discovered, it’s not as simple as pointing out to her that ‘Don’ might be too good to be true.
You have – absolutely correctly, I hasten to add – sent her links about romance scams and warned her about sending money to someone she’s never met. This is a perfectly logical and sensible response, yet she’s determined to brush you off.
If you’re going to help your mum through this, it’s vital to understand that it’s not just the risk of losing money. Realising you’re the victim of a crime can be emotionally crushing. The psychological effects can be far, far worse than the financial fallout.
Dopamine hit
You see Don as a one-dimensional constructed cliché, with no real evidence that he exists beyond an avatar online. It’s totally different for your mum. She sees Don as a person who invests a lot of time talking to her. He has a back story, relationships, opinions, he makes her laugh,makes her feel special, listened to, loved, valued. He does this day in, day out, and every time, your mum gets a dopamine hit in her brain.
Dopamine is a chemical released in our brain when something nice happens to us, giving that warm, fuzzy feeling. The more you do something that releases dopamine, the more dopamine your brain wants. So you do it again and again. This is where addictions are born – and we know with addictions, all logic can go out of the window.
Shame and guilt
Next, imagine how your mum is going to feel if Don’s not real? You and I both know she shouldn’t be ashamed, but trust me, she would be inhuman if she didn’t.
Admitting you’ve been duped involves admitting you trusted the wrong person. In ‘normal’ social interactions, we have all kinds of ways to check whether a person is trustworthy, from what mutual acquaintances say to their body language. Your mum doesn’t have any of that with Don.
It’s ridiculous to think we should be able to spot scammers a mile off – they are highly skilled and trained to get us on their side. Yet victims of fraud almost always say they feel embarrassed they were taken in.
Shame stops victims getting help
National Trading Standards research shows three quarters of UK adults – 40 million people – have been targeted by scams.
Roughly half of them lost money, half felt angry with themselves, and four out of 10 felt stupid or ashamed.
However, out of every 10 scam victims, just three told the police, four told their families or friends and six told their bank.
Consequences
What happens if your mum does admit Don is a fake? What if she’s already given him money?
She’s likely to be left feeling foolish, hurt and alone, like you’re ready to say ‘I told you so’, and guilty over money she’s lost that’s now not there for her family. On top of all that, your mum will have lost the person she’s been talking to about everything – her partner, Don.
For you and me, seeing Don as a scammer is a relatively straightforward call. For your mum, it’s shattering.
So, what can you do? There are several practical steps to take, laid out below, which I strongly recommend you both follow as soon as possible. Before that though, your mum is going to need to feel safe about questioning her relationship with Don, and safe that if he’s not what he says he is, she has love and support all around her.
Although she doesn’t seem to want to engage talks about the possibility of this being a scam, I’d encourage you keep trying. Choose a time when you both have a few hours to see one another face to face and you have privacy.
Ask her gentle questions about him in a non-confrontational way – he matters to her, you want to know more about him. If the answers start to become evasive quickly, lay out your concerns – you’d like to meet him. Does she plan to see him in person?
Jumping straight to ‘I think you’re being scammed’ is likely to shut down the conversation. Instead, ask how he makes her feel, does she feel she sees enough of her family and friends? Is there more you and others around her can do to support her?
Questions to ask a loved one you suspect is being romance scammed
- Has he/she said he loves you? How soon was that?
- Are you talking on Facebook or on other social media, email or messaging apps?
- Does he/she promise to meet you and then cancels?
- Has he/she asked for your personal information?
- Has he/she asked for money? What are the circumstances?
- Does he/she give you lots of attention and praise and then suddenly withdraw it, leaving you confused and abandoned before going back to being normal?
- Have you spoken on the phone?
- Is he/she going through a personal tragedy or difficulty? What help has he/she asked you for?
Be aware that AI and voice filters mean scammers can now have conversations without giving away identity traits. You could, however, do a reverse image search of his profile picture – on the likes of Google, TinEye or Duplichecker – to see where else it has been used and if it’s associated with another name.
If she agrees, help her to report any suspicions you have to your local police force. You are in Hull, so should report to Humberside Police, but I recommend also making a report with Action Fraud, the central UK police fraud department.
Additionally, you should get her to contact her bank to register your concerns and/or report any transfers she might already have made.
However, she may not agree to any of this – and if that’s the case, you could speak to an adviser at charity Hourglass, which offers free and confidential help for anyone worried about an older person who may be at risk of, experiencing or recovering from abuse (scams count as a form of financial abuse).
Whatever happens, be ready to support her. It will likely be very emotional and take a huge amount of strength from both you and your mum to get through it.
Sarah Davidson is an award-winning financial editor and head of research at WPB.
Got a money worry or dilemma? Email sarah.davidson@metro.co.uk
