How I stopped feeling insecure when my partner didn’t orgasm

Looking up at Barry’s* face, I noticed a bead of sweat running down his forehead.

We’d been having sex in the same position for nearly 30 minutes; Barry looked exhausted and ready to give up – and he wasn’t the only one. 

But I didn’t want to be the one to throw the towel in, so I waited patiently until he himself finally admitted what we both knew – the orgasm wasn’t coming.

We’d tried a lot of different things to help Barry climax – oral sex, mutual masturbation and a variety of positions – but nothing had worked.

You might think this would be a crisis – an event that prompted some serious introspection. But we had known each other for a while and weren’t bothered. 

‘Don’t stress it,’ I told him, adding, ‘Next time’.

And that’s what I want men and women to realise – it’s simply not a big deal, for either party, not to finish every time. 

While it is true that there’s an ‘orgasm gap’ between genders – with women having far fewer orgasms during sex – it is equally true that men can also struggle to ‘get there’.

A 2022 study showed that only 30% of women have an orgasm every time they have sex, and while the number for men was far higher at 61%, there still was far from a perfect success rate. 

And there are lots of reasons for that, from stress, to medication side effects, or simply just personal preference. 

Nowadays, I know not to take it badly if a man can’t climax, but back in my early 20s, I wasn’t quite so informed.

Like with Derek*, a man I was sleeping with back then. 

He was tall and strong – and had a sexual stamina like nothing I’d ever experienced.

There was just one issue: He took a very long time to orgasm, if he did at all.

I’m not shaming my former lover but you see, Derek was large in more ways than one, meaning our hours-long sessions would start to get pretty painful for me. 

Because our situation was quite new and we were quite young, we didn’t talk about this in any big detail.

However, Derek acknowledged that he knew that it took him ‘forever’ to ejaculate. 

To borrow his own words, ‘It’s always been this way for me, I just need more time than most guys.’ 

Eventually, the fact that Derek was so at ease with his own personal orgasm gap made me relax, too. 

Sometimes he came, sometimes he didn’t – but it didn’t stop us from having great sex.

If my vagina felt a bit sensitive after a while, we would swap penetrative sex for something else or stop altogether.

But not every experience has been quite this easy.

I’ve been with men who went cold if I even mentioned them struggling to orgasm, even if I reassured them we were having great sex.

Some of them didn’t acknowledge that anything was amiss, while others just shrugged it off without speaking.

Of course, if you are discussing someone else’s orgasms, no matter their gender, it’s crucial not to sound accusatory or judgemental.

Stay away from phrases like ‘Why can’t you cum?’ or, ‘It’s me, isn’t it?’.

That’s easier said than done. Believe me, I understand that it can be stressful and anxiety-inducing if you are giving someone your A game and there’s no ‘end result’.

But remember this: Some people, men included, are happy just enjoying the sensations of sex and consider this a ‘win’ in itself.

Secondly, and much more importantly, don’t assume you know why someone doesn’t orgasm.

One ex once told me that he’d had a long day at work and he really enjoyed our sex, but he was too distracted that night to climax.

Another lover had been working hard outdoors all day, and in a number of ways simply didn’t have the juice. 

My current boyfriend doesn’t always orgasm during sex either – but there’s no nefarious reason behind it.

Sometimes, Alex prefers for just me to climax, because he finds it as rewarding as if he’d cum himself.

Other times, we both like having lazy, slow sex that is about us feeling close and connected, not rushing to an imaginary finish line. 

Despite being quite confident in myself and our sex life, even now I admit that I have occasionally wondered if perhaps I’ve not done ‘enough’ to help him reach the ‘Big O’.

There’s no shame in feeling insecure – it happens to all us, even the bold, confident sex columnists of the world.

But when this happens to me, I do the same thing every time: I ask Alex for reassurance – and he confirms what I already know.

Him choosing not to pursue an orgasm at all costs has nothing to do with my sexual skills or attractiveness.

Nothing is ‘wrong’. Like me, he sometimes just ‘doesn’t feel like having an orgasm’.

It’s all about communication. 

So let’s all stop worrying, and enjoy our sex lives, whatever the outcome. 

Names have been changed

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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