Walking home from school recently, my six-year-old son, Felix, started begging for a Magnum ice cream.
He was looking longingly in the shop window, practically drooling, but as he’d already had his after-school snack of a cereal bar and fruit, my mind was already made up.
‘No,’ I said firmly. And that was that.
Many parents might fear that such a steely response could result in a meltdown, complete with crying, flailing and stamping of feet. And while that would have been true a few years ago, nowadays my son knows the drill.
When I tell him ‘no’, I don’t hear another pipsqueak from him because, no matter what anyone says, saying no to your child is a good thing.
In fact, that’s exactly why I don’t do the whole ‘gentle parenting’ thing. I find it completely toxic and think it’s essentially setting your child up for failure, particularly when they get out into the big bad world and hear the word ‘no.’
Gentle parenting isn’t exactly a new technique – its core principles were established in the 1930s – but it has evolved in the last 20 years to become the approach we know it as today.
Essentially, this parenting style asks you as mum or dad to be calm and careful with your words and be acceptive of different behaviours or emotions. And that doesn’t stop even if your little darling has just gone berserk because they can’t watch another episode of Peppa Pig.
With more than 220,000 videos tagged on the subject on TikTok alone, it’s clear that many parents have jumped on the trend, and, for a while, I was one of them.
When Felix was three, I decided to give it a go. I’d seen a couple of articles and thought it sounded like a calm, zen atmosphere, which would make the day flow smoothly.
Not to spoil the ending, but I lasted about half a day.
My great experiment unravelled when he refused to put his shoes on and wanted to leave the house with a ton of toys.
In theory, it was all simple enough: I just had to get down to his level and calmly explain why he had to put his shoes on and why it was impractical to bring all his toys with him while validating his feelings.
But as I did this, he tried to gouge my eyes out.
After 10 tries, I chucked the toys in the corner, shoved his shoes on and bolted out the door.
He was still wailing like it was the end of the world as I scuttled past my neighbour, feeling embarrassed and hoping they wouldn’t notice. But as soon as we were walking, he began to relax in his pushchair and enjoy the sun.
Apparently, you’re meant to breathe through the fury. I couldn’t think of anything worse.
From that moment, I made a firm decision: In our household, there are rules, boundaries, consequences, respect and good manners.
Some would say that’s authoritative, but I think it’s setting him up with all the values he needs for life.
Despite my own disdain for the parenting approach, though, I’ve continued to encounter it ‘in the wild’ and, let me tell you, it doesn’t look any better when you’re on the outside looking in.
I’ve watched on in horror when, after a child smacked the birthday boy in the face at a party, instead of reprimanding him, the mum of the assailant cuddled her child and cooed: ‘Let’s talk about big feelings.’
I’ve seen mums promise their child a new toy when they’ve just smashed one in a rage, or quickly put Roblox on their phone and pass it over to their child when they’ve become hysterical.
I’ve even had a dad say, ‘we have our own protocol on dealing with things’ when I asked him if he could stop his child hitting my son.
It’s important to note that Felix has Glanzmann’s – a severe bleeding disorder – and I was worried this boy could give him a bleed if it continued. And, spoiler, this man’s protocol was to do nothing.
Zero reprimanding, zero consequences.
I don’t understand how, as a parent, you can just turn a blind eye to bad behaviour like that.
I understand that we want our kids to learn how to respond to stress in healthy ways, to be resilient and to treat others with kindness. But it is also our job to prepare them for the real world.
Coping with life requires toughness and understanding. They will all grow up and learn the challenges, failures and rejections of jobs or relationships one way or another, so what’s wrong with starting them when they’re young?
Yes, it’s embarrassing when a ‘no’ elicits a tantrum, and we can feel we are not doing things right in that moment, but I’m certain your kids will thank you for it one day.
I know I can show Felix plenty of love, empathy, give him cuddles and still say no. And no, I don’t think that makes me a bad mum.
So, unlike celebs like Meghan Markle – who don’t believe in saying ‘no’ to children, and instead say ‘not yet’ – I’ll keep using that word without hesitation. Just try and stop me.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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