If you thought Nikki Glaser went hard during her 2026 Golden Globes monologue, it turns out she was actually holding back, and Sydney Sweeney should probably be sending a thank-you card to Nikki’s legal team. Appearing on The Howard Stern Show, she revealed the jokes that were “too mean” to make the final cut.
Glaser spilled the scripts that never made it to air, and the biggest “oof” was reserved for Sydney Sweeney’s 2025 box office performance.
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The Sydney Sweeney roast that never was
Nikki revealed that if Sydney had been in the crowd, she was ready to go for the jugular regarding her biopic Christy.
“People just aren’t going to the theater to see things,” Glaser told Stern, reciting the cut joke. “If you don’t believe me, there was a movie this year where Sydney Sweeney played a lesbian who just bounced around in tiny shorts for two hours and it made $14.”
For context, Sweeney went through a massive “unrecognisable” transformation to play boxer Christy Martin, but Glaser clearly wasn’t feeling the cinematic magic.
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Sydney wasn’t the only A-lister in the crosshairs
Brad Pitt was also on the list for his role in the racing flick F1. Glaser planned to point out the blatant Hollywood double standards: “When a man turns 60, he gets to play a race car driver. Meanwhile, after 35, every role for a woman is a tired mom who hates her life.”
She also planned to roast Brad’s “method” driving, saying: “Brad, I don’t want to embarrass you, but your blinker was on the whole time.”
Even the legends weren’t safe. While Sean Penn actually attended the ceremony and was called a “sexy leather handbag” to his face, Nikki had much meaner material in the vault.
“Sean Penn is nominated tonight. I’m assuming for best neck veins?” was one option. Another? “Two of the hardest working actors in Hollywood are here tonight: Sean Penn’s lower eyelids.”
As for Julia Roberts, Nikki admitted she cut a joke about her movie After the Hunt because she was afraid of the backlash. The joke? “I don’t know what it’s about, but I’m assuming the hunt was to find someone who’s seen it.” Glaser told Stern she genuinely thought she’d be “tarred and feathered” if she came for Julia.
Finally, Wicked star Jonathan Bailey got a shoutout for his People magazine “Sexiest Man Alive” title. Nikki’s cut joke took a playful swipe at the magazine’s history: “Jonathan is the first openly gay man to be named the Sexiest Man Alive… And at first I was like, do we really need to say ‘openly’? And then I looked at a list of past winners and I was like, ‘Oh, yeah, we do’.”
Between these and the Timothée Chalamet sex jokes that did make the cut, it’s clear that no one is safe when Nikki Glaser has a microphone.
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Featured image credit: YouTube, John Salangsang/Shutterstock
