Standing in the dock, the judge looked at me and spoke the words I’d dreaded.
‘Don’t think because you have children that I won’t give you a custodial sentence.’
I’d hoped that, by pleading guilty to theft, he’d see I was taking responsibility for my actions and take pity on me – after all, I had been coerced into committing the crime in the first place.
But in that moment, my fears were realised. I would go on to serve almost three years in prison and on licence, all because of my abusive ex.
When I met Sean* on a dating app in 2016, I had no idea that he had a criminal record as long as his arm. Back then I thought he was a good man, a dad of two, with a good job working for an energy supplier.
However, a couple of months into the relationship, Sean showed his true colours, hitting me during an innocuous argument at my home.
Sadly, that was just the beginning, and the violence gradually escalated. On one occasion, Sean battered me so badly, I could only drink through a straw for three weeks.
Soon enough, I wasn’t safe anywhere.
While things were undoubtedly worse behind closed doors, he also thought nothing of attacking me on the street in broad daylight.
There were occasions where he’d grab my head out of nowhere and smash it into the window of a parked car as we walked down the street. Other times he’d jump on my foot so hard that I couldn’t walk or he’d try to bite my fingers off.
All the while, onlookers said and did nothing.
This Is Not Right
On November 25, 2024 Metro launched This Is Not Right, a campaign to address the relentless epidemic of violence against women.
With the help of our partners at Women’s Aid, This Is Not Right aims to shine a light on the sheer scale of this national emergency.
You can find more articles here, and if you want to share your story with us, you can send us an email at vaw@metro.co.uk.
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While I never reported him to the police, I knew my 16-year-old daughter had anonymously reported him on a few occasions and around eight months into our relationship, a police officer called to go through Clare’s Law with me.
I can only assume Sean’s probation officer had informed them that Sean had a new partner and that is why they got in touch.
That’s when I found out about Sean’s convictions, which included domestic violence related crimes.
It was at this point that I tried to leave Sean. It was the first attempt of what would turn out to be many.
But no matter what I did, he’d manage to fill my head with nonsense and I’d wind up going back to him.
And each time I did, the violence started again.
During this period, I was working as PA to a solicitor who had his own company.
What to do if you’re experiencing domestic abuse
If you are experiencing domestic abuse, you are not alone. And whether you are currently coping with or have made the decision to leave, you do have options.
- If you are thinking about leaving, domestic abuse charity Refuge suggests starting a record of abusive incidents, which might include saving pictures or messages, or making notes of times, dates and details of incidents.
- The next step is to make copies of important documents such as court orders, marriage certificates, National Insurance Numbers and your driving licence.
- In the meantime, identify the safer areas of your home so that you know where to go if your abuser becomes aggravated. Ideally, this should be a room with a phone and a door or window to the outside.
- If you feel ready to leave, start by making a plan for a safe, reliable route out. If you feel safe to do so, pack an emergency bag so that you leave in a hurry if needed.
- You can access a local refuge, either with or without children, for as long as you need to stay. The address is confidential. The National Domestic Abuse Helpline (0808 2000 247) is open 24-hours a day and has all the details of refuges in your area.
- In an emergency situation, ring 999 and ask for the police. If you aren’t able to talk, try the Silent Solution: after dialling 999, listen to the questions from the operator and respond by coughing or tapping your device, if possible. If prompted, press 55 to let the operator know it’s an emergency – you’ll be put through to the police.
Read more here.
I was trusted by my boss to pay invoices and wages and so had sole use of the financial accounts.
Sean, who had already blown a £10,000 inheritance I received from a family member on drugs, threatened to hurt my children and my elderly boss, if I didn’t take money from the business to fund his habit.
Terrified he’d hurt the people I loved the way he was continually hurting me, I felt I had no choice but to do as he said, withdrawing money for Sean as and when he demanded it without question.
In total, I stole £98,000 over 18 months and only stopped after a cashier questioned some of the deposits I’d made in front of my boss.
That’s when the theft came to light and the police were called.
I was arrested that same day in the bank but was released on bail pending further investigation.
I found out later that Sean was furious while I was under arrest, because he couldn’t get hold of me.
I thought that now the financial supply of the money he’d forced me to steal was gone, he’d leave me.
But he didn’t. He said there were other methods of making money.
Learn more about Advance
While on licence, this author was supported by Advance: ‘I have Advance to thank for helping me move into my most beautiful home ever. They also really helped me build on my self-esteem and self-worth.’
Advance is a charity that helps women and girls who have experienced trauma through domestic abuse and the criminal justice system.
Find out more here: https://www.advancecharity.org.uk/
I was finally able to get away from Sean when the police battered my door down in February 2019 to arrest him for a different criminal offence he’d committed. I was still on bail at the time.
No further action was taken with regards to the criminal offence, but officers then told me they were looking into reports from my daughter that Sean was violent to me.
They knew, for instance, about the time he’d got me in a chokehold and lifted me off the ground with his bare hands.
He was charged and convicted of common assault and assault against a child – on one occasion he’d hurt my daughter’s hand – and given a custodial sentence and a two- year restraining order.
One ordeal was over, but another was just beginning.
In Autumn 2021, I was officially charged with fraud by abuse of position and went to court, where I was given a five-year sentence. Mitigation, however, got this decreased to two years and seven months.
I understand that I had done a terrible thing and that there needed to be consequences, but those years were some of the most challenging of my life.
I feel like the courts didn’t take into account the fact that I had two profoundly disabled children and a 13-month-old son to look after during this time.
Learn more about domestic abuse in the UK
- One in four women experience domestic abuse
- It takes an average of seven attempts for a woman to leave for good
- Police record a domestic abuse every 40 seconds.
- Less than 20% of women who experience partner abuse reported it to police
- 84% of domestic abuse victims are women – 93% of defendents are male
- Disabled women are twice as likely to experience domestic abuse
- Source: Refuge
After an agonising six months in prison, one foster carer agreed to bring my little boy for a visit. It was only when my son was on my lap, having a cuddle and a story, leaning into me, that I felt like I could exhale.
He knew I was his mum, and I had a feeling everything would work out.
In the end, I served 13 months, and the rest of my sentence was on licence in the community.
I’ve been out of prison for three years now and am determined to get on with life as best as I can. I run my own aesthetics business and play an active role on the committee of a housing association. I feel truly in control of my life again.
But none of this takes away from the fact that more could have been done to help me earlier on. The courts and justice system need to look at how they treat victims of abuse, even when they have committed crimes.
Sean is currently incarcerated for his eight breach of the injunction – an extension of the restraining order. He continuously breaches this injunction, ignoring it repeatedly. This year he has been arrested three times.
Sean repeatedly broke the law, yet all he has received is a lifetime restraining order, which he was given alongside the one-year order from 2019.
This is not just.
Yes, I committed a crime, but we must not forget that I was a victim first.
Because it certainly felt like that judge did.
*Name has been changed
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