If you’ve ever found yourself crushing on someone else, relax. It’s perfectly normal – at least according to a psychologist, anyway.
Chartered psychologist Dr Manpreet Duffar-Pottiwal tells Metro there’s no need to be racked with guilt for finding someone other than your partner attractive.
‘Feeling tempted isn’t weakness, it’s human,’ she says.
Of course, if you act on it, that’s a different story. But how should you handle these small crushes while in a relationship?
Attraction is natural
Just because you’re attracted to someone else, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with your relationship.
‘From an evolutionary psychology perspective, humans are not inherently monogamous, and attraction to others can occur regardless of relationship satisfaction,’ Dr Manpreet explains.
‘Attraction is a natural, often involuntary response to stimuli and does not inherently reflect a lack of love or commitment.’
However, she adds it’s important to distinguish between fleeting feelings and sustained emotional investment.
There are some key questions to ask yourself if you find yourself in this scenario.
Dr Manpreet advises self-reflection and examining the root of the attraction. ‘Are there unmet needs, a sense of boredom or even impulsivity?’ she asks.
She also recommends setting some boundaries and limiting interactions with the person to avoid ‘nurturing’ the attraction.
And instead of fuelling the fantasy, you might want to focus on spending time and reinvesting in your current relationship. ‘Focus on enhancing intimacy with your partner through shared activities or communication,’ Dr Manpreet says.
If you’ve tried these steps and are still feeling uncertain, Dr Manpreet suggests seeking support.
She explains: ‘A professional or a therapist can help navigate complex emotions without shame or judgement.’
What should you do when you find yourself attracted to someone else?
Dr Manpreet recommends the following steps:
- Seek support – ‘A professional or therapist can help navigate complex emotions.’
- Self reflection – ‘Examine the root of the attraction.’
- Set boundaries – ‘Limit interactions with the person.’
- Reinvest in the relationship – ‘Focus on enhancing intimacy with your partner.’
Should you share your feelings with your partner?
This depends on the situation.
‘A passing crush may not require disclosure and could cause unnecessary hurt,’ Dr Manpreet explains.
‘However, persistent feelings or crossing the perimeters of a boundary within the relationship warrant honesty to prevent escalation.
And if you act on it? Dr Manpreet says: ‘In my clinical experience, I have found that acting on attraction can diminish trust and destabilise the relationship.’
Dr Manpreet says transparency is critical in this situation, adding that confessing mistakes and seeking couples therapy may help repair a relationship.
‘Repeated actions can be indicative of deeper issues, such as avoidance of intimacy, which can require professional intervention,’ she says.
Where is the line?
According to Dr Manpreet, emotional cheating involves secrecy, emotional dependency and intimate disclosure that is typically reserved for a partner.
‘Attraction is a transient feeling without sustained investment,’ she says. ‘The line is crossed when emotional intimacy replaces or puts the primary relationship at risk.’
While feelings themselves are often neutral, they can come laced with guilt. Some self-compassion is needed in this case, according to Dr Manpreet.
However, she adds: ‘Guilt can serve as a moral checkpoint if actions risk harming the relationship.’
Questions to ask yourself before acting on your attraction
Dr Manpreet suggests asking yourself the following before going any further.
- Can I redirect this energy into improving my current relationship?
- What void am I trying to fill?
- How are my current circumstances influencing the choices I am about to make? How would this impact my partner and relationship?
- Am I rationalising harmful behaviour?
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