When Dizney Hay brought her newborn son home from hospital in August 2023, family and friends flocked to her Islington flat to meet the newest addition and offer support.
‘They helped me with the day-to-day things that needed to be done,’ the 22-year-old mum tells Metro. ‘Everyone wanted to hold Leonardo – he was a novelty.’
However, as the week passed, the visits stopped. Then Dizney split up with her baby’s father and she found herself navigating life as a single mother, amid ‘relentless’ sleepless nights.
‘Leonardo was teething and often cried inconsolably,’ she remembers. ‘I’d be pacing the room, holding him for hours. I remember having to gently lower myself into bed once he finally dozed off, praying he wouldn’t wake up.
‘I felt so lost as being a first-time parent was overwhelming. I had so much anxiety – especially about him crying in public – so I didn’t feel comfortable going out alone.’
It meant the mum and baby spent a lot of time indoors. ‘All self-care went out the window. I couldn’t remember the last time I did something just for me,’ she adds.
Prior to motherhood Dizney had a busy social life, but after having Leonardo, a lot of her friendships faded. ‘They were on a completely different path than me, which is totally understandable – but it was disheartening,’ she remembers.
It was a difficult time, especially as Dizney couldn’t find the words to express how lonely she felt. When she did feel brave enough to speak out, she worried she’d be judged.
‘So I just suppressed it,’ she admits. ‘It’s difficult to allow yourself to be vulnerable when you have a child to protect, and I didn’t want him to witness those moments. I kept telling myself to hold on and manage on my own.’
Dizney is one of many new mums across the UK who feel they need to hide their maternal loneliness behind a mask of happiness. A survey from Peanut and the Maternal Mental Health Alliance, found that 58% of mothers feel the same, while just over half say it has impacted their mental health. Over two thirds added that they were surprised by how isolating motherhood felt.
‘Many mums said they didn’t want to burden others, felt ashamed or embarrassed, or hid it because they believed they ‘should’ be coping,’ Michelle Kennedy, the CEO of Peanut, tells Metro. ‘This silence is reinforced by stigma – mums consider it more of a taboo topic than perineal tears or postpartum sex.’
However, not speaking up is having a worrying impact on new mums, says Georgina Sturmer, a MBACP accredited counsellor. She tells Metro that loneliness can be both a cause and a symptom for poor mental health in motherhood. ‘If we are feeling lonely, then we are less likely to have people to lean on when we need support. And if we are feeling low, or anxious, then it might be harder for us to reach out for help.’
It was only when Leonardo was 18 months, that Dizney forced herself to see a doctor about her mental wellbeing.
‘It wasn’t one big moment that pushed me over the edge, it was a build up – I didn’t know how much longer I could take it,’ she remembers. ‘For the first time since he was born, I broke down in tears. I’d been holding a door shut against a flood and I just couldn’t hold it any more.
Everything I’d bottled up came pouring out. I felt exhausted, alone, and so aware that I needed to do something for both of us, not just me.’
Finding it easier to speak to someone who didn’t know her, Dizney confessed how she was truly feeling and her GP directed the new mum to a number of services and encouraged her to reach out to her health visiting team, who could offer more tailored support.
‘For the first time in ages, I felt seen and heard just by telling someone what I was going through,’ she remembers. ‘I still don’t have it all figured out, but I’m learning and growing.’
‘How could I feel lonely when I had my baby with me?‘
It was at the end of a long 12-hour day – where she just kept looking at the slowly moving hands on the clock as she cared for her ‘miracle baby’ – that Neelam Heera- Shergill remembers crying to her husband when he finally came home.
‘It felt like I’d been alone in a dark room screaming into a void. How could I feel lonely when I had my beautiful girl with me?’ the 35-year-old tells Metro.
Despite being surrounded by her close-knit, South Asian family, Neelam recalls that she still felt isolated during the first year after her daughter Daya’s birth.
‘If I openly tried to tell my family and friends about how I was feeling they would just tell me they had felt the same at some point, and the conversation would end there,’ she explains.
Having previously experienced miscarriages, Neelam had created a strong community of other childless women through her organisation Cysters. However, when she finally gave birth to her daughter, she says many of her good friends disappeared.
‘It was difficult for them – I had my baby, when they didn’t have theirs. I completely understand and respect that, but it’s been hard without them,’ she says.
It meant that the new mum had no one to open up to about just how exhausted she felt, or that she felt like she had ‘lost herself’.
‘I felt I had to be happy, because I’ve got something other people want. But the disconnection is real and insidious. You don’t even realise it’s happening until it’s happened.’
Finally, when her baby was five months old, a friend asked Neelam how she really was. It turned out to be an ‘awakening’ for her.
‘She asked how I was coping with all the change and finally there was someone I could talk to about how I was feeling. Suddenly I didn’t feel as alone.’
The silence surrounding maternal isolation, which is often accompanied by guilt, sadness, and anger, can be hugely dangerous to the wellbeing of many new mums, Amy Tubb at the Maternal Mental Health Alliance, tells Metro.
‘Research tells us that about 70% of mums hide or downplay their struggles. Often, it’s out of fear of being judged, being seen as incapable or unable to cope. In the worst cases, it’s the fear of having their baby taken away,’ she adds.
Peanut’s Michelle Kennedy believes that breaking the societal ‘taboo’ is essential in the first step for change – and it starts with acknowledging that loneliness in motherhood isn’t a personal failing.
‘It’s a systemic issue compounded by unrealistic expectations and a lack of support structures,’ she explains. ‘Starting small can make a difference. Friends and family can play a powerful role simply by asking, listening, and showing up.’
‘I wondered what I was doing wrong’
It was a snowy February morning in 2023, when Marta Ponce, now 34, bundled her two-week-old son in the car to head to the hospital for his routine vaccinations.
With her husband having just returned to his full-time job and no family or friends to ring for help, the new mum made her way across Oxford for the appointment, still in pain from her recent delivery.
‘My car broke down on the side of the road and I was alone with the baby,’ she remembers. ‘How was I meant to sort out my son, me, and a recovery truck, by myself? I was still recovering from my delivery. I was tired from not getting much sleep. I just wanted to cry.’
With Marta’s family in Spain and her husband’s family in India, there weren’t any relations around to support her during those early days. Although she had a small group of friends, they were all busy having babies, too.
‘How are we supposed to help each other?’ she asks.
It was when her husband returned to work after his statutory two weeks off – far too early, according to Marta – that she felt loneliness creep in.
‘I felt less confident in myself. I wondered what I was doing wrong,’ she admits. ‘The baby didn’t understand me, and I didn’t understand the baby.’
Day in, day out, Marta would push her son in his pram around Oxford to pass the time. She’d only speak to other mums for a chat at a Thursday morning baby group hosted by a local charity, which she describes as a ‘joy and a relief’.
The turning point for Marta was when her son was a few months old and she discovered the childcare app, Bubble. In a bid to claw back some ‘me time’ and self-care, she booked someone to take care of her son while she had a break.
Although ‘naturally nervous’ having someone look after her son for the first time, she was reassured that all the childcare providers had been carefully vetted and reviewed by other parents.
‘I remember one day, my house was a mess and I needed to sort out food, so I got someone to come and help me,’ she says. ‘For the first time I could have a hot coffee in peace for five minutes.’
Later, she booked in childcare so she could pick up little bits of work. Now, she plans to use it to give her and her husband a much-needed night out.
‘Loneliness and stress as a new mum can creep up on you, so having access to childcare has been a lifesaver,’ she says. ‘It makes the pressures of parenthood feel less overwhelming.’
Using online communities and finding local support (like Home-Start) are all good options for new mums looking to build a ‘village’. However, if loneliness is part of a bigger struggle, Amy from the Maternal Mental Health Alliance urges new mums to see a GP, midwife or health visitor.
It proved a game changing moment for Dizney. Since speaking to her doctor she has also contacted a therapy service, which referred her to a specialist team for parents and carers of under-5s — support she’s now beginning to explore.
‘I’m no longer afraid to say when I’m struggling, and there’s power in that,’ she explains.
‘Motherhood can be isolating at times, but you never know how many people will understand until you say it out loud.’
