I tried to give Gran a hug – her reaction still haunts me

As soon as Gran opened her front door, I excitedly ran over to embrace her. 

But just as I got close, she forcefully pushed me away.  

I was 10 and visiting her during the school holidays, alongside my older brother and mum. 

She hugged my brother warmly and spoke to him affectionately. Meanwhile, I kept getting told off for things that went over my head. 

To this day, I still don’t know why she thought I deserved that – and similar interactions have routinely happened ever since. 

My maternal grandmother has never written me a warm message in a Christmas or birthday card, told me funny stories from her younger days, or even looked concerned for my welfare. In fact, she’s been actively hostile. 

By the time I was in college, she’d make disparaging remarks like, ‘you’ll never work in your life’ or ‘you’ll just live on benefits’.  

This is despite me voluntarily mowing Gran’s lawn, washing her car, painting her fences, and helping out wherever I could between my studies.

Her words hurt and made me angry. I wanted to react but my mum would shake her head as if to say ‘don’t’. I felt stifled and had to bottle up my feelings. 

On one occasion around the same time, I stayed overnight and – without provocation – she said I was ‘emotionally thick’, that I’ll amount to nothing and I’ll die alone.  

I was in total shock at what I heard. I was lost for words. I was stunned that my mum didn’t say anything. 

During university, I actively avoided Gran whenever I could. But at my graduation in the mid-2010s, she came to the ceremony with my parents and brother, even though I didn’t want her there. 

While the rest of the family were away from the table at one point, she said to me that I’d likely be in the dole office the following week.  

She spread a bizarre and unfounded rumour I was a neo-Nazi

Three years of university, hard work, an exchange semester abroad and volunteer work in my free time, from teaching English privately and working in charity shops to gain retail experience. None of it seemed to matter to her. I felt invalidated.  

I calmly replied that wasn’t to be the case because I’d received a scholarship for an intensive language course in Germany and had a job lined up after that. Gran simply grimaced and looked away quickly as my brother and parents returned, as if to hide what had just happened. 

Even after I moved to Germany, her nastiness continued, and she spread a bizarre and unfounded rumour I was a neo-Nazi. 

Once again, I didn’t confront her. I was discouraged from saying anything by other relatives and told it wouldn’t make any difference. 

I lived and worked in Germany for a few years, then came back to the UK and got a job in the NHS. But when I called Mum to tell her my happy news, Gran was in the background and I heard her say: ‘That sounds like a lot of responsibility for someone like you.’ 

Thankfully, Mum stood up for me on this occasion but I ended the call and felt so upset that another good moment had been spoiled.

The physical and mental toll of her actions has been immense. I’ve gained a lot of weight and I have high blood pressure, low self-esteem, and I recently had to take time off work due to depression. 

My work arranged counselling sessions, and Gran’s demeanour towards me was a key focus. I told the therapist that I believed it has led to my lack of any sense of belonging within our family as well as a constant need to validate or justify my every action.

I feel like an outcast and adrift. The therapist could only surmise that there was significant damage and it would take more than just our sessions to begin any sort of healing process or self-care.  

To this day, I have never had an explanation for why Gran dislikes me or treats me the way she does.

Whenever I have expressed to my mum, dad and brother that I want to confront Gran, I am discouraged and told that I’ll never get an answer. 

And so, I have lost all hope of any successful confrontation.

Devastatingly, I found out that her hostility even predates my birth, when it was revealed that she had even suggested my parents abort me. 

My Gran is still alive, but we have no relationship. It is understandably difficult for my mum, who lives with Gran and feels caught in the middle, so for her sake I keep any interaction to a bare minimum: a polite ‘hello’, ‘goodbye’ or ‘thank you’, even if it is not reciprocated. 

As harsh as it sounds, I pretend Gran isn’t in the room so that I can properly teach myself to ignore her frequent grimaces and scowls behind Mum’s back, which most recently occurred at my brother’s wedding. Given that I was his best man, I had a duty to perform and was not going to let any negativity spoil my brother’s day. 

I could not let Gran win – and on that day, she didn’t. 

This is not just estrangement – it’s abuse – and I don’t deserve to be treated that way. 

Grandmothers are supposed to be protectors, guides, and teachers. Mine can’t even give me a hug. 

Thankfully, I have come to appreciate over the years that, no matter what twisted reason she thinks she has for hating me, it’s simply her loss. 

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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