If you think you’re in a healthy relationship, learning that your partner has cheated can feel like even more of a betrayal.
That was the case for our reader this week, who believed she and her husband were happily married.
She’s every inch the traditional housewife: she dresses up for her husband, cooks his meals, and raises their two little boys.
But her world came crashing down when she discovered he was having an affair with a woman at work.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to read last week’s Sex Column, where we heard from a reader who’s found herself pregnant at 17.
The problem:
I’ve recently received several calls from a woman detailing her affair with my husband, which have left me absolutely broken and struggling to cope.
We’ve been together for nearly eight years (married for five) and have two adorable little boys, aged three and six. I don’t work, as we decided I’d stay at home with the children rather than pay expensive nursery fees.
I thought my husband liked it that way, as dinner is always ready when he gets home and I wait on him hand and foot – in the bedroom too. Maybe it sounds ridiculous, but I get all dressed up in stockings and suspenders and cater to his every need, which I thought made him happy.
To find out he’s having an affair really came as a shock to me, as I believed he had everything he wanted. He didn’t deny it when I confronted him and admitted she’s someone from work, who he claims not to be serious about.
He promised to finish with her, but I got a couple of friends to spy on him and it’s clear he’s still seeing her. His so called ‘golf days’ are nothing of the sort, and when he tells me he has a late meeting, he’s with her. She has even called and taunted me about what they do together.
I’m really scared to end the marriage as I’d be lost without him, and so would the kids. Despite the way he’s behaving, I still love him.
The advice:
It must be horrendous for you, trying to hold it all together while your husband does as he pleases. But you really do need to stand up to him, as he clearly thinks he can get away with whatever he wants.
I’m very pro-family and usually urge people to try to save their relationship when there are children involved, as I’ve seen how damaging splits can be. But in your case, I think that staying together has the potential to damage the children more.
Although they’re very young, they must pick up on your obvious distress, and it can be traumatic for such little minds to navigate the tension in the house.
Of course, in an ideal world you would save your marriage and live happily ever after. But is that what your husband wants? He seems to be enjoying the best of both worlds, with everything he needs at home, as well as his bit on the side.
Whether he’s serious about her or not, needn’t concern you. It’s how he’s treating you and the children that matters, and frankly his behaviour could hardly be worse. He promised to end the affair but didn’t, and though it may not feel that way now, I think your life would be better without him.
If you do end up separating, you’ll need urgent legal advice. If you own your own home, the courts will protect your right to live there until the youngest reaches 18, though things can be more complicated if you rent. Please make an appointment with your nearest Citizen’s Advice, or preferably consult a good lawyer. You may also want to see your GP about some talking therapy.
Take control of your destiny and stop waiting for him to shape up; you and the children deserve better.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
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