One day, about two years ago, I went out for the whole day without telling my husband or my four teenage foster children.
It was unusual for me to have so much time by myself, but I enjoyed it – I went shopping and visited places I used to walk my beloved dog, before he passed.
But the reason I did it was to test my family, to see if they would realise I wasn’t there. I hoped they might miss me, or at least notice I’d gone.
The reality was very different.
When I eventually got home at the end of the day, no one – not even my husband who was working at home – asked where I’d been, what I’d been doing, or even if I was OK. It was just the usual ‘what’s for dinner?’
I was shocked but decided not to make a scene, so I set to work and got cooking.
For the last 12 years, my husband Trevor and I have fostered more than 100 children – staying with us for anything from one night to four years and coming from a range of backgrounds and challenging situations.
We also have two grown up daughters named Grace and Maisie, so I have always felt needed and busy.
But about two years ago, when I was 54, I noticed a shift.
At the time, we had four teenage foster children who were quite settled. As a result, they – along with Grace, who still lived with us – started to need me less so I ended up with a lot of time on my hands.
I’d had a sneaking suspicion that I was becoming invisible, and my day out only confirmed it.
Unfortunately, this is the sad reality for women of a certain age – nobody really sees you.
I was trying to fill my days, but at first I felt lost. I felt I was too old for clubbing but much too young for bingo. I wasn’t ready to spend all my afternoons watching daytime TV, but I wasn’t going to be shopping for the latest fashions either.
So I decided to do something about it. I made a promise to myself to start saying ‘yes’ to more.
I had done some Christmas volunteering work for a few years and enjoyed the buzz it gave me, so I started to look for other opportunities like that.
Not long after, I saw a TV news story about a charity called FareShare, which takes food that is good to eat but would be wasted by businesses like supermarkets and food manufacturers, then redistributes it to thousands of charities to help support people in need.
Food is stored at warehouses all over the country, including near me in Southampton. And at the very end of the news story, the charity had an urgent call for volunteers.
I scanned the QR code on the screen and filled in my details online. I was called in by the volunteer manager and started the following week.
My first impression of the warehouse was that I was made to feel extremely welcome, even just by calling me by my name. I was taught the ropes by other volunteers and was struck by what a friendly bunch of people they were.
I felt immediately welcomed and valued. A far cry from invisibility.
The first day was so interesting. The people were great and I felt good, working hard and making myself useful. Even my husband was keen to hear about my new interest and we talked into the night about how he could help.
My elder daughter and family moved back to live locally and also offered to help out too. I felt really blessed and no longer invisible.
That was a year and a half ago and I’ve gone from strength to strength in this volunteering role since.
I stayed true to the saying ‘yes’ mantra. Like when I took a van driving test, so I’m able to drive the vans to deliver food out and about in the community.
I’m so lucky to meet the most amazing people in this role. From other volunteers to people who access the charities we deliver to, there are so many fascinating stories and every day is interesting.
Today, I have four regular shifts a week but will always pitch in and help where I can, sometimes travelling over 200 miles each week to deliver food.
Volunteering gives me back my own identity. People ask me how I am and what I’ve been up to.
I can have a laugh and even swear if I want to – just be myself. I don’t need to pretend or be on my best behaviour as someone’s mum.
I feel like I’m back in my early 20s having the best fun with my friends, with the bonus of knowing I’m helping people at the same time. I don’t want it to end.
The best part is, my family has supported me and can see how happy it makes me. Trevor and both daughters have even stepped up to help with school runs with the foster children, to make sure I can get to my shifts on time.
I look at my female friends of a similar age and I see so many of them are sad. Either they are unhappy in their marriage, their job, or both.
They feel invisible and it makes me sad.
To other women facing a similar situation, I would really recommend giving volunteering a go. Say ‘yes’ to more and see how it makes you feel because it might just be the best thing you’ve ever done.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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