You meet a handsome date in a bar and he’s perfectly charming. You hit it off, he compliments your eyes, and after a few drinks discussing your dreams of travelling and sharing pet photos, he walks you to the station and kisses you goodnight.
But the next morning there’s no message. That’s okay, he’s probably playing it cool. But morning turns to evening, which stretches into a few days, and all you have is tumbleweeds.
You’ve been ghosted.
Now, I’m certainly not projecting here (it’s the last time I trek to Paddington for a date), being ghosted is becoming somewhat of a universal experience.
It was a sore point for one listener on Metro’s Just Between Us podcast, who wrote in asking for advice on what to do when she’d been ghosted.
She said: ‘I went out with a guy – best date ever! He asked me to go on another date during our first date, texted me after the date saying goodnight and how much he enjoyed it.
‘But it’s been silence since then – I’ve been ghosted.’
It’s not you, it’s the ‘identity wobble’
Sex. Love. Modern Mess. Listen to new Metro podcast Just Between Us
X Factor icon Diana Vickers and Metro’s dating expert Alice Giddings dive into your wildest sex, love, and dating dilemmas – every Tuesday.
Listen wherever you get your podcasts or watch on YouTube. And be sure to follow and subscribe so you never miss an episode.
You can also join the fun on our WhatsApp Group Chat here – share your dilemmas and Diana and Alice may just give you a call.
If this has happened to you, we can confirm that if the date went great, it’s likely your date had a case of the ‘identity wobbles’.
Relationship psychologist Dr Lalitaa Suglani explains this is much more common than we think.
‘It happens when a date goes so well that it unexpectedly triggers an identity crisis, or when someone feels it is “too good to be true”,’ she tells Metro.
‘So, they may end up self-abandoning by sabotaging the connection, especially if they hold a deeper belief that it is not going to work out.’
She adds that people who experience this reaction usually have anxious or avoidant attachment styles.
At least you know it’s not a you problem. In fact, Dr Suglani, dating expert for eharmony, explains: ‘If someone’s self-image is rooted in being single, emotionally unavailable, or “not ready for a relationship,” the sudden possibility of real connection can feel destabilising.
‘Rather than confront these feelings, they may withdraw abruptly.’
After a date, ghosting becomes the quickest way to restore emotional equilibrium and regulate their nervous systems,’ she adds.
Essentially, ghosting is the brain choosing the ‘flight’ part of the flight-or-fight response to the emotional risk – no matter how enjoyable the date was.
The warning signs
It’s a total bummer, but there are some signs you can look out for to try and avoid those who are likely to have an identity wobble. With 29% of daters admitting to being a ghoster, you might have your work cut out for you.
Dr Suglani says: ‘They might make self-deprecating jokes about being “bad at relationships” or “emotionally unavailable.”
‘They could be vague about their recent dating history or say they “aren’t looking for anything serious” while still agreeing to a date.
‘Or they might seem charming but slightly avoidant when asked personal or future oriented questions.’
Can you prevent the ‘identity wobble’?
In short, no. It sucks, but you may just have to let that dreamy Prince Charming get away.
‘There is little you can do to change someone’s readiness for intimacy or a relationship,’ the therapist explains. ‘It is about their internal landscape and their level of self-awareness, not your behaviour.’
If you really want to try and break their pattern, then Dr Suglani suggests: ‘Pace the emotional intensity of early dates and create space for them to opt in at their own speed, while also managing your own expectations and tending to your own wounds.
‘For example, if you grew up with an avoidant parent, you may find this dynamic unconsciously “attractive” and feel compelled to “fix” the person, so be mindful of this tendency.
‘If they still ghost, it reflects where they are in their own self-concept, not the quality of the connection or who they are dating.
‘Plus, if you feel sadness or disappointment, it is important to practise self-care and engage in activities that support and ground you.’
Trying to fix someone never goes well, so look after number one and you’ll be golden, even if you end up being haunted by a few ghosts along the way.
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
