When we talk about trauma, we often mention the three well-known responses: fight, flight or freeze.
It’s the idea that everyone has an instinctive survival mechanism to confront (fight), escape (flight) or become immobile (freeze) to a potential threat or danger.
However, there’s a fourth type of survival response that’s often overlooked: fawning. It’s a type of extreme people-pleasing behaviour where people appease abusers to avoid conflict.
It’s not a new concept, but it’s becoming increasingly apparent among Gen Zers – those born between 1997 and 2012 – and social media has a lot to answer for it.
That’s according to Chartered Psychologist and Trauma Specialist Dr Ravi Gill, who has noticed many of her Gen Z clients exhibiting people pleasing or ‘fawning’ behaviours.
‘It’s about protecting themselves in a world where so much of their life plays out online,’ she tells Metro.
‘Many grew up on social media, where constant visibility and public feedback make likability feel like survival. Appeasing or agreeing becomes a low-risk way to avoid online backlash.’
Fawning was first coined by psychotherapist Pete Walker in his 2013 book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.
He described it as ‘seeking safety through appeasing the needs and wishes of others’ and says it stems from a lack of emotional nurturing in childhood, which creates an extreme self-sacrificing personality.
Sound familiar? Here’s how to tell if you’re a Fawner, and what to do about it.
What is fawning?
According to Dr Ravi Gill: ‘Fawning is a trauma response in which a person instinctively seeks to please, appease or accommodate others to avoid conflict, rejection or perceived danger.’
Fawners might seem hyperagreeable, but it’s less about genuine agreement and ‘more about self-protection learned in unsafe or unpredictable environments’.
These types of tendencies are developed as a learned survival strategy. Dr Gill adds: ‘It’s a way to secure safety, approval or belonging in environments where conflict, rejection or disapproval feel threatening.’
There are several reasons why people might adopt fawning as a survival response and childhood experiences can play a big part.
‘Growing up in a home where love or acceptance was conditional, or where conflict was unpredictable, can teach children to minimise their own needs to keep the peace,’ says Dr Gill.
Past experiences of rejection, bullying or abuse can also play a part, hardwiring the instinct to appease as a way to avoid further harm.
What are some symptons of ‘fawning’
One sign that you might be a Fawner is if you’re constantly overwhelmed. For example, Dr Gill says: ‘Always saying “yes” leads to overcommitment, exhaustion, and eventually burnout.’
You could also find yourself struggling to understand your true identity. ‘Constantly moulding yourself to others’ preferences can make it hard to know your own values, desires or boundaries.’
Fawning can cause you to suppress your emotions, too. ‘Resentment, sadness or frustration get buried to maintain harmony,’ Dr Gill explains. ‘This often resurfaces as anxiety, depression or physical stress symptoms.’
If left unchecked, this behaviour can lead to unbalanced relationships and people taking advantage of your people-pleasing tendencies.
Gen z and fawning
Gen Z may be particularly susceptible to fawning due to many of them growing up in a digital world. You could call it a more extreme manifestation of the Gen Z stare.
The combination of messaging apps, social media DMs, emails and group chats means requests are just a ping away. Being online can be confused with being available, making it harder to say ‘no’ to things.
Dr Gill describes it as a ‘learned adaptation to a hyper-connected, high-stakes social environment’.
Then there’s the social conditions they’ve grown up with. Dr Gill explains that entering adulthood during a period of instability (the pandemic, housing crisis, cost of living, the list goes on) heightens the instinct to maintain alliances and avoid social exclusion.
The therapist has seen many examples of fawning in her clients, including one who ‘is always double checking that her friends aren’t upset with her or apologising for things that she hasn’t done’.
She adds: ‘People pleasing isn’t about weakness, it’s an adaptive behaviour that once kept someone safe or connected, but can become limiting when it overrides authenticity and self-care.’
How to stop Fawning
Avoiding Fawning isn’t as simple as flipping a switch, Dr Gill says it’s about ‘retraining your nervous system and mindset’, so you can stay truthful to yourself without feeling unsafe.
To do so, she suggests paying attention to trigger moments, for example, when you agree, apologise or soften your opinion out of fear, rather than choice.
She adds that it’s important to get used to disagreeing. ‘Practise saying “no” or expressing a different view in low-stakes situations to teach your brain that conflict doesn’t always mean rejection.’
It’s also important to set boundaries, deeciding in advance what you will and won’t accept in relationships and sticking to those limits.
Don’t expect to let go of these old patterns overnight, though. Dr Gill recommends seeking external support to help.
‘Trauma-informed therapies like somatic experiencing and CBT can address the root causes and help you respond differently under pressure.
‘Over time, these practices replace automatic appeasement with intentional and self-respecting choices.’
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
