Many parents with children a few years removed from toddler years have witnessed the rapidly emerging independence that comes shortly after. This time can also mark one of the tough crossroads of parenthood, as children begin pushing their boundaries—an entirely normal, yet still tough thing for parents.
This is why one beneficial approach to navigating the ever-expanding personalities of children is a bit of trial-and-error. During a recent interview with Peter Attia, M.D., and host of The Drive podcast, Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Charles Duhigg offered a unique approach for parents to consider trying.
Parents Flipping From Punishment to Potential Reward Lays the Path for ‘Permanent Behavior Change’
Duhigg, who is known for utilizing complex neuroscience and psychology to create strategies around behavior change, performance, and decision making, spoke about several topics with Attia, including an approach to altering the way of handling child misbehavior.
Attia lays out a scenario where your child is misbehaving and won’t brush their teeth, for example. While a common approach for some parents is to consider some type of discipline in an effort to fix the issue. However, as Attia describes in the scenario, which Duhigg details, it’s just the opposite approach that may work far better.
“Your child is misbehaving. Bedtime routine is a disaster; they don’t want to brush their teeth or whatever it is,” Attia says of a hypothetical situation. “There’s a punishment that you could allocate for that behavior. You could say, ‘Look…if you don’t go to bed now, you do not get to play Xbox tomorrow.'”
“There’s a reward, which is, if you do this thing, I’m going to give you an extra 15 minutes of playing Xbox tomorrow.”
Attia then asked Duhigg if offering those 15 extra minutes, as opposed to the alternative, is “significantly” more likely to produce the desired outcome.
“Absolutely…We’re talking about permanent behavior change,” Duhigg replied. “We don’t want them just to brush their teeth tonight; we want them to brush their teeth every night. A positive reward, positive reinforcement, is going to be much more powerful at ingraining that habit in their life.”
It’s a flip to an age-old approach, and while it’ll surely come with some rough waters at times along the way, it’s unquestionably a strong parenting tip that can also help your children in the long term.
Giving Children Control and Command Over Themselves
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Attia goes on to highlight a very interesting point regarding giving children control and command over themselves. While he correctly states that it’s something parents badly want to teach and instill in their children, there’s little training or insight into the “how” behind doing so.
Duhigg proceeds to discuss the topic of giving children a sense of agency and reveals a hypothetical situation in which parents can do so.
“Teaching children a sense of agency…When you bring home an ‘A’ on your report card, instead of saying, ‘Oh, you’re so smart,’ which is something you don’t have control over,” Duhigg says. “[Instead] say, ‘Oh, you must have worked really, really hard,’ because that’s something you do have control over. I’m reinforcing your sense of agency.”
The best-selling author explains that this helps to teach children that they have control over their habits.
The full episode of The Drive with Peter Attia and Charles Duhigg can be found on most platforms, with the details provided on Attia’s website.
Related: How to Help Yourself Fall Asleep Faster: Andrew Huberman’s 1 Key Tip to Sleep Better
