The perfect age gap if you want a relationship to last

When Katie began dating her new man, she found the age gap between them alluring.

He was 32, she was 22, and they soon became exlusive. As part of this decision, they decided they’d no longer use condoms (but Katie was still on birth control).

‘He was taking me out on lovely dates and cooking for me… everything was going really well,’ Katie told me and my co-host, Diana Vickers, on the Just Between Us podcast.

But one morning, when her boyfriend got up to make her breakfast, Katie made an unpleasant discovery.

‘I went to stretch myself as you do in the morning and my hand went under his pillow where I felt something,’ she explains. ‘I take the pillow away and I see a used condom. It was horrible.’

Horrified, she showered, got dressed and walked out the door – and that was the end of their relationship.

But Katie sought our help on Just Between Us when she began questioning if her pattern of picking older men was a problem.

Did she just pick a bad apple, or is such a big age gap between partners a recipe for disaster?

It got us thinking: is there a perfect age gap if you want your relationship to go the distance?

Well actually, yes.

Smaller is better

A zero to three year age gap is the ideal difference in age between you and your partner, according to experts.

‘This age gap is likely to result in a longer lasting relationship, according to research,’ psychotherapist Eloise Skinner tells Metro.

The reason for this is because you’re at similar life stages. ‘You’re more likely to have matched expectations financially in terms of spending, saving and investments, as well as health-wise,’ she adds.

Eloise also explains you’re more likely to be aligned on physical ability, so you’ll be able to do the same weekend activities, childcare responsibilities and even have the same travel goals.

She adds research shows relationship satisfaction levels decline over the duration of the partnership for couples that have significant age gaps.

‘Age gap couples might be less resilient when it comes to challenging events in their marriage, compared to similarly aged couples, according to research,’ Eloise explains.

Is there an age gap that’s too large?

‘Age gaps can become an issue where it results in a disparity of maturity level (which could be thought of as ’emotional age’), life experiences, values, priorities and expectations,’ Eloise explains.

‘Some bigger, more practical life challenges that might arise are topics like starting a family – if one partner is much older, there can be issues around conception, mismatches in parenting styles, and a higher likelihood of a child losing one parent when the child is still relatively young.

‘Financial planning, where one partner is planning for retirement, whereas the other might be taking more financial risks can also be a problem.’

While Eloise explains there’s no hard upper limit for an age gap, each couple should assess their needs in a relationship and be realistic about whether they can give each other the life they want.

She does have one concern about large age gaps though.

‘There’s the potential concern of power dynamics in an age gap relationship – for example, where one person has more financial resources, a bigger career or status,’ she explains.

‘Of course, this can also occur without age gaps present. For a sustainable, long-term relationship, partners should aim to be on similar levels in terms of emotional maturity, psychological maturity, values, goals and preferences, which might be more likely to occur in smaller or no age-gap relationships.’

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