By now, you’ll likely have heard about the mental load.
This is a term that refers to the invisible ‘cognitive and emotional labour’ involved in managing household tasks, family well-being and relationships and it’s often largely taken on by women.
Traditionally, it involves keeping track of schedules, managing finances, anticipating needs, making decisions and ensuring the well-being of a partner and/or children.
All of this work will largely go unnoticed by their partner and it can become a real burden shouldering the brunt of the responsibility alone. As such, there are four words that anyone struggling with their mental load never wants to hear.
According to experts, saying ‘it’s up to you’ isn’t as helpful as you might think – it’s actually really annoying.
Rebecca Vivash, a British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) accredited therapist who specialises in relationship trauma, tells Metro that while it might seem like you’re giving your partner ‘freedom’ and choice’ by saying this, you’re actually doing the opposite.
‘When you say “It’s up to you”, what’s really happening is that the responsibility is being handed over completely.
‘Rather than sharing the load, it leaves one person carrying the pressure of deciding, often on top of everything else they’re already juggling – that can feel overwhelming and even lead to decision paralysis in the moment.’
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Rebecca explains that giving someone a choice isn’t a bad thing, but there needs to be balance in a relationship when it comes to making decisions.
She claims a ‘healthier’ approach would be to share the responsibility by offering your partner a few different options to pick from, or making the decision together.
Instead of saying ‘it’s up to you’, she suggests responding with ‘would you rather do A or B’ or ‘shall we have a look at options together?’
‘By saying this, the decision-making feels supportive and not like another task,’ Rebecca adds.
Couples therapist and coach, Graham Johnston agrees with this and adds a third suggestion into the mix. He claims if you do have an opinion when asked to help make a decision, you should be upfront and say what it is you desire.
‘Then we negotiate and seek common ground – that’s the daily work of a decent relationship.’
The BACP member continues: ‘It’s annoying to be faced with indecision when you know, deep down, your partner wants something but doesn’t want to bear the responsibility of stating an opinion or making a decision.
‘We’re all besieged by a multitude of decisions we need to make in our work and lives every day. It’s understandable that we sometimes want a break from that. But our partners face the same barrage of decisions and information. Don’t leave them holding the ball every time, just because you feel you need a break. The mental load needs to be shared.’
How can you help ease the mental load?
Arabelle Russell, a couples therapist, says a ‘thoughtful’ partner can really make all the difference to someone struggling with their mental load.
An example of a thoughtful act might include not asking your partner what you should make for dinner, but coming up with an idea yourself, going to get the ingredients and cooking the meal.
‘If it all goes wrong, who cares. Your thoughtfulness will have been noted,’ she adds.
‘Just don’t resort to saying that other very irritating and overused line in relationships, “I’m sorry but…”‘
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