I felt shame around sex – one night changed everything

As I stared at myself in my bedroom mirror, a laugh bubbled up in my chest.

I looked ridiculous – in the best possible way.

My hair was a mess, my cheeks were flushed, and I was so weak I could barely stand up. I was also stark naked and every nerve ending in my body felt like it was on fire.

Finn* had excused himself to have a shower after what had been some of the best sex of my life – and on our first date too.

Now, in my post-shag haze, I had a sudden realisation: I didn’t give a s**t if people thought I was a slut for having sex with a man on the first date. 

After years, I’d finally let that shame go.

Worrying about what others think about your sex life is normal, but take it from someone who learned the hard way – it’s a colossal waste of time.

I remember the first time I felt shame about liking sex; I was 19 years old and one of my friends made a passing comment about my ‘hungry’ drive, even though I’d only slept with two people. 

It stuck with me and I soon realised that the way I felt about sex – that it was to be enjoyed judgement-free and with enthusiasm – didn’t pair up with how others often felt. 

I’ve had people tell me that I should be ‘careful’ with my choices or that some of the bad treatment I’ve endured on dates was somehow my fault, which is preposterous.

When I was younger, it was hard to shake off unwanted comments so I carried some of them with me and it impacted my self-worth.

It was only when I was in my late 20s that – following conversations with people in my life, as well as strangers – I realised we all worry about sex, in different ways.

I just wish we were all just a bit kinder to ourselves and others.

The months before I had sex with Finn, I hadn’t felt like myself for a while. I’d suffered real heartbreak and it had made me reevaluate a lot – including my sex life.

But now I had reemerged from my cocoon with a newfound confidence, thanks to the coaxing of this man who knew exactly how to get a woman off. And I finally, truly, didn’t care about anyone’s opinion but my own.

It felt liberating.

In fact, most of the incredible sex I’ve had – and boy, I’ve had plenty – has happened when I was being true to myself, and my wants and needs. And ignoring what others thought.

Take my experience with Victor*, for instance – who to this day remains one of the best sexual partners I’ve had. We dated over a decade ago, but our relationship was a turning point.

He was more experienced, but also made me feel safe because nothing was off the table. Whatever the fantasy, there was no judgement – we just talked it through and tried whatever we both enjoyed.

We tried everything from light spanking to incorporating foods (which definitely isn’t for me) – and this openness in bed made me feel brave and free.

But the only way to gain this kind of confidence is to let go of how others might perceive your sex life.

Thankfully, I’ve had open-minded lovers, so I’ve never really worried much about what they would say about my desires. Once or twice perhaps – but it was mostly about nerves.

But it’s not just shame from partners that can prevent us from achieving sexual euphoria – I have cut ties with former pals who believed my worth lied in my sexual choices.

What a load of rubbish.

How and who I have sex with is a personal decision – but it’s not my personality.

I once shagged a man I was dating on his office desk after hours – just because he owned the company and we could. Others might call this slutty or unladylike, but I no longer allow their thoughts to take up space in my brain, or let it fester and internalise. 

Have you ever felt shamed for your sex life? Have your say in the comments belowComment Now

Another time, I slept with an ex of mine a year after we’d split up, and it was an explosive experience.

Was it a bad idea? Absolutely. Was it my choice and nobody else’s business? Also yes.

Everything outside the bedroom – including what your mates, strangers, or society will say about your sex – is just noise. They aren’t in bed with you, so don’t give them this power.

Don’t shame yourself into silence. 

Communication is the cornerstone of any good sex life. But if anyone you talk to has an issue with what you tell them, remember that this has nothing to do with you.

The point isn’t what kind of sex you have, who you shag, or how many (or few) people share your bed. So long as you and your lover are safe and have fun, that’s all that matters.

Let go – and I promise, you’ll soon have the best sex of your life.

*Names have been changed

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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Have you ever felt shamed for your sex life? Have your say in the comments below