DEAR DEIDRE: I LEFT my wife to have a baby with my mistress, but I’ve had a one-night stand and got another woman pregnant.
She says she’s having the baby but I want nothing to do with it. How can I tell my girlfriend without wrecking our relationship?
I’m 38 and was married for seven years. We didn’t have kids and our marriage was difficult.
When I confided my unhappiness to my wife’s best friend, we grew close, and started an affair.
I fell in love with her, and when she told me she’d accidentally got pregnant with my child, I knew I had to leave my wife to be with her.
We had the baby six months ago. But dealing with a nasty divorce, at the same time as becoming a dad, was stressful and led to lots of rows.
My girlfriend felt we needed some time apart, so asked me to move out for a while.
One night, I got very drunk and had a one-night stand with a woman I met in a bar.
I regretted it instantly. I didn’t think my girlfriend would ever find out. A few weeks later, we got back together.
Things have improved massively. I love being a dad and was thinking about proposing.
But then, the woman I’d slept with contacted me to say she was pregnant.
She said she intended to have the baby and nothing I said would change her mind.
However, she didn’t need me to be involved. I’m in a real mess.
Do I have to explain what happened to my girlfriend? I can’t sleep.
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Getting one woman accidentally pregnant is unfortunate. Two, shows you turn to sex rather than dealing with tricky relationships.
Now it’s time to deal responsibly with the consequences of your actions – you can’t keep running forever.
Even if you’re not active in this second baby’s life, you are legally obliged to provide for it financially.
So, if you don’t want to live a complicated lie, you need to tell your girlfriend.
At some point, you may want a relationship with the child, the mum may change her mind, or your child may come looking for you.
It would help to speak to someone impartial, who can advise you and support you emotionally, as you understandably aren’t coping well.
Consider counselling to help you resolve conflict rather than run from it. Read my support pack, How Counselling Can Help, for more guidance.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to deardeidre@the-sun.co.uk
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
ESCORT PAL REFUSES TO SLEEP WITH ME ANY MORE
DEAR DEIDRE: THE escort I befriended will no longer have sex with me – but she is still having sex with other clients.
This has left me feeling confused and rejected. I’m not expecting anything for free, but she won’t even let me pay her.
I’m a divorced man in my mid-50s. She is in her early 30s. We first met about five years ago, when I became one of her regular clients.
Then I moved abroad, so I stopped seeing her. We kept in touch on messenger and became real friends.
She told me she’d stopped escorting.
Recently, I moved back to the UK. We have met several times, been out for drinks and even went away for a weekend.
But we haven’t had sex at all – neither as friends with benefits, or for money.
I have since learned she is escorting again. If she is seeing other customers, why won’t she let me pay for it? Is she not attracted to me any more?
DEIDRE SAYS: Your friend may not want to have sex with you now because she sees you as a friend, not as a client.
For her, sex is business, and perhaps she doesn’t want to blur the boundaries – or to feel that you still see her as a prostitute. She may also feel ashamed or embarrassed that she’s gone back into escorting.
But only she can explain how she feels.
Ask her to be honest. If you truly care for her as a friend, make it clear you value her for more than her body.
GHOSTED BY LADY I MET IN HOSPITAL
DEAR DEIDRE: I’M so lonely after the death of my partner that when I was in hospital I tried to befriend the woman in the bed next to me.
But, now we’re home, she’s ghosted me, and I feel more alone and hopeless than ever.
I’m a woman in my 60s and I have had a chronic health condition for years. As a result, I gradually lost my friends.
Last year, my long-term partner died. It took me months to sort out all his affairs, but since I finished, I’ve been feeling incredibly lonely and isolated.
Recently, I had to go into hospital. I got chatting to the woman in the bed next to me, and we got on really well.
When I was discharged, she gave me her number and said we’d meet for coffee.
But I’ve now messaged her twice, over three weeks, and she hasn’t replied.
It really upset me. I don’t know what I did wrong? I have nobody to talk to. I don’t want to burden my grown-up children with my misery.
DEIDRE SAYS: You are grieving and have also been ill – it is no wonder you are feeling low.
Do reach out to your children, who I’m sure want to be there for you. You did nothing wrong. Perhaps the woman in the hospital is just busy, but not responding is rude.
Talking to a bereavement counsellor could really help you. See my support pack, Coping With Bereavement, which has details of who to contact.
You might also find it useful to read my support pack Feeling Lonely?
REGRET MOVING IN WITH FIANCE
DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE moving in with my boyfriend and getting engaged, I’ve started feeling more like a housemaid than a partner – and sex is rubbish.
We were so happy when we were dating, but now I’m having major doubts about our relationship and feel our connection has gone.
I’m 28 and he’s 30. We’ve been together for four years. We bought a flat and moved in together last year, and got engaged shortly after.
If you’d asked me a couple of years ago, I’d have said he was “the one” – my soul mate. Our sex life was brilliant, we went out and had fun together.
Now it feels like we’re flatmates who occasionally have sex.
There’s no romance any more – no little love notes or dates – and sex feels mechanical, not like love-making.
I’m exhausted from working full time, but he expects me to do all the housework and cooking.
If I say I need to go to bed early, or don’t feel well, he tells me I’ve turned into a bore.
Is this it forever now? Have I made a big mistake or do all relationships become like this?
I just want to go back to being happy.
DEIDRE SAYS: Moving in with a partner does change a relationship, and it’s difficult to maintain those heady early days of romance.
Hiccups are natural. But it is concerning things have changed so much, and you’ve gone from being very happy to doubting your future.
Don’t despair. It might not sound romantic, but all relationships require effort and good communication – from both sides.
Be honest with your fiancé and work out ways to get things back on track. A weekend away, date nights, hiring a cleaner – all these things could help.
Miss the love notes? Start writing them yourself. Read my support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, for more advice.
