At 15 years old, I sat my mum down and told her I was gay.
At first, she sighed with relief — she thought I was about to tell her I was pregnant. Then came the surprise.
I knew she’d be fine. I wasn’t scared of being disowned or thrown out, like so many in the LGBTQ+ community unfortunately still are.
‘I had no idea,’ she said. ‘How do you know?’ It’s a common response. A lot of parents think their kids are ‘too young to know’. But if I’d told her I fancied a boy, she wouldn’t have batted an eyelid.
Some of my extended family likely assumed it was ‘just a phase’. But if it is, it’s a long one — 10 years later, I’m still a lesbian and in a happy, healthy relationship with a woman.
More young people than ever before are coming out. According to Office for National Statistics data, 10.4% of those aged 16 to 24 identified as LGB in 2023 — this is up from just 2.8% in 2014. The ONS credits this to changing societal attitudes and growing visibility.
But while more young people are coming out, the overall climate for LGBTQ+ people feels increasingly hostile.
The UK has dropped in global rankings for LGBTQ+ rights. The annual analysis by ILGA-Europe, a human-rights group, cited the recent Supreme Court ruling on the definition of a ‘woman’, as well as well as queer refugees facing homeless and abuse during the application process as just some reasons for the UK’s low placement.
So if your daughter — or any teenager — has shared their sexual identity with you, here’s what they might need to hear.
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Thank you for telling me
No matter how accepting you are, coming out is nerve-wracking. Most LGBTQ+ people will remember the anxiety before telling their loved ones.
Although I have a supportive family, months of thinking ‘but what if they don’t react well’, was mentally exhausting and led to my breaking down once I finally did open up. Just saying ‘thanks for telling me’ goes a long way.
Don’t text the family group chat
As tempting as it might be to share the news, please don’t. It can be a bit daunting turning up to a family gathering and finding out most of them know already (as I found out).
Outing someone without their say-so is an obvious no. It takes away their control and can cause all sorts of internal chaos. Let them decide when and who they tell, and offer to help to make things easier.
Don’t warn them their life will be harder
Parents often say: ‘I just don’t want life to be harder for you.’ It’s a valid concern. But honestly, most of us already know that.
We’re not looking for a warning or to think about how much easier our lives would be if we were straight, just show your love and support.
Encourage them to explore the community
Being the only gay friend can be isolating. I spent years listening to straight friends delve into their boyfriend drama and couldn’t always relate (and still can’t).
Encouraging your child to connect with LGBTQ+ friends, spaces and online support can help them feel less alone. Even take them to their first Pride event, if they haven’t gone to one. It’ll be eye opening for the both of you.
Ask questions — even if you feel awkward
It’s okay to be a bit awkward. It’s not the easiest news to share or receive.
Asking questions shows you care, just keep it respectful and avoid making it feel like an interrogation. Avoid asking: ‘Are you sure?’. Even if they’re not, you don’t want to patronise them.
And don’t pry about details you wouldn’t if your loved one was straight.I didn’t want to answer my mum’s question: ‘Have you got a girlfriend? — something I think I probably had in common with every other teenager when their parents asked about their relationship status.
Listen without judging or interrupting
The best thing you can do is listen. Let them talk without butting in or trying to fix everything.
You don’t need to have the perfect response right away, but just keep the door open for more conversations.
How to support your child when they come out as LGBTQ+
Alex Matheson, director of inclusion at LGBT Foundation shared some helpful advice with Metro.
- Seek out additional support for you and your child. There are tons of free resources for LGBTQ+ families that can offer guidance and advice. LGBT Foundation has been a friend to LGBTQ+ people and allies since 1975. For more support, call the Helpline at 0345 3 30 30 30 or visit http://www.lgbt.foundation – we’re always here for you.
- Know that your child is coming out because they’re hoping for your support and understanding. You may be surprised or confused, but it’s important to process these emotions away from your child – your initial reaction may read as disappointment. Be sure to affirm their identity and thank them for sharing with you.
- Ask if there’s anything specific you can do for them. Every experience is different, and they may want help telling others, navigating issues at school, or finding support systems that work for them.
- Commit to being an ally to the wider LGBTQ+ community. If you’re not familiar with the terms they’re using for their identity, take the opportunity to learn something new! Look into local community groups, pride events, and LGBTQ+-friendly spaces.
- Be open to them exploring their identity further. They might want to try out different clothes, names, pronouns, and more. Encourage them to find out who they are and stay positive throughout the process. They’re not ‘too young to know’, they’re taking their first steps on this journey, and need you by their side.
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk.
