Breaking off an engagement is always better than tying the knot knowing you’re destined for a messy divorce later on.
That doesn’t make it easier to cope with in the moment though — especially if the wedding date has already been set.
Earlier this year, Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom became the latest celebrity couple to split before reaching the altar, six years after the Pirates of the Caribbean actor’s Valentine’s Day proposal.
The pair – who remain amicable in order to co-parent their daughter, Daisy Dove – had reportedly been growing apart for months prior to the announcement, but sources told Daily Mail Katy’s controversial Blue Origin space trip was also a major source of tension.
‘He told her the whole thing looked ridiculous,’ the insider revealed. ‘He said it was cringeworthy and embarrassing. This was in the middle of a fight, and it hurt her feelings… She hoped he’d be more supportive.’
The vast majority of us will never have to consider how an expedition in a rocket ship might affect our relationship. But the core issues behind Katy and Orlando’s breakup – from contempt to distance – aren’t reserved for A-listers.
Here, experts share the seven most common reasons why couples from all walks off life call off their engagements.
Wedding planning revelations
It’s easy to get swept up in romance and accept a proposal without thinking about the serious commitment that comes after. But when you start to map out your life with someone during the stress of wedding preparation, the gravity of ’til death do us part’ looms a whole lot larger.
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‘Sometimes, planning a wedding brings to light differences that are impossible to reconcile,’ psychotherapist and BACP-registered counsellor Margaret Ward-Martin tells Metro.
‘Such revelations may highlight incompatible attitudes towards fundamental matters like finances or how to raise children.
‘And when these disparities become clear, couples may recognise that moving forward with the marriage could result in ongoing conflict or resentment, prompting them to reconsider the engagement.’
Neglecting the relationship
From new couples to those who’ve been together for decades, Natasha Silverman, psychosexual and relationship therapist at Sextoys.co.uk, says that, in her experience, separation often stems from ‘chronic emotional neglect; feeling very lonely, feeling unable to connect, not feeling seen or heard.’
Getting engaged can inject enough romance and closeness into a relationship to paper over these cracks for a while. Once the excitement wears off though, a partner needs to put in the work to make their promise of forever seem genuine.
Natasha tells Metro: ‘We put so much energy into succeeding at work, into parenting, into our friends, but we often assume that our partner will always be there.
‘So when we let them take a back seat and don’t nurture that relationship or work on the hot spots that need to be “tuned up” in terms of communication or arguing, that is often a recipe for disaster.’
Mismatched sexual desire
‘Another common reason is mismatched desire,’ Natasha continues. ‘We do not always want to drink, eat or go for a walk at the same time as each other, so why would we always want to have sex at the same time? However, we often aren’t prepared for this reality.’
She explains that sex drives typically diverge after six to 18 months, and despite the fact it’s ‘very normal’ for periods of sexlessness to creep in around this time, couples often end up panicking.
‘They can get themselves into difficult patterns that are made up of guilt, shame, pressure and expectation,’ says Natasha. ‘I think that is a huge strain on couples, and often one partner will leave because they think that they’ll have their needs met in a different relationship.’
Contempt
Renowned psychologist John Gottman defined contempt as the number one predictor of divorce – but according to Natasha, it can stop an upcoming marriage in its tracks too.
‘You can only experience so much eye rolling, mocking or mimicking before you start to see a significant impact on your self-worth,’ she explains. ‘That’s when people tend to start hearing from friends and family that now is the time to bail out.’
Warning signs of abuse
The lead-up to marriage can feel like crunch time; either get out now, or be tied to this person forever. And when there are signs of coercive control, toxic dynamics, or narcissistic behaviours before you say ‘I do’, things are unlikely to improve afterwards.
Margaret explains: ‘People may not always reveal their true character at once. Over time, as individuals spend more time with their prospective spouse, certain harmful behaviours may come to light. In some cases, one may begin to experience abuse within the relationship.
‘Abuse can take various forms, including physical, emotional, psychological, financial, and spiritual. Regardless of the type, any form of violence or abuse should never be tolerated. Recognising these signs and choosing to end the engagement is a justified and necessary action.’
‘Sometimes, ending an engagement is an act of self-preservation,’ she continues.
‘Letting go of worries about others’ opinions and listening to one’s own needs and instincts can reveal that the relationship is no longer healthy. But even if family and friends are disappointed or inconvenienced, personal well-being must take precedence over external expectations.’
Trust issues
Licensed marriage and family therapist, and author of 7 Primal Wounds: Break the Patterns Keeping You Stuck, Dr Michaela Renee Johnson, tell Metro: ‘Many engagements end when couples become activated due to trust issues, whether it’s exes, online connections or generally feeling that the person will not be emotionally available for the long haul.’
Margaret adds: ‘When issues like defensiveness or secrecy regarding ex-partners, questionable lifestyle choices, concerns about substance abuse, or suspicions of infidelity arise, they can prompt individuals to reconsider their engagement and take a pause to reflect.’
Falling out of love
Particularly in longer relationships, the engagement can end not with a bang, but a whimper, as the couple simply realises they’ve fallen out of love.
‘While both individuals may have entered the relationship with genuine intentions and a desire to love one another, sometimes those feelings do not endure,’ explains Margaret. ‘The love that once existed may simply fade over time, and that is a reality many couples face.’
She adds: ‘It’s important to acknowledge that this is a valid reason for ending an engagement, and it is perfectly acceptable to recognise when love has not lasted.’
Focusing on the marriage, not the wedding
In some cases, breaking off engagement doesn’t mean the relationship itself is over.
Instead, Margaret notes that couples may come to the realisation that a wedding is merely an event, whereas marriage is a lifelong commitment, and want to ‘concentrate on the deeper question of whether they genuinely wish to share their lives together in a legal and emotional partnership.’
‘By stepping back from the wedding arrangements, the couple can set aside the “distraction” of the big day and take the necessary time to reflect on their true feelings and intentions,’ she says.
‘This pause can provide much-needed clarity, helping each person to decide if marriage is absolutely right for them at this point in their lives.’
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