We all know taking a break from a partner can muddy the waters over what constitutes cheating. Need we mention the infamous ‘we were on a break’ debacle in Friends?
But this week, we hear from a reader has found themselves in an even trickier predicament. After separating from her husband due to his ongoing drug use, she ended up having a drunken one-night stand with someone else.
Now she’s back with her ex — and not only is she’s pregnant, she has the unshakeable feeling it’s not his.
Read the advice below, but before you go, make sure to read last week’s Sex Column about a woman who’s desperate to lose her virginity, but has a panic attack whenever she comes close.
The problem:
I’m in my mid-thirties and have been married for eight years to a guy I met on holiday. He comes from Manchester, I’m from London, and he moved to be with me.
We married quite quickly but so far don’t have children, although he’s always said he wants them. The reason I held off is because he used to be a major coke-head, and I never thought he was ready for babies until he grew out of his partying ways.
Although he promised to quit, I’ve caught him out a couple of times and he had to admit to still doing it. For instance, one time when we kissed, my mouth was immediately tingly because he had wiped his gums with coke, and another time, when we were away with friends, he suddenly disappeared. I found him doing a line in the pantry!
Finally, I left him and went back to my parents. I thought it was a good time to take a break from the pill but unfortunately, I ended up having a drunken one-night-stand with some random guy I met in a club, and now I’m nearly three-months pregnant.
My husband and I got back together shortly after my fling, and he promised he’s quit his partying lifestyle. I think me leaving was the jolt he needed, and now everything between us is perfect.
I’m fairly sure the baby is the result of my one-night stand, but my partner has no idea about it and is really excited to be a dad. The guy I hooked up with looked eerily similar to him and I’m sure that if I said nothing, he’d be none the wiser.
I know if I own up to my fling it will cause a lot of heartache, but the guilt is killing me. I lie awake at night, worrying what to do.
The advice:
You’re in a difficult situation, but you need to take a deep breath and calm down. Have an honest talk with your GP; if you’re very specific about when you had sex with whom, you might be able to pin down which guy is the father of your baby.
Let’s assume the doctor can tell with some degree of accuracy, that the baby is your husband’s. Should you confess your fling? Only you know how he’s likely to react, but if there’s zero chance of him ever finding out then honestly, I would say nothing. When faced with a choice between ‘bad’ or ‘worse’, sometimes honesty isn’t always the best policy. You weren’t even together at the time.
But if it looks as though the baby could be your lover’s, you have a dilemma. Maybe the guilt is too much for you or you’re worried that DNA technology will give you away at some point in the future, in which case you must sit your husband down and tell him about your drunken fling. He’ll know his behaviour was a contributary factor and may be willing to forgive and forget.
Hopefully your love is strong enough to cope long term, but if you end up being a single parent and want to talk about it, write to me again.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
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