So, we’ve all heard the news that the U1 bus will no longer be running the service of complimentary bus passes, covering the route of Stoke Bishop to Queens Avenue, for North Village first-year students. This leaves many upcoming students stumped for ways to ensure (after many snoozed alarms) that they make their 9ams. Luckily, we’ve got countless new, innovative modes of transport that you definitely haven’t thought of, to make sure you’re on time for your lectures.
Catch a lift in Jason DonerVAN
If you’re lucky enough to be a well acquainted with JJ, the legend who runs Jason Donervans, infamous among you fishies warriors out there, then the back of the kebab van seems like the perfect place for a ride to lectures. Legend has it if you buy enough cheesy chips and gravy to hit 100 features on JJs Instagram story then you’ll find yourself with an invite for a meet and greet. Use this opportunity wisely to play the damsel in distress; complain about your awful hangovers after a sports Wednesday night out, leading to all your missed Thursday 9ams and you may be able to bag yourself a morning lift. Don’t worry, guaranteed BNOC status will offset the effects of that lingering smell of kebab meat on your clothes?
Disclaimer: this is highly embellished for media purposes and has not been tested, do not actually try this or you may be banned from the beautiful delights of Jason Donervans for life!
Commandeer the S.S Great Britain
While this option may seem extreme, it’s worth noting that the ship is already conveniently located by the harbour and has successfully crossed the Atlantic, so Queens Avenue should pose no real challenge. Simply gather a group of coursemates, appoint the geography student as captain (hopefully they know where they’re going), let the staff at the museum know you’re taking command of the ship in the name of academia, and sail majestically into your lectures. I must admit, there is a high chance that the 200 year-old Victorian steam-ship that hasn’t moved in 50 years might, just maybe, remain completely stationary, but it’s worth a shot.
Chinese whispers lecture relay
Alternatively, students can opt for the Chinese whispers commute, a method that eliminates the need to travel altogether! Yay! It begins with your lecturer announcing something important at the front of the lecture theatre. This message is passed, row by row, from student to studen. From there, the chain continues outside. A student exiting the lecture theatre relays it to someone on Woodland Road, who shouts it across the road to a friend heading up towards the Downs. The message is then whispered dramatically across the field, picked up by a male jogger in offensivelly short shorts, handed to a distracted Clifton dog walker handling 40 miniature daschunds, and carefully carried through the wind into Stoke Bishop. The message slips into your student halls via an open kitchen window, is repeated over the sound of a boiling pot of pasta, and finally reaches you, still in bed, as a vague instruction that vaguely resembles what the lecturer maybe said two hours ago.
Ride with your drug dealer
Make sure you get those all-important numbers saved during freshers, they may come in handy for more than one thing (if you’re not already living in Badock, then some networking will help you out here). Don’t expect this one to work any time before 3 pm though, your dealer most likely won’t be working on a 9-5 schedule. They also aren’t the most time efficient, or reliable, so you might find yourself sat waiting on the Downs for an hour, at that point it’s just quicker to walk.
Ski down Blackboy Hill
Nothing screams Bristol Uni first-year like showing off your ski kit, so get your skis, poles and boots out (we know you’re desperate to justify that UBSC membership) and use them for something other than the infamous Bristol Uni ski trip. We all know how treacherous walking up Blackboy Hill is, but… the thrill of skiing down it might make up for those lung-shattering treks up. Plus, it’s cheaper than a ski pass, and arguably safer than hurling yourself down the ‘Swiss Wall’ run. Bonus points if you weave between parked cars like you’re in the Winter Olympics, or if you manage to take out a rogue Deliveroo cyclist on the way (survival of the fittest).
Make friends with the Clifton down goats
Channel your inner Dr Dolittle and go commune with the fuzzy local celebrities. Harness the happy-go-lucky energy of the Clifton Down goats and let them guide you on your daily pilgrimage to your lectures. You’ll reach the university in a zen-like state that no bus ride could ever achieve. Make sure you’re always carrying a bag of fresh cut grass to stay on their good side.
Penny boarding
Come rain or shine, a penny board, will never let you down. Use Bristol’s unnaturally hilly terrain in your favour to speed to your lectures in style, on a plastic death trap. Embrace each near collision with a disoriented pedestrian and let the adrenaline rush, fuelled by fear of a rogue pebble sending you flying, propel you to your lectures with a newfound confidence visible to all (or maybe that’s the windburn…). Be warned: the penny board lifestyle necessitates you growing out your hair and donning an, ideally tie-dye, peace and love t-shirt.
Hot air balloon (obviously)
A hot air balloon offers both efficiency and prestige. Drift peacefully over Bristol while reviewing lecture slides and waving at the U1 bus below, now nothing more than a relic of a bygone era. Admittedly, landing parking (do you park a hot air balloon?) outside the ASS might require some sort of permit, but the views alone make it worth the risk of disciplinary action.
Hitchhike
Embrace the Bristol Green Party mindset and stay eco-friendly with a bit of hitchhiking. Re-use those tried and tested skills you learned during your tour of Southeast Asia on the gap year girlie trek and get those thumbs out on the Downs! A simple lurk along Parry’s Lane and a cheeky smile at passing parents on the early run to Bristol Grammar School will have you well on the way to an on-time check in for your 9ams.
