Gen Z’s dating life has just gotten even messier with the emergence of a new toxic trend.
You can forget ghosting and gaslighting, there’s a new term on the block to describe avoidance in relationships.
This term is “banksying”, named after the anonymous British street artist and political activist known as Banksy, and it’s meant to reflect his signature style: Sudden, cryptic artwork appearances that leave people guessing.
So, what is ‘banksying’?
To “banksy” someone is to begin the process of destroying a relationship before the other person sees it coming, drawing a parallel to some of Banksy’s work that has famously self-destructed – one even making headlines for shredding itself after being auctioned for $1.4 million.
“Banksying”, then, basically refers to suddenly breaking up with a partner, leaving them blindsided. This isn’t because that person was unaware of their looming decision, though. In fact, the person doing the “banksying” will have been withdrawing emotionally for some time, but only ends the relationship when they’ve mentally checked out.
Capturing the emotional selfishness of today’s dating culture, the recipient is left feeling gaslit and confused, having been repeatedly reassured everything was fine despite having doubts. Meanwhile, the departing partner is relieved and ready to move on straight away, after prioritising their own feelings over the person they were supposed to care about.
Why is ‘banksying’ happening more now?
Amy Chan, a dating coach and the author of Breakup Bootcamp: The Science of Rewiring Your Heart, told USA Today that whilst “banksying” has been going on for a while, it’s becoming more common.
The author cited the proliferation of dating apps, “where people have developed poor dating etiquette”, as the most likely cause of its surge in popularity.
“The person withdrawing gets the ability to process the breakup on their own terms, before they hand the memo to the other person who ends up being in total shock. It’s selfish,” Amy added.
The psychology behind the breakup
Emma Hathorn, a relationship expert at Seeking.com, said the “banksying” dating trend leaves those on the receiving end feeling gaslit and confused. Even though the person who’s been broken up with may suspect something is wrong, their partner reassures them right up until the moment they end the relationship.
“Banksying is something that we have all experienced at one point or another,” Emma said.
“Previously, there hasn’t been a way to express that subtle feeling of dread when a partner has begun to pull away, essentially icing us out. Emotionally manipulative, emotionally distant – there are plenty of ways that people have tried to define it,” she added.
The ambiguous nature of the action is what makes “banksying” especially painful for its recipients. Whilst ghosting, when someone suddenly cuts off all communication without warning or explanation, is certainly distressing, it’s at least clear to a partner that the relationship has been abandoned.
via Canva
However, with “banksying” people are usually left in the dark, unsure whether their concerns are justified or whether their relationship is stable.
Amy said: “They [a partner] might lie and say everything is ‘fine’ but you also have to exert that you’re not ‘fine’ because you can pick up the cues of emotional distance.
“Don’t gaslight yourself into thinking it’s OK to sweep the cold behaviour under the rug just because they’re saying everything is fine, but acting in a way that’s completely the opposite.”
The increasing popularity of the “banksying” trend might reveal how we’re regressing in interpersonal skills, especially around dating etiquette.
“It seems like there’s less of an ability to tolerate uncomfortable emotions and hard conversations, so instead of dealing with the relationship challenges, or feeling the guilt of a breakup, people end up causing more harm by dragging things out,” the dating coach explained.
What’s the solution?
Amy believes encouraging open and honest communication, even when that feels uncomfortable, is the best solution to the growing trend.
Emma agrees that the fix is “blunt honesty”, which, she says, the modern dating world is in desperate need of.
“Being upfront, firm but polite shows that you know what you want and are unwilling to waste your time and a potential partner’s time,” she added.
