New York State

THE historic majesty of the Old Course at St Andrews, the lush, rolling greens of Georgia’s Augusta National . . . 

And last but not least, the windswept, drizzly grandeur of Hastings’ Pelham Place, home to arguably the greatest fixture in the global sporting calendar — the 22nd World Crazy Golf Championship.

Chris Eades

Nick McGrath travelled to Hastings for the 22nd World Crazy Golf Championship[/caption]

Chris Eades

Sun man Nick trying his luck at the windmill[/caption]

Chris Eades

Nick looks unimpressed as he checks his score[/caption]

Standing on the slate-grey seafront, just beyond the miniature railway and the swan lake pedalos, the tricky 18-hole course has played host to some of the most compelling confrontations in golfing history.

And as the rain lashes the painted windmill on hole five, it’s my turn to take to the tee.

A hush falls over the cagoule-wearing crowd in East Sussex as I flick seagull poo from the soggy felt green and prepare to take the tournament by storm.

Nick “The Hack” McGrath — your time is now.

Feet shoulder-width apart, back straight, putter poised, I stroke my WCGC-monogrammed ball effortlessly past the windmill towards the par two hole.

My opponents in the novice competition — Dee “The Retailer” Relf, a 49-year-old Poundland store manager from Kent, and retired local aromatherapist “Fragrant” Sue Goodhand, 74 — raise their eyebrows in surprise, clearly intimidated by my commanding presence.

Seventeen holes, 55 scattergun shots and zero holes-in-one later, I’ve disgraced myself and almost detached the wooden watermill on hole nine from its hinges.

“You did really well,” lies Sue charitably. “Most first-timers average six or seven a hole, so well done.”

‘Pretty fierce’

Like Sue, it’s Dee’s second year in the championship, but she’s not confident about retaining the women’s crown she took home last year.

“Too many mistakes this year,” she sighs, before revealing how she will spend her prize money if she does top the leaderboard again.

“Probably down the pub with a nice Jack Daniels and Coke.”

Sue and Dee are just two of the estimated 11million Brits that play crazy or mini golf regularly. The first UK course opened in Skegness in 1926 and today there are more than 1,200 in Britain.

“There is definitely an element of crazy in crazy golf,” admits event organiser Simon Tompkins.

“We started with 24 entrants in 2003, and there are 162 competitors this year, from as far and wide as Hungary, America and New Zealand.

“It’s a fun pastime for all the family and all generations. But when you get to the final round with the elite players, all the balls are in play at the same time, and they can knock each other out. The rivalry can get pretty fierce.”

The titans of the modern game are two-time champion Adam “AK 47” Kelly and reigning, four-times winner Marc “The Force” Chapman, who will become the joint most successful player of all time if he takes home the £1,250 first prize in the Pro Contest.

When you get to the final round with the elite players, all the balls are in play at the same time, and they can knock each other out. The rivalry can get pretty fierce

Event organiser Simon Tompkins

A fencing coach from Canterbury, 39-year-old father-of-one Marc believes crazy golf divinity has nothing to do with luck, and everything to do with mental strength.

“If you only played a one-round shootout, then anyone could get lucky and win,” says Marc, competing for the 15th time.

“But over a weekend of six or seven rounds you need focus, consistency and presence of mind. Without that, you’re gone.”

And far from crumbling under the pressure, he positively revels in his rivalry with Adam Kelly and fellow elite veteran and former winner Michael Smith, who is sadly absent this year.

“We’re like the Rafael Nadal, Novak Djokovic and Roger Federer of the Crazy Golf world,” says Marc, who plans to spend his prize money on servicing his Audi Q3.

Competing for the 16th time, double winner Adam, who triumphed in 2022 and 2023, is desperate to regain the title from his arch-rival.

“Last year, if I’m honest, I was just outplayed. Marc Chapman had a great year, and I wasn’t quite at my best.

“I’d love to get the title back and go on to win five championships and to be talked about among the all-time greats of the tournaments. Of course I would.”

But Adam is also a realist. He is aware that he and other elite performers are not striking fear into Tiger Woods, Rory McIlroy and the professional golfing community.

‘Rude awakening’

“You’ve got to have a sense of perspective,” admits Lincoln-based Adam. 

“It’s great to be able to call yourself a world champion and not many people get to do that. But I’ve also got enough perspective to realise it is a bit silly.”

Flamboyant Texan Rainey “Rainman” Statum has travelled 5,000 miles from Houston to compete for the first time in the competition and he is struggling with the conditions.

“This one has been on my bucket list for years and years,” says the confident 63-year-old.

My ex-wife got rid of me because I played too much crazy golf, so yeh, it kinda cost me my marriage

Rainey 'Rainman' Statum

“But it’s been a rude awakening. I’m Texas-born and raised and it’s usually 95 degrees out there, so I’m freezing.

“I’ve got five layers on and I’m still shivering but I’m still confident. And if it doesn’t work out this year, I’ll be back next year.”

Rainey, who works in building maintenance at the Deerwood Country Club Golf Course in the US, featured in the 1996 comedy movie Tin Cup and has won $200,000 and numerous American crazy golf titles.

He believes that preparation is pivotal and played 25 rounds on the Hastings course before the event itself.

Chris Eades

Flamboyant Texan Rainey ‘Rainman’ Statum has travelled 5,000 miles from Houston to compete for the first time in the competition[/caption]

“I’ve also got this bible,” he says, clutching a notepad full of intricate line drawings of the undulations, angles and eccentricities of each hole. “This definitely helps, but you’ve still got to hit them.”

Obsession has its pitfalls though, reveals Rainey.

“My ex-wife got rid of me because I played too much crazy golf, so yeah, it kinda cost me my marriage. But my new lady friend loves it.” As the competition draws to a close on the Sunday afternoon, AK 47 slides down the leaderboard.

“But my new lady friend loves it.” As the competition draws to a close on the Sunday afternoon, AK 47 slides down the leaderboard.

Leapfrogging him into second place as the final round approaches is wily Welshman Seve “The Dragon” Kukielka, currently top seed in the British Minigolf Association Rankings.

He gets to within a single shot of Marc Chapman but the Canterbury competitor’s two holes-in-one in the final three holes earns him a record-breaking fifth title and enough prize money to service his Audi.

He is clearly jubilant after joining Tim Davies at the top of the all-time World Crazy Golf Championship table, and local player Murray Thompson eventually pips Seve to second place.

Marc is already thinking about passing the baton on to his crazy-golf-mad son Ambrose, three.

And how will Marc celebrate his triumph? “Probably with a restless night being kicked in the back by the little one when he gets in the big bed.”

ISRAEL has made light work of dispatching “selfie yacht” activist Greta Thunberg and others back from whence they came.

Swedish Greta was warned by her own country not to attempt the mission to deliver a small amount of aid to Gaza, which experts say might have been used to feed Hamas fighters anyway.

Reuters

‘Selfie yacht’ activist Greta Thunberg was swiftly deported unharmed by plane[/caption]

Reuters

Swedish Greta was warned by her own country not to attempt the mission to deliver a small amount of aid to Gaza[/caption]

AFP

Passengers of the Madleen Gaza-bound aid boat pictured after the vessel was intercepted by Israeli forces in international waters[/caption]

And, as they headed along the coast of Egypt, they were told by Israel not to enter “an active conflict area”.

But they ignored the warnings, the boat was intercepted by the Israeli forces, and Greta and others were swiftly deported unharmed by plane.

If their goal was to highlight Israel’s over-excessive bombardment of Gaza and that aid is being blocked, they have achieved it.

Meanwhile, a couple of thousand miles away, small boat arrivals to the UK are predicted to hit 50,000 people this year alone. That’s approximately the population of Paignton, Devon.

That’s approximately the population of Paignton, Devon.

We have already paid squillions to France to supposedly ‘stop the boats’ and now it’s asking for more.

Judging by recent photos, it presumably spent the first down payment on new phones for gendarmes to idly scroll through Instagram while smuggling gangs loaded up boats right under their noses.

They’ve come up with some vieille merde about how they can’t stop the vessels once they’ve entered shallow water, but what were they doing prior to them entering it? Or do they only work office hours?

Whatever. Lives are being lost at sea because of their pathetic inaction, and the solution is very simple, non?

They don’t need to go near the poor souls risking their lives in these fragile death traps.

They just need to pick off the bloke in the balaclava with the boat keys, charge him with people smuggling and, after he’s served his time, put him on a plane back from whence he came.

Then put his fate on Instagram as a deterrent to others who might also be considering a career in the trade of exploiting human desperation.

DECENT DEMO

GREENPEACE activists in Paris temporarily stole a waxwork of Emmanuel Macron and positioned him outside the Russian embassy with a sign saying “business is business” in protest at him allowing French firms to carry on doing deals with Russia.

Now this is the kind of activism I can get behind.

Ingenious, amusing and hammers the point home, without causing reckless damage to ancient works of art or holding up ordinary people just trying to get to work.

SHAME ON YOU

WHEN the latest victim of this country’s knife crime epidemic was stabbed in north Manchester, he begged for help at a nearby house.

Ibrahima Seck, 14, who later died from his injuries, told the family who invited him in and called an ambulance: “I don’t want to die.”

They said he had tried two other houses before theirs, “but they wouldn’t do anything”.

Whoever they are, shame on them.

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A RARE, 200-year-old condom has gone on display at the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam.

Rumours that it came from a Hugh Hefner probate sale are greatly exaggerated.

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Rumours that the 200-year-old condom on display came from a Hugh Hefner probate sale are greatly exaggerated[/caption]

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THAT’S A BIT RICH

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‘Financier’ Jho Low has ‘vanished’ after embezzling billions of Malaysian state money[/caption]

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Low reportedly paid Leonardo DiCaprio $250k each every time he attended one of his shindigs[/caption]

ANOTHER day, another fraudster who has “vanished” after embezzling billions of Malaysian state money.

“Financier” Jho Low, who was educated at Harrow school, was fond of throwing lavish parties frequented by Hollywood A-listers who seemingly failed to question where the money was coming from.

He reportedly paid Britney Spears $1million to jump out of his birthday cake, and gave actors Leonardo DiCaprio and Megan Fox $250,000 each every time they attended one of his shindigs.

Given Fox’s less than successful movie career, one can see how such easy money might appeal. But why on earth would DiCaprio see fit to be a dancing monkey for a sad wannabe with so few friends that he has to buy them?

Not to mention the fact that DiCaprio flew to Australia “for a few hours” on Low’s private jet before returning to celebrate New Year in Vegas.

Another contract shown in court was for DiCaprio to be flown in an “exclusive private plane” to attend another of Low’s birthday parties.

DiCaprio wasn’t to know that the money was being taken out of the mouths of Malaysia’s poor, but he damn well knew that he was taking pointless private plane trips for his own gain while simultaneously lecturing the rest of us about climate change.

What a jet-propelled hypocrite.

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FOLLOWING Valerie the dachshund being found alive and well after 529 days lost in the Australian Outback, another dog has survived 36 days on the run.

Amber, a golden retriever cross, evaded traps and thermal imaging to swim, it’s believed, to Brownsea Island off Dorset.

She is thought to have covered 100 miles and entered a “wild mindset” before being caught.

Once again proving the point that dogs don’t need monogrammed coats, organic kibble and a prime position on their owner’s bed or sofa to survive in life.

They’re descended from wolves, and they’re just fine with being treated like animals rather than children.

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A CHEAP WAY TO RESOLVE BECKHAM BUST-UP

Instar Images

Brooklyn Beckham and wife Nicola could kill the family feud story for far cheaper than hiring an expensive crisis management specialist[/caption]

BROOKLYN BECKHAM and wife Nicola Peltz have reportedly hired an expensive crisis management specialist to handle their, er, reputations following reports of a fallout with his parents David and Victoria.

Look kids, there’s a far cheaper way to kill the story stone dead.

Either hop on a plane and be photographed having a cosy dinner with them or, at the very least, post a cutesy family photo with a caption saying ‘miss you guys’ or whatever it is that online influencers say these days.

Job done. Where do I send the invoice?

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ORGANISED crime gangs have managed to steal £47million from HMRC by fraudulently posing as taxpayers using phished details.

They stole the money by applying for fake tax refunds.

I’m shocked to the core . . . HMRC gives refunds?

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GNOME COURT FARCE

BNPS

The Lorraine Hutton garden gnome case shows something’s gone badly wrong with how we police this country[/caption]

WHEN Lorraine Hutton moved a garden gnome from a communal pathway and accidentally broke it, she put £20 through her neighbour’s letterbox to pay for the damage.

But her neighbour accused her of breaking the gnome “provocatively” and reported her to Dorset police.

Ludicrous enough, you might think.

But 66-year-old Ms Hutton was then interviewed, formally charged with criminal damage, and taken to court in a case funded to the tune of thousands of pounds by the British taxpayer.

After all, there was Ms Hutton’s psychiatric evaluation to pay for, the court costs, and a £55- an-hour Lithuanian interpreter for her aggrieved neighbour.

Fifteen months and three court dates later, she has now been formally cleared and says it has been “an enormous waste of time and public money”.

Quite. In fact, the only person who needs a psychiatric report is whoever decided this nonsense should go to court in the first place.

Meanwhile, according to data from the year ending June 2024, more than two million crimes went unsolved across England and Wales alone – the equivalent of nearly 6,000 a day.

You don’t have to be Sherlock Gnomes (sorry) to work out that something’s gone badly wrong with how we police this country.

NO PLACE FOR VEIL

It’s hard to believe we’re still having the debate over whether to ban the burka in a country where women are supposed to be equal.

It’s already banned in France, Belgium, Switzerland, the Netherlands and Denmark so why are we still dragging our feet?

Perhaps the perspective of a female writer living under the Taliban regime in Afghanistan might help?

Remaining Anonymous for obvious reasons, she has been writing to British author Kate Mosse about her life under the tyrannical regime where women are treated as second class citizens who aren’t even allowed to walk in their local park.

She points out that, back in 1919, reformist king Amanullah Khan ‘initiated a series of reforms, with women’s education and inclusion at the forefront.’ This included the ‘removal of the veil.’

But he was forced to flee when soldiers persuaded the masses that their wives and daughters would become infidels, so women’s rights were sacrificed by the next leader to maintain his rule.

He confined women to their homes, closed girls schools and re-imposed the veil.

This little snapshot from history alone should be enough to convince us that the veil is an oppressive and reductive item of clothing that has no place in a supposedly free society.

DEAR DEIDRE: AM I really cheating on my husband if all I’m looking for is a little fun while he’s locked up in prison?

I’m a woman of 42 and I have four children, all in their teens.

I’ve been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 18. He’s 45 now, but he’s in jail after getting dragged into working with a gang, who shifted high-value stolen goods. He’s still got another year to serve.

My husband was the only man I’d ever been with, but now my head has been turned by the lad, who lives next door.

My neighbour is 24 and he used to babysit the kids when my husband and I had a night out.

He knows what’s been going on in my life and he’s been a great support, cutting my lawn for me and taking me to the supermarket because I don’t drive.

Three weeks ago, he knocked on my back door and walked in like he always does.

At the time, I was feeling low and lonely. He’s a young guy, who gives the best hugs and, while he was holding me, he pulled my chin up and kissed me.

It set the sparks flying — I’ve not been kissed like that for a long time.

It was so dangerous, but we ended up going through to the lounge. He kissed my neck and all the way down my body, making me feel alive. The sex was off the scale.

We’ve been seeing one another when the kids are at school and college. I know he’s much younger than me and it isn’t right.

But I miss sex so much. Is it technically cheating while my husband is away for a long time?

DEIDRE SAYS: I think you know the answer to this question already, but are hopeful someone will give you a more convenient response.

Yes, it’s still cheating. It’s not your fault that your husband got involved in crime but, if you’re prepared to wait for him and keep your marriage intact, then you should remain faithful.

You may miss the sex, but your children have had enough to contend with without you muddying the waters by jumping into bed with their young babysitter.

You’re at very different life stages, so this relationship is unlikely to last.

Be the adult and tell him this was a mistake and it was never going to be anything serious while you’re married.

Contact Prisoners’ Families (prisonersfamilies.org, 0808 808 2003), who can offer emotional support while your husband is away.

I’M TERRIFIED OF LOVING MY NEW MAN AFTER OP

DEAR DEIDRE: I AM scared to have sex with my new partner because my doctor says I might not physically be able to do it.

I’m a divorcee of 56 and I’ve had lots of “women’s problems” and had four operations.

My specialist asked whether I was in a relationship at my last check-up. When I said no, he said, “Good. You must be careful if you have intercourse because you could tear the scar.”

I met a new guy through a friend two months ago and he’s lovely.

He’s 49 and I know he’s longing to have sex. I’ve done sexual things for him but I’m so worried about what the specialist said that I can’t relax enough to let him touch me sexually.

I don’t know what to do but if I don’t do anything, he may leave me.

DEIDRE SAYS: You do need time to heal after any operation but if your new partner is careful and you both take things slowly, you can try to get into a sexual relationship little by little.

Go back to your doctor and ask how long you should wait before having sex again.

Ask if your scarring is healing well. It will help you feel less anxious if you explain to your new partner why you are worried.

There are other sorts of things he can do to enable you to feel aroused apart from penetrative sex.

My support pack Self-Help For Painful Sex will give you both some guidance on how to make things comfortable for you.

WIFE ADMIRES MEN AT WORK

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife rarely initiates sex because she’s too tired, but she has lots of energy to chat to her attractive male colleagues when she’s on a business trip.

We’ve been married for ten years. I work from home as an accountant with my own business. The work is pretty dull.

My wife works for a big corporation and she organises events for them across the world. She is the breadwinner and she loves her job.

She talks about her colleagues – both women and men, but mainly the men.

She mentions how tall or athletic they are, how attractive they are and how she could talk to them for hours when she’s away.

She never calls me or the kids when she’s travelling. Meanwhile, I stay at home minding the children and feeling like a doormat.

I’ve asked her whether she’s ever cheated on me and she says no, but when she comes home and I go to cuddle her, she pushes me away.

She takes me for granted and I’m fed up with it.

DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sure you are. If your job limits you to only talking to clients, it may feel a little humdrum while she’s off seeing the world.

Rather than letting this fester, find a quiet moment to tell her that you’re feeling neglected.

She’s unlikely to give up her job, and nor should she have to. It’s important to remember you don’t have any evidence of her cheating.

But ask that when she’s home, she commits to set time aside for you and the children.

When she’s with you, arrange some date nights. She may feel jet-lagged but if you pitch this right, she may be appreciative of being back home.

If she is unwilling to make an effort, talk about what is going on for her. My support pack Looking After Your Relationship will help you to see how you can reconnect.

GIVING your home a revamp for summer need not cost a fortune.

With just a few little tricks you can create bright and breezy decor that is perfect.

Here’s some ideas . . . 

PERFECT PRINT: Keep those holiday postcards and pop them in a frame. You can buy cheap black ones from around 99p at Wilko. 

Gather a few different postcards in varying styles — retro works particularly well. You can then use the framed pictures to create a gallery wall that livens up a room or hallway.

MELLOW YELLOW: Get your home feeling a little more vibrant with some brighter colours. A few pops here and there will work wonders. 

You can get summery-style cushions from around £7 at Primark. Or if you want to go a step further, create a feature wall in a shade such as butter yellow, which is on trend for this year.

LIGHT TOUCHES: Summer style is all about embracing the lighter side of life. Have some fun with your home by maybe changing up drawers or cupboard knobs.

A pack of six floral knobs is £12 from Dunelm. Or The Range has a few different styles — at pretty affordable prices.

SEAS THE DAY: If you are feeling more creative, shells collected from the beach can be glued on to vases, plant pots or mirror frames to make more of a feature of them.

Or simply fill a glass jar with some coloured seaglass and shells to add a beachy accent to a table or shelf.

BLOOMIN’ LOVELY: Nothing says summer quite like having fresh flowers displayed around the home. You don’t have to go overboard by spending loads on big, showy bouquets.

Work with just what’s in your garden or local woods. Perhaps try gathering up a big bunch of cow parsley — or even just a single stem in a small vase can look fabulous.

• All prices on page correct at time of going to press. Deals and offers subject to availability.

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Create a bright and breezy decor in time for summer with our tricks[/caption]

Deal of the day

Matalan

Save £100 on this patio dining set with umbrella and four folding chairs at Matalan[/caption]

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Cheap treat

Superdrug

Treat yourself to a manicure with Barry M’s Gelly nail paint, just £4.49 at Superdrug[/caption]

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Top swap

Ganni

This Relaxed Peach T-shirt is £115 from Ganni[/caption]

H&M

But H&M’s option with a similar fruit design is just £11.05[/caption]

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Sainsburys

This orange twist Toblerone is down to £4.74 with a Nectar card at Sainsbury’s[/caption]

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More drama in The Square!

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'Accosting a grown man'.

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La Palma is not in the 'first world', a top official said.