There comes a point in every relationship where you reach a crossroads – you can either stay as you are, take the next step, or decide to go your separate ways.
Often one partner might be pushing the other towards a big commitment, like marriage, and this could result in that life-changing question being popped.
But if both people don’t truly desire this, it could be that instead of a meaningful, romantic proposal, you actually got a ‘shut up ring’.
This, as relationship psychotherapist Debbie Keenan explains, is an ‘illusion’ of commitment given ‘to shut someone up’.
‘The shut up ring is usually given to buy time and stop conflict,’ she tells Metro. ‘It is not usually given out of genuine desire, but out of pressure and emotional avoidance.’
A woman on Reddit has recently become concerned that this kind of proposal is something she could be heading for with her partner of almost two years, after he expressed that he ‘doesn’t really believe in getting married’.
She made it clear that she wants to be married in the future and he’s since said he would do it to make her happy, but this answer has left her worried she’d be forcing him into something he doesn’t really want.
So how do you work out whether or not your engagement ring is really a shut up ring? According to Debbie there are four things to look out for…
The warning signs you’ve been given a shut up ring:
- Your partner popped the question after you verbalised that you needed a sign of a commitment, usually after a big argument or some kind of conflict.
- There’s no joy or happiness around the proposal and your partner won’t share the news with their family or friends.
- Your partner becomes avoidant when the engagement or wedding is mentioned.
- Your partner has no inclination to discuss marriage plans or the future.
What to do if you’ve been given a shut up ring
Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but Debbie, a senior British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) accredited psychotherapist, says it’s crucial that you ‘trust your gut instinct’.
If a proposal or engagement doesn’t feel right, ask yourself whether it’s about the relationship or the symbolism. Are you finding yourself second-guessing whether your partner really wanted to give the ring, or if they felt coerced into giving it? If so, she warns that resentment could take root.
Debbie admits she views as shut up ring as a ‘major red flag’ in a relationship.
‘If I heard this in the therapy room, I would be questioning whether this couple were fully invested in the commitment and desire for this relationship,’ she explains.
‘I would also be exploring what validation this ring is providing, as well as the person who received the ring’s self-worth and self-concept.’
She adds that those who do find themselves in this situation aren’t on the best footing to be walking down the aisle.
‘A relationship like this is built on fragile foundations. This is the opposite of a healthy relationship, where both parties would be willing to enter into commitment freely.’
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