Everyone at Exeter knows the accommodations all have their own reputations. Some deserved, some exaggerated, and some just undeniable.
So, in the festive spirit of overspending on people you barely know, it felt only right to imagine what each accommodation would actually want for Secret Santa.
Because if halls could talk, they’d have a Christmas wish list longer than the line for Impy in Fresher’s Week.
Lafrowda
Lafrowda would be the biggest gift exchange, because let’s be honest, with 900 plus students crammed together it basically functions as its own ecosystem.
Its wish list would start strong asking (begging) for a kitchen that stays clean for more than six hours. Followed closely by a bin fairy, new upstairs neighbours, and someone to wash up the stolen Timepiece cup that’s been in the sink since the start of term.
Lafrowda’s real Secret Santa dream is simple: For everyone to go home for Christmas and have an uninterrupted night of silence. Sadly, even Santa can’t compete with the eternal soundtrack of corridor pres before TP Wednesday.
Birks Grange Village
Birks would show up to Secret Santa pretending it didn’t really want anything, but everyone knows it’s secretly praying for something to make Cardiac hill less traumatic.
Its list would probably include a personal ski lift or a mule, maybe then its residents would actually make it to lectures. Next, some kind of industrial-grade dehumidifier so clothes stop taking three business days for the tumble drier to dry.
But honestly, the biggest gift Birks wants is forgiveness from every student who’s huffed their way up that incline questioning all their life choices.
Lastly, Birks would kindly request to have its student shop back, as it’s residents can’t even reward themselves with a sweet treat after forcing themselves to go to their seminars.
Holland Hall
Holland Hall’s Secret Santa list would read like the Christmas wish list of a spoiled aristocrat. Even though you are buying for someone your barley know, Holland Hall would have a minimum spend of £100.
While everyone else is scribbling “chocolate” or “funny mug,” on their wish lists, Holland is demanding a lot more. Politely requesting a new pair of Tom’s trunks shorts, a Longchamp, and perhaps a small investment portfolio.
In all honesty, Holland Hall doesn’t have much to ask for. Holland Hall just wants to be name dropped by its residents and for them to brag more about having the best views on campus.
Old Lafrowda
On the other hand, Old Laf has an extensive list. Most importantly it wants to stop people giving it a bad rep as the hall that doubles as an escape room or, depending on who you ask, a minimum-security prison.
Its Secret Santa list would probably read: A functioning shower, a key that works, and wall’s that make the room look less like a cell. Deep down, Old Laf just wants to survive a year without people bullying it and make it through the winter without the radiators breaking.
Duryard
Duryard’s Secret Santa list would probably start with something like a teleportation device or a private shuttle to Streatham. Let’s face it, it’s the kind of place you only visit if you enjoy long walks and questioning your life choices.
Its sprawling, isolated, lonely location gives it a reputation for being boring. When in reality loads of exciting things happen there – like just yesterday a squirrel ran across the car park!
Duryard doesn’t ask for much, just a bit of recognition, and signal good enough to watch your lecture because you couldn’t be bothered to walk all the way onto campus.
East Park
East Park’s Secret Santa list would probably start with “a refund for the rent” because students still can’t believe how much they’re paying to live up a mountain of endless steps.
Add in a sprinkle of terror courtesy for when the fire alarm sounds at 2am and a man’s ominous voice wakes you up in fear and starts telling you to leave the building. East Park just wants a little mercy: Fewer stairs, cheaper rent, and maybe some more room between the bed and the desk.
