As I opened the text, a rush of excitement ran through my body. I swiftly hid the screen from any nosy passers-by.
Victor* was a confident and deliciously sexy man, so I had known his words would be filthy – but even though we had a standing arrangement that sending nudes to each other was ok – I hadn’t expected him to include a photo. I was even shocked to see a beautiful woman on my phone screen, wearing nothing but a black thong.
It was Vic’s girlfriend, Andrea.*
My cheeks were bright red and, to make matters worse, I was in public, so I ducked into a side street to regain my composure before continuing on my walk home.
Vic, who was in an open relationship, and I had been texting for a few weeks after matching on a dating app.
Andrea knew about me, too.
They had clear rules for their extracurricular activities, so she would have given him her consent to send the snap – but that wasn’t why I felt uneasy.
The ‘problem’ was that the photo had really turned me on and it had taken me by surprise.
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That’s something I kept to myself for years, and it’s got me reflecting on sexual secrets.
I’m not one to shame myself for sexual pleasures, but this was the first time I had ever been part of a trio, if you can even call it that.
Vic and Andrea lived over 3,500 miles away, and we had only ever exchanged digital messages.
I ended this little fling soon after, and kept the intimate details of this experience to myself for over a decade – not even my closest friends know the full story.
Given I’m a sex columnist, it might shock you to learn that I, like most people, harbour bedroom secrets.
But I actually believe that keeping some things private can be a good thing – unless it’s done for the wrong reasons, like feeling ashamed of your experiences.
There’s a fine line between having a sexy secret versus keeping skeletons in the closet and it’s important that you understand the difference.
Many years ago, I found myself crashing on a friend’s sofa for a few weeks while my flat was getting renovated.
Danny* and I had been mates for a long time and I felt very comfortable at his place.
Bored and at home alone one day while he was at work, I ended up chatting to someone on a dating app.
The conversation soon turned naughty and an hour later, I was having phone sex, which finished with an orgasm on Danny’s sofa.
I’ll be the first to admit that what I did is not appropriate behaviour for a house guest and I wouldn’t dream of doing anything like this now – but I was young and dumb at the time.
Danny is also a pretty chilled guy, so I have a feeling he would probably laugh if I confessed – but I never have and I never will.
I didn’t just keep this secret because I had a cheeky wank in my mate’s flat.
For a long time, I felt ashamed of my actions because, like with Andrea, the person I did this with was a woman – and back then, I wasn’t yet ready to dive into this side of my sexuality.
That’s the thing about sex secrets: If they come from a place of confusion or shame, they can cause you harm or trigger negative emotions.
But secrets can also serve as great life lessons – if you’re brave enough to face up to them.
Over the years, I’ve slept with a lot of bad men who didn’t deserve my time or attention.
One, Bryan*, always insisted I go to his place and made the bare minimum effort for our hook-ups. Sure, I told my girlfriends about all the great sex we had but I conveniently left out his otherwise sh**ty behaviour.
Omitting information of this kind, which is still keeping secrets of sorts, was a clear sign that I wasn’t okay with what I was doing – or rather, with how I was allowing Bryan to treat me.
I wish I had spilled the beans much sooner to my mates, so they could have told me what I already knew: he was a walking red flag.
For the record, I’m not suggesting that you need to tell the whole world everything you get up to in the bedroom – but it’s crucial that you are honest with yourself.
These days, the only sex secrets I keep are the ones that serve me well.
Like preserving beautiful memories that I share with partners who I really cared for, and that fill me with joy whenever I think about them.
Or naughty experiences that are extra sexy because no one knows about them, like a memory you want to keep all to yourself.
Some secrets are good – and some stories are better left untold.
*Names have been changed
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Ross.Mccafferty@metro.co.uk.
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