Multiple bite marks down my shoulders.
Fingerprints all around my neck from where he’d choked me.
Two black eyes, a broken nose and a dislocated jaw.
Part of me felt stupid: How could I not have seen the signs? Other parts felt shame for letting it go on this long. But the rest of me just wanted to move on, to forget.
That’s why, initially, I didn’t accept the help that was offered to me. I didn’t think anyone out there could possibly understand what I’d been through.
Little did I know that, like me, 1 in 4 women in England and Wales experience domestic abuse in their lifetime.
My relationship with Ryan* seemed like nothing short of a fairytale romance at first.
Learn more about domestic abuse in the UK
- One in 4 women will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lives
- ONS research revealed that, in 2023, the police recorded a domestic abuse offence approximately every 40 seconds
- Yet Crime Survey for England & Wales data for the year ending March 2023 found only 18.9% of women who experienced partner abuse in the last 12 months reported the abuse to the police
- According to Refuge, 84% of victims in domestic abuse cases are female, with 93% of defendants being male
- Safe Lives reports that disabled women are twice as likely to experience domestic abuse as non-disabled women, and typically experience domestic abuse for a longer period of time before accessing support
- Refuge has also found that, on average, it takes seven attempts before a woman is able to leave for good.
It started with him picking me up after work and quickly progressed to being showered with flowers, gifts and ‘I love yous’. He even turned up at my house at 3am once just to deliver a bouquet, which, as I’d never been in a relationship before, I thought was incredibly sweet.
But while I thought I was being swept off my feet, everyone else around me could see his actions for what they truly were: Love bombing. I brushed off their concerns – this was how it was meant to be, right?
About a month into our relationship though, I’d discover that their instincts had been right as Ryan hit me before I went on a night out with a friend.
This Is Not Right
On November 25, 2024 Metro launched This Is Not Right, a year-long campaign to address the relentless epidemic of violence against women.
With the help of our partners at Women’s Aid, This Is Not Right aims to shine a light on the sheer scale of this national emergency.
You can find more articles here, and if you want to share your story with us, you can send us an email at vaw@metro.co.uk.
Read more:
When nurses queried my injuries, instead of the truth, I’d say I’d had a seizure or fallen over
The punch came completely out of the blue. There’d been no warning, he just swung. But when I questioned why he’d hit me, he gaslit me into thinking I’d made it all up.
It took a few days for him to eventually apologise and say it was ‘completely out of character’ and that he’d never do it again. But of course, that was another lie.
Over the course of the next five months I ended up in A&E 11 times with black eyes and a broken nose.
When nurses queried my injuries, instead of the truth, I’d say I’d had a seizure or fallen over. This was partly at Ryan’s insistence, but also because I felt like it was my fault this kept happening. That I was to blame for pushing him to such extremes.
And as I’d gradually lost or cut off all contact with friends and family at that time, I had no one around me to tell me otherwise.
It soon reached a point, however, where the hospital felt obliged to call the police. They then set up an alert for my phone so that, if I called 999 and coughed three times consecutively, they’d know to track my location as I was unsafe.
I thought that was an overreaction.
Despite the clear escalation in violence, losing my customer-facing job due to my injuries and now the obvious concern from authorities, I remained convinced that I could change him.
Almost seven months into our relationship, things finally reached breaking point when Ryan launched his worst assault on me yet.
He pushed me down the stairs, tried to suffocate me with a pillow, kneed me in the face breaking my nose and punched me in the jaw until the left side dislocated. At the same time, he was shouting abuse at me, yelling how he was going to ‘put me in the ground’ with my deceased brother.
The only reason the attack stopped was because I managed to lock him out of the house and call the police who took him away.
It was then, after being taken to hospital to be treated for all my various injuries, that the police offered me a lifeline: ‘We can refer you to Women’s Aid if you’d like?’ they said.
Determined to just forget and get my life back on track, I politely declined – though I did make sure to leave with a restraining order in place.
Instead of feeling free though, I was left in a state of paranoia for weeks.
I refused to leave the house unless a friend or my mum could call me. I’d constantly be looking behind me, afraid I was being followed and, if a car that was the same make and model as his whizzed past me, I’d instinctively check the registration.
Naturally, my mental health began to suffer as a result and I soon realised that this couldn’t continue.
I didn’t want to live my life like that, constantly afraid, so, I contacted the officer in charge of my case and asked for the referral.
Women’s Aid then helped me join a forum with other survivors and, honestly, I was shocked by what I found.
Find out more about the Mental Health Foundation
Finding supportive community, especially if you’re going through a traumatic or difficult time, is important for our mental health. Find out more at the Mental Health Foundation website.
If you’re experiencing domestic abuse, call the freephone, 24-hour National Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247.
For more information on support available for yourself or a loved one visit Women’s Aid.
This group was full of women – some younger, some older than me – who had all gone through similar, or in some cases, far worse things than I had. It was heartbreaking to read some of their stories, but it also gave me hope to see how much some women had overcome and escaped.
If they could do it, then I could too.
The stories that were similar to mine – where the relationship was a whirlwind and things changed so fast – gave me the most closure. It made me realise I wasn’t silly for believing Ryan all those times. That this behaviour is sadly more common than we think it is. And, actually, I wasn’t alone.
Gradually, with members’ help, I was able to accept that, like them, nothing that had happened was my fault. They also gave me ways to cope and overcome my trauma – like by getting back to routine, encouraging me to spend time with family and rekindle old friendships – and it really did help.
Little by little, I began to feel like myself again.
It took time but eventually I felt ready to date again and I’m pleased to say I’m now in a new relationship with someone who treats me correctly – even if I do have a strict ban on flowers.
Yes, I’m still hesitant to let anybody know my personal business and vigilant as to who knows my home address, but I don’t feel consumed with fear like I used to.
And while I don’t use the Women’s Aid forum anymore because I don’t feel I need it in the same way, I’m still friends with some women I met there so it’s like we have our own mini support group – and that has been invaluable.
I thought I was alone for so long, and I know there will be other women or men in situations now who feel the same. But I promise, there are plenty of us out here to help and support you.
You can ask for help. You can escape a bad situation. And we will believe you.
As told to Emma Rossiter
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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