I discovered £5,000 in my wife’s secret savings account — do I have a right to be angry?

Ever heard of a ‘f*** off fund’?

These savings pots – secretly built up to provide a cushion if you need to leave a relationship – are surprisingly common, especially among women.

But while it may make financial sense to protect yourself, the idea you’re even thinking about a breakup can be unsettling for a partner — as this week’s Money Problem reader knows all too well.

When 45-year-old Alan, from Gloucester, discovered his wife’s private stash of cash, it rocked the foundation of his seemingly-happy marriage, leading him to wonder whether she’s got one foot out of the door.

Here, personal finance journalist and consumer champion, Sarah Davidson, offers her perspective.

The problem…

I’ve been with my wife for the past 20 years, and (at least in my view) our marriage has always been strong. We have two kids aged 14 and 16, a nice house and a strong support network – plus, I make a decent enough wage to ensure she’s only ever had to work part-time. All our friends say how happy we seem together too, jokingly referring to our family as the Brady Bunch.

We both put all our money into a joint account and my wife handles the bills so I don’t really consider what’s coming in and out. However, a few days ago I needed to find a payment reference and, as I was going through the transaction history, I spotted a series of deposits to another account.

When I spoke to her, she admitted she’s been putting small amounts into a separate account for years without telling me, apparently ‘just in case’ anything happens and she needs spare cash. In total, she’s saved up about £5,000.

I was pretty gutted, as I thought there were no secrets between us. Surely the only reason she’d do this is because she’s preparing to leave or doesn’t think I provide for her and the kids – neither of which feels great. But at the same time, I do understand that she’s always made less than me and deserves to have some financial independence.

Are private rainy day funds a common thing in marriages or is this a major red flag? And do I even have a right to be upset?

Would you be upset if you found out about a secret savings account?Comment Now

The advice…

Dear Alan,

Thank you for sharing this – it’s not a small thing to be open about.

We often think of money as something purely practical – is there enough coming in to cover everything going out? Have we got enough set aside to pay for anything unexpected? What’s in the holiday/car/house fund?

Yet few things in a relationship are as sensitive to deal with. Money is highly emotive for all of us, and never more so than when it comes to giving and receiving it.

From what you’ve shared, it seems that you and your family are reasonably comfortable. It doesn’t sound as though you’ve suffered what many couples do, a constant fraught fight to keep up with bills, rent or the mortgage. As a result, perhaps, you’re not so familiar with money being a factor in how you and your wife feel about each other.

Before I get to whether your wife’s savings are a red flag or if you have a right to be upset, let’s consider a few things.

The first is that you are the main breadwinner and your wife works part-time.

Consider how each of you feels about your jobs: Do you have careers or is work a means to an end? Have you always earned more than her? Did she give up working to look after your children? How does her work and income today match up to her career expectations 20 years ago? Does your job take you away from home regularly? How do you feel about your career and how it affects your sense of worth? How does she feel about hers?

The answers to these questions should give you a sense of how each of you feels about the role that work and earning has in your lives.

For the majority of us, earning the money we have is a source of pride. It gives us a sense of control over our lives because we earned it.

The opposite can also be true. While you see the money in your marriage as being a joint enterprise, your wife might feel less confident about it being an equal split if you’re earning the lion’s share. It doesn’t matter if your marriage is a rock solid 50/50, the earnings imbalance exists in pounds and pence. And that can be scary if you’re not the one in control.

The second is that you say she’s been putting money away for years but you’ve only just noticed.

It sounds like you’re considering the fact you’ve trusted her blindly for all this time, and now you’ve discovered the payments, feel she’s abused that trust.

But you have had the ability to look at your joint account all that time, and could have asked her about it after the first payment went out. She may not have talked to you about it but neither has she hidden it. Not to mention, when you spoke to her, she seems to have been open about it.

The third thing you might consider was what was going on in your relationship when she started saving this money. It could be that she set up a standing order five or 10 years ago and just hasn’t stopped it.

While you’ve discovered this savings pot today, her reasons for starting it are rooted much further back. Perhaps she saw a loved one suddenly needing money after an unexpected breakup and wanted to feel safe herself, even if her feelings about your relationship were unwavering.

Now, you’ve asked me three questions, which I’ll attempt to answer.

Surely the only reason she’d do this is because she’s preparing to leave or doesn’t think I provide for her and the kids?

This reaction is understandable but kneejerk. It doesn’t sound like your marriage is about to end. It sounds like your wife has been quite practical about being prepared for the worst while hoping that never happens.

Are private rainy day funds a common thing in marriages or is this a major red flag?

It’s more common than you might think. AJ Bell did some research a few years ago and found that one in four men has some money stashed away from his wife, while one in five women has cash her husband knows nothing about.

Additionally, private and secret are not necessarily the same thing. What matters for you is why your wife chose to save some money into an account in her own name. Having rainy day savings is always a good idea – whether in your own name or a joint account.

And do I even have a right to be upset?

Having a right to be upset is neither here nor there – you are upset. This isn’t about money, it’s about the perception of trust.

You and your wife need to ask each other with why you feel upset and why she wanted to save into her own account.

I can’t help with that, but I suspect that you’ll come out of this okay. It sounds like you two have an enviably strong relationship and some loving children and family.

What’s upset you is feeling left out; her reasons for saving may have been down to worry that she could be left out in future.

To mend the trust that this £5,000 ‘just in case’ money seems to have shaken, why don’t you decide together what to do next?

You might splash out on a family holiday or romantic break for just the two of you, or decide to build £5,000 savings in an account in your name too.

I’d wager the best thing you could do though, is to show her you trust her to keep it exactly where it is.

Sarah Davidson is an award-winning financial editor and head of research at WPB.

Got a money worry or dilemma? Email sarah.davidson@metro.co.uk