Jem had been with her partner Daz for five years when she bought him tickets to a swingers weekend for Christmas.
The present didn’t go down well at first, with Daz, now 42, telling Metro: ‘It was that reluctance you’d naturally have of “we’ve got a great relationship. Do we want to risk that now?”‘
However, six years on, the Dorset-based pair enjoy ‘play’ meetups and events around once a month. And according to 45-year old Jem, polyamory has ‘saved’ their relationship.
Lily Allen’s explosive new album put open relationships in the spotlight recently, after the singer revealed her experience of becoming a ‘nonmonogamummy’.
In West End Girl – said to be ‘inspired’ by her four-year marriage to actor David Harbour – the 40-year-old recounts the devastating discovery she’s been cheated on, along with the ‘arrangement’ she reluctantly agrees to in an effort to save the relationship.
‘I don’t wanna f*** with anyone else, I know that’s all you wanna do,’ sings Allen. ‘I’m so committed that I’d lose myself ’cause I don’t wanna lose you.’
For Daz and Jem, it was more about reigniting the sexual spark that had dimmed over years of parenting and day-to-day life.
Daz had broached the topic of non-monogamy not long after they got together, with it becoming a shared fantasy for them.
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Now Jem was looking to make it a reality, Daz questioned if it meant something was missing in their relationship. But the more she assured him she still loved him just as much, and merely wanted to see if a new adventure might bring them closer, the more he came round.
After talking over their boundaries (‘sex was absolutely off the table’), they steeled themselves with a vodka and headed in, quickly realising it wasn’t nearly as daunting as they feared. Standard chit-chat became sharing a kiss with another couple in the hot tub, then going back to their room for ‘amazing’ sex that ‘unlocked this new kind of passion’ between them.
Over time, they got more into the lifestyle and officially started identifying as polyamorous, although they limit ‘swaps’ to when they’re both present (where some poly couples date and sleep with other partners separately).
Jem says she sometimes sees couples get into polyamory when their relationship isn’t ‘solid enough’, but when you build on a rocky foundation, it only widens the cracks.
‘Non-monogamy is never going to fix a failing relationship,’ says Daz. ‘Our partnership now is in a much better place than it would have been if we’d never explored it. Our relationship wasn’t broken though – it just wasn’t very exciting, and we thrive off excitement.’
Chartered counselling psychologist, Dr Candice O’Neil, also notes that opening a relationship without doing the necessary groundwork can ’cause deep rupture and conflict.’
‘Open relationships can work with clear boundaries for all parties involved including things like dignity, respect and safety,’ she tells Metro. ‘But they can be extremely risky.’
Dr O’Neil says any couple looking to explore non-monogamy should start by asking why it’s been raised, as well as why now.
It may be related to a lack of connection in the relationship, or to a deeper sense of trust that means you to feel safe to share your desires.
On the other hand though, it could be one person ‘seeking to meet a need that can’t be met within the current partnership’, because they’re attracted to a specific person, or want to control or put their partner down.
Or, like Lily, one partner may only be going along with it because they’re scared of being abandoned if they say no, in which case Dr O’Neill recommends carefully assessing your power dynamic (if possible, with input from a trusted friend).
As Daz explains, ‘Both people have to get something out of a non-monogamous arrangement. Otherwise, it’s one person filling their boots, and one person being made more sad because of it, and you’re going to end up with an imbalance.’
‘That’s when resentment builds,’ adds Jem. ‘And then you’ve got a big problem.’
Don’t assume non-monogamy absolves anyone of cheating either. This lifestyle is big on setting (and sticking to) boundaries – even if what’s classed as infidelity may look a little different to the ‘norm’.
‘If you overstep a hard boundary, that is cheating,’ says Daz. ‘For us, we’ve never had issues with this, because we’ve always been so clear with one another about what our boundaries are, what would be considered breaking them.’
Another common misconception is that being open sexually means never feeling jealous. Like in any relationship, unexpected emotions can crop up, which is why Daz and Jem make sure to prioritise communication both during and after sexual encounters.
Daz continues: ‘There’s absolutely times when jealousy creeps in, and that’s why it’s so important to kind of debrief after any kind of experiences, to give yourself space to be able to kind of come away from a situation and chat.
‘Also, simple things like little phrases that you could say to one another at the time, which indicate “I’m not comfortable” and signal we need to come away and regroup.’
Ground rules to set before opening a relationship
Although specific boundaries will differ from couple to couple, Dr O’Neil says these discussions are a must if you’re considering non-monogamy:
- Level of engagement/intimacy: How far are we willing to engage?
- Physical boundaries: Which activities might cause me emotional and or physical pain?
- Who’s involved: Is it always both of us or will we be with other people separately?
- Communication and interaction with prospective partners: Will the arrangement involve ongoing interactions or single experiences?
- Communication with each other: How will we signal we’re uncomfortable during sexual experiences? How often will we check in with each other outside of sex to see if we’re still happy with the arrangement?
- Sexual health: Are we aligned that condom usage and STIscreening prior to play are a prerequisite?
The pair are so passionate about polyamory that they shared their experiences on Channel 4 show Open House and are now undergoing training to become intimacy coaches with the Somatica Institute.
But they still sometimes struggle with stereotyping and judgement about their lifestyle on social media, from ‘we can’t love each other because of what we do’ to ‘you’re not enough of a man so you have to let your woman sleep with other guys’.
The comments that ‘trigger’ Jem most are those that question their commitment.
‘We have such an amazing relationship and such a deep connection – they have no idea what our relationship’s like and the connection that we have together,’ the influencer says. ‘For me, that’s, that’s probably the worst one, when they’re like “Why are you even together? You should just break up.” I don’t think people can quite get their heads around the concept.’
Thankfully though, the negative responses are the minority, with Daz explaining: ‘It’s people’s own insecurities. People are so scared of the idea, but as we always say, this isn’t for everyone.
‘We’re not trying to claim everyone should be non-monogamous, just to show those who are interested how it works and how to navigate it properly, so you don’t end up in a Lily Allen situation.’
While West End Girl’s narrative of heartache and betrayal is powerful, the couple are keen to stress that it doesn’t reflect the reality within most open relationships – and certainly not theirs.
‘Once we started living a life that was authentic to us, which is non-monogamy, everything else fell into place,’ says Daz. ‘It was like a light bulb.’
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