I hated being a mum the minute my baby was put on my chest

When Tawana Musvaburi was rushed to hospital with dizziness in February 2023, doctors thought she had kidney failure.

However, an ultrasound revealed that she was actually eight months pregnant – and just four weeks later, she gave birth to a daughter, River.

But after her baby was born, the new mum expected to feel a sudden rush of love. Yet, the reality was that she struggled to cope with the transition to motherhood.

‘I had no feeling of love when my baby was born,’ Tawana, 24, admits. ‘The minute she was put on my chest, I hated it,’ she says, adding that she started ‘resenting’ her daughter.

Instead, Tawana fell into the depths of postpartum depression.

Now, two years on, while she loves her daughter deeply, she admits she ‘still hates’ being a mum.

Tawana, a full-time content creator living in Buckingham, was just 21 when she learnt she was pregnant, which she says was a huge shock. ‘I went from a young girl going out to a mum in four weeks,’ she says.

Since she had no idea she was expecting, she she’d been living a ‘partying lifestyle’, a fact that ‘scared’ her.

When she first told her mum, Chipo, 45, about her pregnancy, she was in complete ’disbelief’.

’She wanted me to have the best experience possible – she did a baby shower for me,’ Tawana recalls.

While River arrived safely, it was the beginning of a tough journey for Tawana and her partner, Emmanuel Poku, 30.

‘I had thoughts of harming my child,’ says Tawana. ‘I was afraid to say it out loud – I thought I was crazy,’ she shares, noting that she was overwhelmingly ‘embarrassed’ by what she was experiencing.

‘I was so burnt out and focused all my energy on her.’

During the early days, River would lie in bed crying next to Tawana – and as she’d ‘mentally checked out,’ Tawana says she wouldn’t ‘hear her.’

‘Even when I was holding her, she was crying, and I was just looking at her, staring at her and watching her cry.’

Continuing to spiral, Tawana knew she needed help. She moved back in with her mum and stayed there for four months while she was struggling with her mental health.

’Mum eased me into motherhood. Now River calls my mum “mum” and me “mummy”,’ she adds.

She was also supported by Emmanuel, who Tawana says has a beautiful ’beautiful relationship’ with his daughter.

’If I’m struggling, he’ll fill in for me. If he’s struggling, I’ll fill in for him,’ Tawana says.

Together and with medical help, Tawana has been able to ‘manage life’ a little easier, and says a turning point came when she realised that if she kept putting herself ‘last,’ she would never ‘be the best mum.’

Now, two years after the birth, Tawana still struggles to enjoy being a mum, and hates the fact that she has to stay at home.

‘I still hate it. I can’t be selfish. I can’t go out when I want. I can’t be spontaneous,’ she says. ‘If I want to go with my friends, it has to be planned months in advance.’

Likewise, she feels motherhood makes her ‘vulnerable,’ something which she resents.

‘I think “I’ll never be able to fully protect you.” That feeling is horrible,’ she adds.

But, Tawana adds: ‘I love my child so much. River never asked to be here – it’s not her fault. It’s nobody’s fault.’

She’s also been able to find some balance by making time for herself. River now goes to nursery three times a week, and Tawana uses the time to ‘sit in silence,’ a feeling which is ‘so precious.’

‘It’s for my mental health and to be the best mum possible,’ she says.

And despite her struggles, Tawana stresses that she’s always adored her daughter.

‘She’s a diva. She’s loud, bubbly, and full of personality,’ says Tawana. ‘She’s fabulous.

‘What would my life have been like if this had never happened? I’d never have it any other way.’

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