I thought I was great in bed but I’d forgotten something crucial

‘I wouldn’t mind if you teased me a bit more – maybe with a bit of lingerie?’

My boyfriend had an awkward, almost sheepish look on his face as he uttered this phrase.

Alex isn’t a big talker on the best of days, let alone when it comes to talking about sex – so when he does tell me something like this, I pay attention.

‘I also really love when you play with yourself, so you could do that again too,’ he added.

As I made mental notes, a sexy plan started forming in my head of how I could spice things up in the weeks to come – and it all started with one question: ‘How can I turn you on?’

Alex and I have a great sex life but lately, I’d noticed his sexual energy flagging.

While it’s perfectly normal for libidos to fluctuate, especially with long-term partners, I’ll admit that I was a little taken aback at first – for two reasons.

Firstly, my boyfriend is pretty easy to please, both in and outside the bedroom – he often tells me so himself.

Secondly, I consider myself pretty good in the sack because most of the feedback I’ve received from him and others over the past decade has been very positive.

I didn’t want to admit to myself that maybe my boyfriend’s needs had changed. But because his pleasure matters more than my ego, I put my own feelings aside and asked him the scary question about what turns him on.

The day after our chat, I dressed up in a lacey outfit and strutted around our living room while bending over to pick up random items from the floor.

It made both of us laugh, which actually felt better than having sex. We’d lightened the mood and I’d shown him that I was listening – which, in the end, turned out to be exactly what we needed.

The sex followed a few days later – and it was great.

We could all benefit from embracing this simple question, but many people don’t because they are afraid that the answer is somehow a reflection of their skills.

I get it – part of me felt the same way when I talked to Alex. But feeling embarrassed for a moment is much better than risking the alternative.

Many years ago, I was going through a rough patch with an ex of mine.

We’d always had an incredible sexual connection so when we stopped having sex altogether, I wasn’t just worried – I panicked. Despite usually knowing exactly what he liked, I suddenly felt at a loss.

My sexual confidence vanished.

I was much younger than I am now, and so I didn’t feel comfortable discussing our problems in the sack or asking if perhaps he’d like us – or me – to try something different. I assumed that our bodies would just naturally reconnect and that we didn’t need to talk about it.

That was my biggest mistake. While a natural ‘spark’ is great, it is not a substitute for communication.

Do you know what turns your partner on? Have your say in the comments belowComment Now

Sadly, the lack of sex soon started affecting other areas of our relationship, which ended a few months later.

Other times, I’ve just been a little bit too cocky about my sexual prowess. Like when I told a lover I was going to blow his mind with my oral skills (pun fully intended) – but afterwards found out that he’s not a big fan of this sex act.

It hadn’t even occurred to me to ask him if he liked blowjobs. Not because I didn’t care about what turned him on, but because I just figured he’d enjoy what I was offering as other men had before him.

All of this to say: Even the most experienced lover can benefit from feedback – but how you deliver these words matter.

Another former flame of mine, who was more experienced, gave me some notes during sex and it made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Funnily enough, I can’t actually remember what he said but the sinking feeling in my stomach as I wondered if he was enjoying himself has stuck with me.

The unexpected direction was jarring because it came out of the blue. So if you can, debrief afterwards.

A survey from a few years ago revealed that 40% of people hide their kinks from their partner because they worry that they will leave or be judged. Another more recent statistic, which was specifically aimed at male participants, found that 52% of men admit to having lied about their turn-ons.

These statistics don’t exactly surprise me.

I’ve spoken to many people over the years who are afraid to say what they want in bed with a big chunk of them worrying that they will offend their other half. There’s that ego problem again.

The truth is that all the skill in the world means nothing if you’re not listening to the other person in the room.

But in order to talk about something as delicate as sex and desire, you have to create a safe space where this type of discussion is not only allowed – but encouraged.

Don’t assume that you know what your lover likes. Ask them, instead.

I am thrilled that I spoke to my boyfriend about what turns him on because it gave me a really easy roadmap to his pleasure.

Alex’s special requests don’t mean that he doesn’t like what I usually bring to the table (or rather, the mattress). He just fancies something different right now.

So, take a deep breath and say it with me: ‘How can I turn you on?’ 

*Name has been changed

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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