‘Having a computer in our basement was crack cocaine.’
It was sobering to hear this from one of my sons, now in his twenties, last week.
We’d been talking about online harm, prompted by the Netflix series Adolescence. I had been quietly relieved that none of my five children had laptops in their rooms, unlike Jamie, the show’s protagonist, who goes to some dark places online in the privacy of his private space.
That’s when my son informed me: ‘Just because our computer was on view didn’t make any difference as far as we were concerned.’
It was a shock, and not a very pleasant one.
It’s hard to admit to making mistakes as a mum, especially if, like me, you give advice to other parents, teachers and caregivers about how to raise resilient teens.
However hard we parents try to control our children’s online use, raising adolescents in the age of screens is littered with challenges, and I’ve clearly not got everything right.
Smartphones weren’t such an issue with my older children, born in 1995 and 1997.
However, my younger children, born 1999, and twins five years later, are digital natives.
iPads were becoming popular when the twins were six. They were drawn to the fun games and unlike the TV shows that ended when I turned them off, the challenge was the 24-hour availability.
By 2012, my 12-year-old wanted a smartphone. I said no. I had realised relatively early on that social media could harm adolescents.
One of our boys, then 15, had posted a picture on Facebook. The comments suggested he looked ‘weird’ and he took it to heart. I felt desperate at seeing him so miserable.
On another occasion, our daughter was distraught to learn via social media she hadn’t been invited to an event. Another son was devastated he had been left out of a WhatsApp group. My other daughter felt she didn’t match up to skinny girl ideals on Instagram.
I realised that, as a family, we needed some rules.
It would be impossible to ban phones altogether: They were crucial for the children to stay in touch with friends. I also knew banning phones would make them more desirable.
So my first rule was for all of us: No screens in bedrooms. Phones were to be left downstairs. Then – at least in theory – I could see what they were watching.
Second, we delayed buying the younger two smartphones until they turned 14. Instead, they had Nokia bricks that let them stay in touch without connecting to the internet.
But of course, that was a temporary fix. Soon enough the twins turned 14 and I stayed true to my word.
By this stage, however, we had been having the conversation about online risks for several years.
So rather than limit their credit, ban social media or figure out parental controls (all of which they could get around if they wanted to), I decided to appeal to their good sense, critical faculties and their desire for autonomy – a crucial factor happening to the teenage brain.
The family PC was my blind spot
Therefore, my final rule was phone and iPad free zones – at mealtimes, family time, evenings and bedtimes.
When it came to the family computer, however, I was more relaxed.
I associated it with hard work and homework. My focus was on the dangers of social media on smartphones and I had done well on that. The family PC was my blind spot.
My son also told me that while he and his brothers were using the computers for gaming, one was gaming for several hours a day.
In the end, supported by his siblings, he stopped completely – something I only learnt about years later when we talked openly about his experience.
All my children have since told me they appreciated phone-free time – and wished I had been firmer in enforcing it. I think I was frightened to do so; sometimes I thought I would be more likeable if I let my teenagers do what they wanted.
Looking for more info on raising adolescents?
Rachel Kelly’s book, The Gift of Teenagers: Connect More, Worry Less is available now.
There is no escaping the fact that your teenager needs technology to run their life, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
In my experience, the issue is not ‘who’ as much as ‘what’ teenagers are exposed to. And the way to stop them seeing harmful and violent content is to talk about it.
How did social media make them feel? Answer: Bad.
How many hours a day were they online? How many other things did they miss out on as a result? Sport, meeting up in real life, getting some sleep? My kids agreed they were missing out.
In fact, they were relieved to discuss this stuff. I could make it clear that I was their parent, I loved them, and I didn’t want them to see things online which would upset them.
The more we talked, the more they began to regulate their own social media use.
Does that mean I think limiting screen time is pointless? Absolutely not. The key is to find a balance that works for both parties, together.
Do not take your children’s phone use as a rejection of you personally – just give them all the tools and guidance to make sure they do it safely and securely and let them know that you are doing so because you love them.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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