I was mistaken for my partner’s son – in fact I’m her wife

Having carefully selected a few items of clothing, my wife and I were headed for the changing rooms when an attendant stopped us in our tracks.

‘How old is your son?’ the sales assistant asked my wife abruptly. She was stunned, but I wasn’t.

In my almost 40 years on this planet, I’ve been mistaken as male on more occasions than I care to count. This was just the latest in a long line of deflating, uncomfortable, and beyond embarrassing encounters.

But here’s the thing: I am a woman. My sex and gender have not changed since birth and yet, just because I don’t wear dresses, skirts or makeup, I’m treated differently.

Frankly, I’m tired of it. Women come in all shapes and sizes, so why am I still having to justify that I am also what a woman looks like?

I’ve had negative comments about my appearance for as long as I can remember.

One of my earliest memories was when I was about 14. I was headed to a family party and decided to experiment by wearing a small amount of make-up and styling my-then long hair.

As I left the house in jeans and a top, I felt confident, feminine – like I looked the way a girl was ‘supposed’ to.

But when a teenage boy I walked past shouted ‘Hey lad! Why are you wearing make-up?’ that confidence was immediately shattered.

Suddenly I felt like I wasn’t pretty enough for make-up. That I was kidding myself.

Once I eventually arrived at the party, I felt uncomfortable the entire time. Like everyone must be thinking the same thing. I avoided that road on my way home – and from then on.

It wasn’t just strangers that made these comments though. A few years later, on New Year’s Eve in 1999, I was cornered by a friend of the family who asked me repeatedly whether I was ‘trying to be a boy or a girl?’

For context, I’d chosen to wear a black tailored suit with a blouse and tie to celebrate the millennium. Once again I’d started an evening feeling like I looked smart, comfortable but also feminine, but their words ruined everything.

My whole evening was soured by that singular comment and 17-year-old me started to believe I was never going to be ‘woman’ enough for society’s standards.

I didn’t rebel as such after that, but I also didn’t seek to ‘conform’ anymore. Instead, I made sure to stay true to myself: dressing only in what made me feel good, in clothes that I thought were comfortable and functional.

True, that meant I mostly shopped in the men’s section but that’s mainly because their sizing is consistent (women’s clothing sizes are a dumpster fire by comparison), they get actual pockets, and it generally just suited my own developing personal style.

Over time, my hair has been styled shorter too, as that’s how I prefer it, and I rarely wear even the smallest hint of eyeliner anymore.

However, all these decisions have meant that my experience of womanhood has not been a pleasant one.

Every time I enter a single sex space – be it a changing room or a toilet – I find myself holding my breath because I fear someone will challenge me aggressively.

The incident at the shops recently was just one such occasion. But despite my wife very clearly telling the changing room assistant that I, her wife, was almost 40, he still didn’t apologise.

He simply told her that if I was over 14 (I’m guessing he misheard her), I would need to go to the male changing room. She simply repeated herself more forcefully, handed over our items and we left.

Then there’s the fact that, on more than one occasion, I have been misgendered when accessing a toilet. I’ve even had security sent in to remove me from these facilities, multiple times, and I have had to argue my right to be in those spaces.

And I’d say at least half of the time when my wife and I go to bars and restaurants, I’m asked, ‘What can I get you sir?’ or ‘Have you chosen a cocktail sir?’ Most of these I brush off, but the whole experience is exhausting and offensive.

And if I don’t feel safe or seen even as a cisgender woman, then what hope is there for transgender people too?

We must do away with this perception of what it means to be a woman. I may not look the way some people think a woman should look, but that shouldn’t invalidate my experience or my voice.  

That’s why I was so proud to take part in the LGBT Foundation’s ‘This Is What A Woman Looks Like’ campaign. It’s a billboard promotion of the diversity of womanhood, where a group of us – including my wife and I – had a photoshoot.

In a time when women are often pitted against each other, especially focused on reducing trans women to being viewed as less-than, it was wonderful to come together and celebrate all the ways we can be authentically ourselves.

The public’s response has been mixed, lots of positivity but also some really awful responses including our pictures being run through AI programmes to determine our ‘real’ gender.

I hope that when people see these pictures, it will make them stop and think for a moment.

All women deserve to be able to exist safely in public spaces and I want people to recognise that expecting women to perform femininity to a set standard is harmful to us all.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing James.Besanvalle@metro.co.uk. 

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