We all have dualities, whether that’s a ‘posh voice’ you only use for work calls or a party animal side that only comes out on weekends.
But this reader’s double life is more pronounced, as while most people know her as a ‘normal’ married mum, she’s actually having a steamy affair with a younger man.
Things are starting to become even more tangled too, with her boyfriend pushing her to leave her husband — a move she’s reluctant to make.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to read last week’s Sex Column, from a woman who’s nervous about revealing a same-sex relationship to her parents.
The problem…
I’m a woman of 33, married with a 12-year-old son and currently living two separate lives. On the surface, I’m successful, pretty and happily married with no financial worries. I’m sure a lot of people are envious of my ‘perfect life’.
But there’s another side to me that no one knows about; I have a 22-year-old lover and I absolutely adore him.
We met in March at the gym I use before work – he goes there at the same time and we kept catching one another’s eye. Eventually we got chatting, went for a drink and our relationship developed from there. We regularly go to his flat, where we have wild sex and do things my husband (who’s lovely, but very strait-laced) would never dream of.
My business involves lots of late nights and meetings, and he has so far not suspected the affair. But to complicate things, my boyfriend has now said he loves me and wants me to leave home to be with him. I’m not sure that’s what I want as I have a child to consider, and believe it or not, I do love my husband – just maybe not in a passionate way.
Sex. Love. Modern Mess. Listen to new Metro podcast Just Between Us
X Factor icon Diana Vickers and Metro’s dating expert Alice Giddings dive into your wildest sex, love, and dating dilemmas – every Tuesday.
Listen wherever you get your podcasts or watch on YouTube. And be sure to follow and subscribe so you never miss an episode.
You can also join the fun on our WhatsApp Group Chat here – share your dilemmas and Diana and Alice may just give you a call.
I know what I’m doing is crazy and I’m putting everything at risk, but I want things just to stay as they are. Honestly, I don’t think I could bear to lose my husband or my lover
The advice…
In other words, you want to have your cake and eat it – which might be working now, but I promise you that in the long term, it won’t. Your husband will suspect, your lover will tire of waiting, or something else will happen that will bring this house of cards tumbling down.
You say you don’t want to lose your marriage, but let’s imagine your husband discovers your secret and you end up separated. Are you ready for all that would entail? You risk the love and respect of your son; friends and family would also take sides (probably your husband’s, as you would be seen as the villain) and the comfortable life you know would come to a messy end.
At present, you and your lover see only one another’s best sides, but do you have enough in common to create a life together? You don’t seem willing to leave your husband, so I’m guessing not.
I often advocate staying together where there are children involved, but I do think there is something fundamentally wrong with your marriage. Do you only value it for the comfortable lifestyle it brings? If sex is the issue between you and your husband, it’s surely down to you as much as him.
Assuming you value the family life you have now, you must end this fling and talk to your husband about what’s been going on, and why. This article on how to confess to cheating can offer some useful guidance, but couples counselling or sex therapy may also help you.
If your husband wants to save the marriage too, you must plough all your energies into it. If, on the other hand, he can’t forgive what you’ve done, then email me again.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
