Ever heard of the phrase ‘keep it in the family’…?
This week’s reader knows this saying all too well as she risks losing everything just to be with the man she loves.
You might be thinking: What’s the big problem? As it turns out, the man she loves is… Her uncle.
Now, it’s not what it sounds like — there’s no blood shared between these two. But nevertheless, their affair coming into the light could cause a massive rift in the family.
She’s feeling lost and burdened by this massive secret. What should she do?
Read Laura’s advice below, but before you do, check out last week’s dilemma, from a not-so-innocent friend in need.
The problem…
If I told you my boyfriend was over 20 years older than me, you’d probably tell me that age gap relationships can work. If I said we keep our affair secret, you might advise me that there’s no need to.
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But what if I said this guy is my uncle?
Then you’d no doubt have a freak out and tell me to end things with him immediately. Which is what I’m afraid people will say and why I haven’t breathed a word to anyone, even though we’ve been together for over a year.
However, it’s nowhere near as bad as it sounds. You see, my dad and his brother are only step-siblings and don’t share a parent, so my boyfriend is not in any way blood related to me. The real trouble is that he and my father have grown up together since they were children, and as far as they’re concerned, they are brothers.
I’ve known him all my life and we’ve always been close, but things didn’t become romantic until last year, when I cried on his shoulder about a relationship breakdown. I’m in my mid-twenties, he’s in his forties, and I want to stress that he never behaved in an inappropriate way when I was younger.
We have loads in common and like the same things, and whereas he is young for his age, I’m quite mature, so we meet somewhere in the middle. Although he’s been married before he has no children, so has no ‘baggage’ to speak of.
I don’t think we’re doing anything wrong but I’m afraid of driving a wedge between my parents and me, as well as between my dad and his ‘brother’.
The advice…
You’re wrong, I’m not going to have a freak out – but I can see why your relationship might provoke some strong opinions amongst your family and friends.
There is more than one aspect to this situation which break the norms. The age gap between the two of you is significant, and even without the blood link, you’ve grown up with this man being your uncle, which will make it difficult for many people to deal with.
If you feel certain that you and your boyfriend are in this for the long haul, you’re going to have to make your relationship public sooner or later. Create a united front and come up with a plan about who to tell, when and how. Standing together will help you both get through this, as your partner will have his own problems to deal with.
Personally, I think you should tell your parents first; stay focussed and don’t allow your emotions to send you off course. It might even be a good idea to rehearse beforehand what you’re going to say and how you’ll say it.
They will undoubtedly be shocked, but given time they will hopefully get used to the idea, and your relationship with them will survive. And once you’ve shared the news with your parents, it will become a lot easier to tell other people.
We can’t help who we fall in love with, and your situation is trickier than most. But if you handle this well, and give people time, those who love you will eventually accept your decision.
Is there such thing as an ‘ideal’ age gap?
According to psychotherapist Eloise Skinner, a zero to three-year age gap is the ideal difference in age between you and your partner.
‘You’re more likely to have matched expectations financially in terms of spending, saving and investments, as well as health-wise,’ Eloise notes.
The expert adds that you’re also more likely to be aligned on physical ability, so you’ll be able to do the same weekend activities, childcare responsibilities and even have the same travel goals.
That being said, a small age gap doesn’t necessarily guarantee a happy relationship.
Metro recently reported on Hannah Dickson’s story, a 23-year-old who fell in love with 57-year-old Chris Willingham after realising that she wasn’t attracted to young men.
‘Don’t knock it till you try it,’ Hannah notes. ‘Regardless of how old somebody is, you can have two people [the same] age come together and not be compatible.’
