Virginity may be a social construct, but having sex for the first time can still feel like a huge deal.
Often, people are nervous the reality of ‘losing it’ will be disappointing after building it up in their minds as a life-affirming moment. But for this week’s reader, it’s far more than a case of the butterflies.
Despite the fact she wants to sleep with her boyfriend, her anxiety levels spike whenever they’re physically intimate — and she’s starting to worry it’ll never happen.
Read the advice below, but don’t forget to check out last week’s Sex Column too, from a man who dumped his girlfriend for being too ‘vanilla’ but is now struggling to perform with his adventurous new lover.
The problem…
I’ve been seeing the same guy for nearly six months, so you’d assume that we’d have had sex by now. Unfortunately, that’s not the case, as I am still a virgin and a bit freaked out about the idea of intercourse.
I’m a first-year student and met my boyfriend in the university bar. He’s in the year above me and also took a gap year, so he’s a little older and more experienced than me. From listening to him talk, he’s had a few girlfriends and is sexually quite experienced, whereas I went to an all-girls school and have never had a boyfriend before.
I was also brought up in a religious household where sex before marriage is frowned upon, so he knows I’m still a virgin and says he’s relaxed about it.
My boyfriend has admitted that some girls go for it on the first night, so he thinks it’s quite amusing that I’m still holding out. He says he’s happy to wait until I’m ready, but I wonder whether he’ll give in to temptation if it comes along via another girl.
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I would like to have sex with him at some point, but every time things get a bit passionate between us, I have an attack of nerves and refuse to go any further.
I’m really starting to think there’s something wrong with me.
The advice…
Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with you. Being a virgin isn’t something to be ashamed of, especially if it’s just because you’ve made the decision that you want to lose your virginity to someone special. I’m sure there are lots of other people at your university who are virgins too, and never having had sex doesn’t make you a freak.
However, if you’re feeling conflicted because the decision is based on what you’ve been taught growing up, you would probably benefit from talking it through with a therapist. Time spent on a one-to-one basis with an expert can unravel all the complex emotions you feel about sex. In particular, counselling can help you resolve the separation between what feels good physically, yet feels bad emotionally.
There is clearly more to your relationship than just how you interact in a physical sense, so don’t worry about your boyfriend being tempted elsewhere. It’s very evident that he wants to be with you for many more reasons than sex.
You’ve said you would like to have sex with your boyfriend, so just remember that the act of making love is nothing to be afraid of and there’s a first time for everyone. Meanwhile, there are many kinds of sexual activity to explore, and you don’t have to go the whole way until you’re ready for it.
Sex can be an expression of love, and if your partner is genuinely understanding and kind, he will take pride in making your first time as special as possible. Waiting a while won’t harm your relationship, and a great love life will just add to what you already have together.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
