I’m scared my lesbian relationship will mean I can’t afford a baby

‘I’d only ever imagined my future with a man,’ says 26-year-old Cassidy.

But since realising she was bi two years ago, and then falling in love with a woman, it’s dawned on her that the family she so desperately wants to have may be a bit more out of reach.

‘I’ve realised the future family I’ve always imagined might not be as straightforward as I once thought,’ she says. ‘My reality has changed, procedures like IUI and IVF cost a lot more than conceiving naturally.

‘Funding it is really overwhelming.’

This was the dilemma of this week’s caller on Metro’s Just Between Us podcast, which explores every aspect of sex and relationships.

Cassidy wanted advice on how to navigate this and there was one thing that immediately sprang to mind for me: Access Fertility.

It’s an organisation that offers up to 100% refunds for eligible women below 38, or partial refunds for those aged 38 to 40, who have an unsuccessful round or package of IVF.

Now, this obviously doesn’t make the initial financial burden of IVF any easier to afford, but what it does do is make it easier to continue on your IVF journey if your first rounds of IVF are unsuccessful, because you only pay if you end up with your baby.

If it sounds too good to be true, then you only have to look at the experience of Rosie Comb-Clark and her husband Paul, who at 38, had only a 19% chance of getting pregnant.

They didn’t want to wait a year to get NHS funded treatment so they found Access Fertility, which offered them a 50% refund if their IVF wasn’t successful (due to Rosie’s age).

The different packages offered currently range anywhere from £6,000 to £25,000, and for Rosie and Paul they paid £11,950 for multiple cycles. When they were sadly unsuccessful they were refunded £5,975, which they reinvested into more treatment and ultimately led to them being able to conceive their baby girl, Esther.

The programme has a 90% acceptance rate, and has refunded more than £17 million to date to couples trying to conceive.

It’s something that has brought great comfort to me as a woman with endometriosis. Since conception may not look ‘traditional’ for me either, I’ve long since been concerned by the idea I could be priced out of motherhood.

At the same time, I acknowledge my privilege as a straight white woman, and I know that accessing NHS care may be easier for me than it will for members of the LGBTQIA+ community.

Who carries the baby?

But it wasn’t just the money that Cassidy had to think about. ‘I’ve realised we could both carry the baby, which was strange because I’d always imagined this relationship where I’d be with a man, and I would be the only person who could carry that child,’ she says.

‘I need to know if she’s willing to let me do that if that’s what I want, or if I need to be open to the idea of her doing it… we’re still in the middle of this big conversation.’

While this is something that could only ever be solved with open and honest communication – as well as compromises where needed – we raised the partial solution of reciprocal IVF.

Reciprocal IVF (also known as ‘shared motherhood’ or ‘shared parenthood’) is where eggs are collected from one partner in a same-sex female or other LGBTQIA+ couple and fertilised with donor sperm.

The resulting embryo is then transferred into the other partner’s womb, who carries the baby and gives birth, according to HFEA, the UK’s fertility regulator.

This would allow both Cassidy and her partner to have a biological connection to their baby, if that’s why they both want to carry.

However, if they feel that they want the experience of carrying a child, if they’re financially able, it may be worth considering trying for two children and carrying one each.

Anxieties around conceiving

There are so many experiences that mean the experience of having a family may not look as we thought it would.

Diana speaks about being single in her thirties and questions she has about her future, too.

‘I’m 34 and it’s not old, but I don’t have a partner and I’m very career driven. However, I do want babies,’ she explains. ‘Sometimes I wonder if it’s going to be easy or hard for me?’

We talk all this and more on the latest episode of Just Between Us – and whether you’re looking to hear about options, or just want to know someone is in the same boat as you – it’s worth a listen.

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