There are a few phrases that single people have heard a million times.
First, there’s the perception that because you’re not coupled up, there must be something wrong with you.
Then, there’s the inability to understand how you could be single, followed be a list of your (many) positive attributes.
And one 30-something – who has been single his whole life – recently shared one of the lines he finds toughest to hear.
‘The most difficult thing is when well-meaning friends say: “Don’t worry, it’ll happen for you,”‘ Luke, who goes by @lukedoeslife on TikTok, told his followers.
‘It doesn’t give space for what you’re feeling, which is that it might not, that it genuinely might not.
‘It can feel a bit dismissive because it doesn’t give you space to grieve for the relationship that you haven’t had or the relationship that you won’t have. It’s almost like it’s batting away any negative emotions.’
Luke added that, in the past, he’s reflected concerns that he’ll be ‘lonely’ when he’s older or that his coupled-up friends simply won’t have time for him anymore. And while he recognises that their words come from a good place, that doesn’t mean that it always comes off in the right way.
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He added: ‘They’re your friends, they see your best side, so they might genuinely think “I don’t know why you’re single.”
‘But it doesn’t take into account that there’s so much luck involved, and I think it does get harder as you get older. You’ve got other things going on, and I have less time than I used to.’
In his opinion, the dating pool gets smaller since a lot of people are already coupled up, so it’s not necessarily a level playing field. Things change.
Luke’s feelings were hugely echoed in the comments, as one follower said that, at the age of 35, she’s never been in a relationship.
‘In my head, it’s a bigger chance that I win the lottery than meeting someone I like who likes me back,’ @fiiiiiina penned.
@lifewithtedanddougal added that it’s ‘absolutely luck whether you meet your person or not,’ while @atsalea said that she’s still in Luke’s situation at the age of 42.
‘I’m fully aware that this might be a permanent state. I’m mostly at peace with it but there are those days when I feel overwhelmed by it,’ she wrote.
darinnatodorova said: ‘It’s so daunting because you swing between hope and absolute grief that it won’t happen for you.’
So, where do these feelings come from? And why is it unhelpful for couples to seemingly ‘comfort’ their single pals with this phrase?
‘What we really need is to be listened to’
As counsellor Georgina Sturmer tells Metro, friends and family might mean well when they assure their single peers that there’s someone out there for them, and it usually comes from a place of wanting to ‘rescue’ their feelings. But actually, it can do more harm than good.
She says: ‘These words of reassurance often have the opposite effect – as they end up invalidating the other person’s feelings.
‘The reality is that they may well be feeling a natural sense of anxiety or worry, and telling them to ignore it or dismiss it or suppress it can leave them feeling uncomfortable or misunderstood. What we really need is to be listened to, to have our feelings validated.’
As Georgina adds, learning to live with uncertainty is one of life’s most difficult lessons that, sometimes, we might struggle to master. And in this situation, it’s about navigating the uncertainty of finding ‘the one.’
Uncertainty can be accompanied by feelings of ‘disappointment and frustration,’ as well as grief that life isn’t panning out the way we wanted.
For anyone in this situation, Georgina notes that it’s important to ‘tune into these feelings, to give them space and explore them.’
‘It’s also important to reflect on what our life might look like, and what we can control,’ she adds.
‘Even if we can’t control whether or not we will meet someone, are there other things that we can do that will bring us joy, satisfaction, and a sense of connection?’
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