Sibling rivalry can be intense at the best of times. But when you add in favouritism (or even the belief that one side’s getting preferential treatment) things get really ugly.
Nina, a 41-year-old Metro reader from Glasgow, has long believed her sister is babied by their parents.
While her mum and dad play down their youngest daughter’s financial dependence to avoid conflict, Nina’s worried about what’ll happen when they’re older and need support themselves.
In this week’s Money Problem, personal finance journalist and consumer champion, Sarah Davidson, shares her perspective.
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The problem…
My sister is only nine years younger than me, but she might as well be a child when it comes to money – and our parents enable her helplessness, much to my annoyance.
While I’ve worked since I was 16, moved out by 18 and have never taken a handout from my mum and dad (not that they’ve ever offered) she’s still living at home and can’t seem to hold on to a job for more than a few months at a time.
She doesn’t pay a penny in rent and my dad covers all her bills and spending, which I know for a fact he can’t really afford. I could probably accept this if she at least helped them out in other ways but she barely lifts a finger, as if it’s her right to be bankrolled and waited on around the house.
Whenever I mention how spoilt she is, my mum and dad tell me not to be spiteful. But why is she allowed to sponge off them while I’ve had to graft? Are they really going to spend their retirement funding her mistakes? And what happens when they can’t take care of her anymore – will I be expected to take her in? It’s all so unfair.
The advice…
Dear Nina,
The fate of the elder sister – you’re the first to grow up, push your parents’ boundaries, get into trouble and to take responsibility for yourself.
To eldest siblings everywhere (and I count myself among you) it can sometimes seem like a tough deal. If I totted up how much money I spent at 25 buying loo roll for my brother, then 22 and living with me in London for ‘just a few weeks’ (two years), well…
But spare a thought for younger siblings too – they’re constantly being compared to you. Either they don’t do as well or they feel under pressure to outperform you. They’re not only being bossed around by your parents, but also by you. Their big achievements aren’t a first for your family – you and any other siblings you share have probably already got that T-shirt.
And middle children? Let’s not even go there. At least the youngest is the baby of the family and, like your own sister it would seem, is indulged where the rest of you were perhaps expected to stand on your own two feet rather sooner.
As you correctly identify, it’s all so unfair. But then, you don’t need me to tell you life isn’t fair.
Most brothers and sisters want their parents to treat them the same. However, rather than focusing on feeling hard done by, maybe look at it another way. I’d argue that parents are inherently programmed to nurture their children according to their needs – and different children have different needs.
You’re feeling put out because you perceive your sister as being given exactly what she wants. Your parents might see it differently. Consider this: is being at home for now actually be what she needs? It sounds like you are a self-starter and she isn’t. Why is that? Does she need a little bit more support?
Now, it may be that your sister is taking advantage of your parents here. She wouldn’t be the first. But forget her for a moment. What is it you’re really annoyed about in this situation?
‘Are my parents really going to spend their retirement funding her mistakes,’ you ask. ‘Why is she allowed to sponge off them while I’ve had to graft? And what happens when they can’t take care of her anymore – will I be expected to take her in?’
This isn’t about your sister. It’s about you. What you really mean is, why are they spending your inheritance on her?
All of this comes down to choices, Nina. Ultimately, this isn’t your decision to make. It’s your parents’ money and they’re entitled to spend it on whatever they like. Obviously, right now they want to spend it on your sister.
Whatever the reason and whether it’s fair or not, it’s their choice and you should probably respect it. If you don’t, it will inevitably harm your relationship with them and, even, with your sister.
Instead of fretting, consider why you care about this situation so much. Do you need some help with money? Are you feeling neglected by your parents? Or your own relationships at home? Are you equating money with love?
Try talking to them about how you feel. Do it with grace and lay out your reasons for being uncomfortable with the situation. And before you start, have in mind what outcome you want from this.
Nobody likes a spoilt brat, but nobody likes a moaner either.
Sarah Davidson is an award-winning financial editor and head of research at WPB.
Got a money worry or dilemma? Email sarah.davidson@metro.co.uk
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