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As Vix Proctor watched her childhood friend get married, she began to sob.
Only, these weren’t happy tears. As the bride walked up the aisle, flanked by her bridal party, Vix was watching on from her seat, just an ordinary guest.
‘It tore my heart apart that I wasn’t up there with her,’ Vix, 44, tells Metro. ‘I had spent years thinking we were close, but she hadn’t asked me to be her bridesmaid.’
We’ve all heard that (annoying) phrase, ‘always the bridesmaid, never the bride,’ but the scenario of ‘always the guest, never the bridesmaid’ can be particularly hard to take.
Weddings are rife with politics, from seating plans to the guest list. But psychologist, Emma Kenny, says selecting people for different roles on the big day — from best man to maid of honour — forces us to place our loved ones into a hierarchy.
Emma tells Metro: ‘Weddings are inherently symbolic, and being left out of the bridal party can feel like being publicly ranked, like a declaration in reverse, stating “you’re not quite good enough”.
‘The public aspect of a wedding can intensify that hurt, and if you’ve been through break-ups, grief, careers highs and lows with someone, it can feel bewildering what that isn’t reflected in the bridal party.’
Vix and Jessie* had been close since primary school. ‘We’d discussed our weddings since we were little girls, and always said we’d be each others bridesmaids,’ Vix explains.
‘Then, when her sister got married a few years earlier, we sort of sealed the deal. She said it would “totally” be me.’
But when Jessie* got engaged, Vix, who is the co-host of podcast We’ve Got This… Maybe, says she was ‘waiting for an ask’, that never came.
‘It was probably at her hen do when I realised it definitely wasn’t going to happen,’ says Vix.
‘The worst part of it was that, as her other friends got a bit tipsy and more loose lipped, they were asking me why I hadn’t been chosen — even her sister questioned it.
‘I didn’t have any answers. The other three bridesmaids were either family, or people she’d also known for a long time — but I felt for sure I’d be part of the group.’
When the wedding day finally arrived, Vix was ‘extremely emotional.’
‘I was sat mid-row, as I didn’t want to draw too much attention to myself. But it really broke my heart. I was a muted throughout the day. I can usually be relied on to get the party going, but I didn’t hit the dancefloor.’
The pain was so intense, that it took Vix ‘a couple of years’ to work through in therapy.
‘I really had to grieve the friendship I thought we had,’ she explains.
While Vix and Jessie are still friends, things are different now: ‘I withdrew. I’ve never brought the situation up with her because I wanted to respect her decision. But it’s not the same as it used to be. We keep up on Facebook. I’m just not as invested as I was before.’
Sadly, it’s not the only time this has happened to Vix. On three more occasions, she had hoped to a bridesmaid, but wasn’t asked.
While she’s never approached any of the brides for answers, she says it’s taught her that she goes into friendships whole-heartedly, with her heart on her sleeve — and that’s okay.
‘My therapist explained that I had two choices: I could continue to be my authentic self, and risk pain and loss, but stay true to who I am, or I could compromise myself. I wasn’t willing to do that.
‘I’ve learnt a valuable lesson about being the real me, no matter what.’
Vix says the experience has left her ‘hesitant’ in new friendships, and adds that she’s learnt ‘you never truly know the value that a friend places on you.’ However, she adds it’s made space for other people in her life, including her close friend Erin, who she started her podcast with, where they have ‘real’ conversations that they hope will help their listeners.
And, as a result of Vix’s own upset, when she gets married this year, she’s decided to have just one bridesmaid, her sister.
‘I didn’t want anyone else to feel how I felt,’ she explains. ‘I have so many people who I want to celebrate with me, and I don’t want to rank them and pick VIPs.’
The situation has even influenced how she’s parenting her five-year-old daughter. ‘Her dad and I try to avoid using the term “best friend”.’ explains Vix. ‘Instead, we talk about the people that make her happy.’
While Vix found not being chosen as a bridesmaid particularly difficult, not everyone feels this way,
Claudia Sokolova, 28, who runs The Big Day Events, has also experienced not being included in a bridal party, but says it would be ‘unfair’ to get upset.
‘My friend Samantha and I had been close for about eight years when she got engaged,’ Claudia tells Metro.
‘She was going back and forth between having a big wedding or something more intimate. I was waiting in the wings, silently hoping I’d be included, but when she opted for a smaller day, she only had two bridesmaids, and I wasn’t one of them.’
Claudia says that, while she was disappointed, she quickly got over it. ‘It’s not my place to put my wants and desires onto someone else and their wedding,’ she adds.
And when Claudia got married she picked Samantha as a bridesmaid regardless saying: ‘I’ve never understood the notion that it has to be transactional.’
Not selecting a certain someone as bridesmaid did cause drama, though.
‘It was the ex-girlfriend of my ex-boyfriend,’ Claudia explains. ‘She simply thought we were closer than we were.’
Claudia decided to be direct and call her. ‘I told her that it was unfair that she assumed she’d be a bridesmaid, and that the wedding has nothing to do with her.
‘It might sound harsh, but I’m a blunt person. If not being bridesmaid for someone is going to make you unhappy to such an extent, you need to look in a mirror.
‘I’ve never been a bridesmaid to anyone, ever, and I’m not fussed,’ she adds.
How to navigate the awkward bridesmaid conversation
If you’re currently thinking about who to have your bridesmaids — or waiting to be asked — therapist Emma Kenny has some words of advice.
‘If you’re the bride, be honest, but kind,’ says Emma. ‘You don’t owe people an apology, but an honest conversation can go a long way.
‘Make it clear that it was a difficult decision and that it is no reflection of their meaning in your life. Make it clear that it came down to issues such as budget, or family ties, and reinforce just how important they are in your life.
‘Avoid over-explaining or justifying by comparison. It can make someone feel like they’re being measured and found lacking.’
And if you’re the friend who wasn’t asked? ‘Allow yourself to feel disappointed, hurt, even rejected, but try not to make it about blame,’ says Emma.
‘If you need closure, approach the conversation with vulnerability, not accusation. Tell her that you understand difficult decisions need to be made, but that you feel hurt.
‘Make it clear you will get over it, and that above anything you respect her choice and want her to have a wonderful day, but that you also don’t want to allow you feelings to fester, so you want to be open.’
Emma adds that while not being asked can feel like a ‘verdict’ on your friendship, ‘most often, it’s a reflection of multiple pressures the bride is juggling, such as family expectations, budget, numbers, geography — not your worth as a person.’
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