There comes a point in every relationship where you reach a crossroads – you can either stay as you are, take the next step, or decide to go your separate ways.
According to research by Thortful, this point is likely around the two-and-a-half year mark, as the average wait for a marriage proposal is two years and seven months.
If you’ve been waiting longer than that for your partner to pop the question, you might find yourself pushing them towards making the big commitment.
But if both people don’t truly desire this, it could be that instead of a meaningful, romantic proposal, you actually end up getting a ‘shut up ring’.
This, as relationship psychotherapist Debbie Keenan explains, is an ‘illusion’ of commitment given ‘to shut someone up’.
‘The shut up ring is usually given to buy time and stop conflict,’ she tells Metro. ‘It is not usually given out of genuine desire, but out of pressure and emotional avoidance.’
A woman on Reddit has recently become concerned that this kind of proposal is something she could be heading for with her partner of almost two years, after he expressed that he ‘doesn’t really believe in getting married’.
She made it clear that she wants to be married in the future and he’s since said he would do it to make her happy, but this answer has left her worried she’d be forcing him into something he doesn’t really want.
So how do you work out whether or not your engagement ring is really a shut up ring? According to Debbie there are four things to look out for…
The warning signs you’ve been given a shut up ring:
- Your partner popped the question after you verbalised that you needed a sign of a commitment, usually after a big argument or some kind of conflict.
- There’s no joy or happiness around the proposal and your partner won’t share the news with their family or friends.
- Your partner becomes avoidant when the engagement or wedding is mentioned and has no inclination to discuss marriage plans or the future.
What to do if you’ve been given a shut up ring
Navigating a situation like this can be difficult, but Debbie, a senior British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) accredited psychotherapist, says it’s crucial that you ‘trust your gut instinct’.
If a proposal or engagement doesn’t feel right, ask yourself whether it’s about the relationship or the symbolism. Are you finding yourself second-guessing whether your partner really wanted to give the ring, or if they felt coerced into giving it? If so, she warns that resentment could take root.
Debbie admits she views as shut up ring as a ‘major red flag’ in a relationship.
‘If I heard this in the therapy room, I would be questioning whether this couple were fully invested in the commitment and desire for this relationship,’ she explains.
‘I would also be exploring what validation this ring is providing, as well as the person who received the ring’s self-worth and self-concept.’
She adds that those who do find themselves in this situation aren’t on the best footing to be walking down the aisle.
‘A relationship like this is built on fragile foundations. This is the opposite of a healthy relationship, where both parties would be willing to enter into commitment freely.’
How to talk to your partner about taking the next step in your relationship…
If you’re ready for a ring, it’s likely you might be dropping hints to your partner about proposing.
But according to Hayley Quinn, dating expert for Match, it’s usually ‘a fool’s errand’ to try and get your partner to do something that they don’t already want to do – especially something huge like a proposal.
She told Metro: ‘First of all, people need to come to their own conclusions about what they want. Secondly, if you feel you’re pushing for an outcome, and your partner isn’t meeting you halfway, it can send a negative message to your self-esteem.
‘Depending on what stage of your relationship you’re at, this could range from expressing marriage as a preference – for example, “of course with the right person I’d love to get married one day” – or it could be having a more explicit conversation around your expectations – “it’s important to me to feel, even if we’re on slightly different timelines, that we’re ultimately heading in the same direction.”
‘This level of open communication is the key to a successful relationship. In fact, research from Match reveals that honesty tops the list of the things singles find sexiest, with 64% of Brits revealing that an honest partner is what matters most to them.’
Having an open conversation is the best way forward, as it will give you more information than just the words that are said.
Hayley explains you’ll be able to see if the topic of marriage is something your partner is willing to talk about and whether they share the same goals for your relationship.
Alternatively, they might be dodging the topic and you’ll realise you’re not on the same page at all.
The expert adds: ‘From the feedback you receive, you can also think about how that fits in with your life plans. If your partner isn’t quite “there” yet, then this may be a signal to you to shift your focus back to your own life and goals.
‘Can you create more independence for yourself? Or is there a pragmatic reason (like money) why your partner is holding back?’
This article was first published on July 29, 2025.
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