When you’re horny and live alone, you might enjoy whipping out that vibrator and showing yourself a good time.
But when you move in with your partner, that ‘self-love’ can sometimes take a backseat.
While it might seem like the logical effect of living with your lover, it’s important not to let masturbation, widely regarded as an act of self-care, fall off your radar.
‘The sex life we have with ourselves is independent from our partners and needs to be nurtured,’ psychosexual therapist Gigi Engle tells Metro. ‘It belongs inside relationships as much as it does when you’re single.’
Gigi says we need to banish the idea that a partner should meet all of our sexual needs.
‘We feel self conscious about masturbating when we live with someone because we have so much shame around solo sex — it’s viewed as this dirty, shameful thing — so there’s fears of getting caught and being judged, a fear you’ll make your partner feel inadequate,’ Gigi adds.
But sacrificing your masturbation time because of your newfound proximity to your partner would be to do yourself a disservice.
‘Really, we need to embrace sexual relationships with ourselves,’ the Gigi says. ‘Sex with our partners isn’t the only “real” type of sex.’
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It’s completely up to you whether you want your partner to know when you’re masturbating — and it might be worth discussing this with them, so you can both decide what your boundaries are.
Need to grab five minutes alone?
Sex and relationship expert, Annabelle Knight, acknowledges that not everyone will feel comfortable letting their partner know what they’re about to have a w*nk.
So, slotting in a steamy session where one might naturally be alone anyway, is a good idea.
Annabelle’s top tip? Do it in the bath or shower. ‘No one questions a long soak,’ Annabelle adds.
‘You can keep a waterproof sex toy in the cabinet and then take it in with you, and water based lube is also helpful,’ Gigi for sextoys.co.uk also adds.
Annabelle also suggests incorporating it into your ‘getting ready’ time.’Hair and makeup can take an extra 10 minutes behind a closed door,’ she says.
And finally, you don’t have to be joined at the hip just because you share a space.
‘Staying back while your partner pops to the shop is a golden window to masturbate,’ Annabelle explains.
What if they walk in on you?
Gigi says that you ‘don’t owe your partner transparency’ when it comes to your alone time, but if they do make a surprise appearance during your solo session, it might be a little awkward.
According to Annabelle Knight, if your partner walks in on you there’s likely to be one of three reactions.
One, they’re totally fine with it: no explanation needed. Two, they might try and join in on the fun. Or three, they might feel a little disappointed that they’ve been left out.
Options two and three can be tricky to navigate, but Annabelle says: ‘Masturbation isn’t about replacing or rejecting, but rather it’s about topping up your own pleasure reserves.
‘The more comfortable you feel taking time for yourself, the more relaxed and connected you’ll feel in your relationship too.’
Therefore Annabelle advises to simply explain this to your partner.
‘It helps to be open about this and frame masturbation as self-care rather than a rejection,’ she adds.
‘A simple, “Sometimes I like to take a bit of time for myself— it’s nothing to do with us, it just helps me unwind,” is honest and reassuring.’
More on masturbation…
- Expert tips for men to take their masturbation sessions to the next level
- Broadening is the common masturbation technique that women are keeping a secret
- This is how many times women masturbate each year, compared to men
- Want to know what eases my chronic pain? Masturbation
- A fifth of women still believe masturbation is wrong, because stigma’s really done us dirty
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