I will always remember the very first time my ex hit me.
A woman rang his phone while he was out of the room and when I mentioned it, he punched me. I froze. I’d never been hit by a man before.
He apologised, telling me he’d never done that before. He was gaslighting me.
We met when I was a teenager. I was bullied at school and he seemed normal, despite being almost a decade older than me. I didn’t know that he’d previously been in jail or that he used drugs.
I’d never been around them before so when he gave me some white powder, I had no idea it was heroin. That’s what he used to control me.
He’d give me the tiniest amount so I would get ill, then another tiny bit to get me well and the cycle would repeat. It was really disturbing.
My family cared about me but they had no idea as to the extent of what was happening: the violence, the beatings and attacks. He hit my head off walls, broke my bones, dragged me through the house.
I wasn’t allowed to wear make-up, or look at anybody, or I’d be beaten for days on end.
The abuse went on for over 13 years, during which we had two children together, both of whom were taken into care. In all that time, nobody helped. A social worker called once when I was younger but he took the phone from me, told them to ‘f**k off’, and that was that.
The police came out on a few occasions but my ex somehow managed to shift the blame onto me. I spent a week in hospital after a dog bit me but nobody noticed my injuries.
This Is Not Right
On November 25, 2024 Metro launched This Is Not Right, a campaign to address the relentless epidemic of violence against women.
With the help of our partners at Women’s Aid, This Is Not Right aims to shine a light on the sheer scale of this national emergency.
You can find more articles here, and if you want to share your story with us, you can send us an email at vaw@metro.co.uk.
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In 2020, he attacked me over the course of several days: I was raped, punched, strangled, stabbed, hit and kicked in my crotch.
I only managed to escape when someone he knew turned up at the house. My ex drove the three of us to a local petrol station; as soon as he left the car, I ran into the shop screaming for help.
He came in after me claiming I was ‘off my meds’ and tried to carry me out over his shoulder despite my pleas.
Everyone there could see that I had been assaulted and was very scared. Someone called the police and my ex was arrested as he tried to flee.
The police took me to a rape clinic straight away and I was interviewed. He denied the charges right up until the trial though he was eventually convicted of kidnap, attempted murder and rape, with the rape charge dropped when he took a plea deal admitting to the other charges.
Learn more about rape in the UK
- According to Rape Crisis, 6.5million women in England and Wales have been raped or sexually assaulted, but 5 in 6 women don’t report rape
- The number of sexual offences in England and Wales reached a record high of 193,566 in in the year ending March 2022
- UCL research found that rape offences have the highest not guilty plea rate of any offence (85%) and this has been the case consistently for 15 years
- ONS data reveals almost half of all rapes are perpetrated by a woman’s partner or ex-partner, and End Violence Against Women have said that the victim knows the perpetrator in 85% of cases
- The ONS also found that more than 1 in 5 victims were unconscious or asleep when they were raped
I was told how rape victims are treated in court trials but I wanted the truth out there, so in my victim statement I told the judge the full extent of the countless years of abuse I’d been put through.
The judge made it clear that my ex was a danger to women and the public, and that he was giving the maximum sentence he could.
If my ex had been correctly charged and the rape not dropped he would still be in prison now, but sadly we have a very flawed justice system.
After nearly six years in prison, in March this year, I received a phone call to tell me my ex was going to be released that afternoon. You only get told on the day, which doesn’t give victims of DV enough time to prepare.
My current partner and I have three children together and we’ve lived in five different places in as many years, with another move on the cards to get further away from the place we once called home.
I wish people knew the effect that domestic abuse has. It’s not just the violence, it’s the mental torture: We don’t live a normal life.
My partner checks his mirrors when he’s in the car to make sure he’s not being followed; we can’t tell our friends where we are for our own safety and we don’t feel safe walking the streets. It’s terrible that after everything survivors go through, they are sentenced to a lifetime of anxiety.
I feel like I have been failed by so many people, and there’s so little help out there for victims of domestic abuse.
The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme – also known as Clare’s Law, after Clare Wood, who was murdered by her ex in 2009 – gives you the right to ask police for information about a current or ex partner.
It’s positive but useless if you’re already trapped in an abusive relationship. By then it’s too late.
There has to be systemic change, more recognition of the danger of domestic abuse and better support for survivors.
There also needs to be tougher sentencing for perpetrators – my ex was charged with attempted murder but I believe what he did to me went way beyond that, so there’s a need for clearer guidelines for the police and the CPS about what crime has been committed.
There needs to be fundamental changes to social services, too. Women feel too scared to approach them for fear of having their children taken but they could be the ones that step in and give women the help to try and get away.
Learn more about domestic abuse in the UK
- One in 4 women will experience domestic abuse at some point in their lives
- ONS research revealed that, in 2023, the police recorded a domestic abuse offence approximately every 40 seconds
- Yet Crime Survey for England & Wales data for the year ending March 2023 found only 18.9% of women who experienced partner abuse in the last 12 months reported the abuse to the police
- According to Refuge, 84% of victims in domestic abuse cases are female, with 93% of defendants being male
- Safe Lives reports that disabled women are twice as likely to experience domestic abuse as non-disabled women, and typically experience domestic abuse for a longer period of time before accessing support
- Refuge has also found that, on average, it takes seven attempts before a woman is able to leave for good.
If I’d been offered the chance, years ago, to get out with my two older kids, I would have taken it.
I would tell any woman in an abusive relationship: Start making a plan to get out. Women are most at risk when they are leaving an abusive relationship and it’s even harder when you don’t have family support.
I’ve lost over half of my life to being abused in every kind of way.
Women are dying every week: they are being murdered, and taking their own lives as a result of domestic abuse, too. Children are still going into care.
I’m terrified now that my ex is out of prison.
The judge granted a rare lifetime restraining order and he is not allowed on certain streets where our extended families live but the only time I will truly feel safe is when he is six feet under.
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