Not all couples like to share their relationships on social media, with some opting for privacy rather than hard-launches and anniversary reels.
But this week’s reader feels like his girlfriend is keeping him a secret. It’s been nearly a year since they met, and he’s head over heels. But the woman of his dreams won’t fully let him into her life.
While he fantasises about spending the rest of their lives together, she’s keeping things on the down low, because she doesn’t want her ex-husband or two children to know about them.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to read last week’s Sex Column about a woman who’s found herself pregnant from a one-night stand, and her partner has no idea.
The problem:
My girlfriend and I are compatible in just about every way. We make each other laugh, have the same outlook on life, like the same things and best of all, we have amazing sex. She happens to be beautiful too. I’ve had lots of relationships that haven’t worked out for one reason or another, but with this woman, I feel different. I want to marry her, have children and grow old together, she’s that special to me.
All that sounds great, right? Well, it isn’t quite, and here’s the problem. The amazing sex is only on alternate weekends, when her eight-year-old twins are with their dad and I can stay at her place. Other than that, I‘m still her little secret.
We met online and I live a long way from her so meeting up round my way is rarely an option. If I want to see her during the week, we have to book a hotel near her place and she organises a babysitter, but she always has to get back by midnight. We have great sex but I end up staying on my own the rest of the night. It’s too expensive to do very often and to be honest, I never sleep well as I’m so annoyed.
She says she doesn’t want her ex, or the children, to know about me ‘yet’. I’ve been seeing her for nearly a year, and am wondering when this ‘yet’ period is going to end.
She promises me that she loves me and has no intention of getting back together with her ex-husband. I’ve confided in a couple of friends who think I’m mad to put up with this, but I really want things to work out.
Are they right? Am I mad?
The advice:
No, I don’t think you’re mad, but you are being a bit too tolerant, especially after a year together. If you really see this woman as a keeper, then this problem has to be sorted out.
Your partner is letting herself be controlled by worries about how her ex and the children will react, and obviously that’s unhealthy for your relationship. But are you sure she feels as strongly as you? She has other considerations in the form of the twins, so it’s quite likely that her priorities are different to yours.
You need to know exactly where you stand, as this situation can’t go on indefinitely. Yes, you must be sensitive to the children’s feelings but emphasise that you’re not trying to replace their father – you just want a more conventional relationship, which involves seeing her more regularly and not being hidden away. It’s not good for children to be deceived by a parent, and as for her ex – it’s time for him to accept that she has moved on.
You really need an honest talk with your girlfriend, to explain how you feel. Encourage her to talk over her worries via the Family Lives helpline on 0808 800 2222. She can also check out their website at www.familylives.org.uk, which is full of useful information.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
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