My lover praised my oral skills – but I wasn’t happy

As I watched Dennis* trying to catch his breath, a smile spread across my face.

He had enjoyed the blowjob I had just given him, that much was obvious.

It was our first time having sex and we had just ended an hour-long penetrative session with a little bit of oral.

‘That was a real treat, most women I’ve slept with aren’t usually that keen to give head,’ Dennis chuckled.

I stayed silent as I contemplated what my lover had just said.

Most women that I know aren’t opposed to oral sex – far from it. In fact, they often receive far less head than they give.

It’s not about being ‘keen’. It’s about communication. 

But what bothered me more was how Dennis talked about oral sex as if it was some sort of rare reward I had bestowed upon him.

I wasn’t offended by his words – he was clearly trying to compliment me – but his delivery was clumsy.

This old experience came to my mind earlier this month, when I received some truly excellent head from my current boyfriend.

Alex and I have been together for two years, so he knows that I rarely orgasm from penetrative sex and like to use my – or his – hands to finish the job.

But recently, he has also started giving me head during our sessions. 

He’ll randomly throw this into the mix at any given point, which is partly why I like it so much – there’s no big fuss.

And that, for me, is the key.

I have never really understood why some sex acts are considered a special occasion, whether that be Valentine’s Day anal or a Birthday Blowjob. So here’s my controversial opinion: Oral sex is just sex.

And treating it as anything else could actually have a detrimental impact on your sex life.

A few years back, I was chatting to a male friend of mine who shared that his partner only gives him head on special occasions. 

Similarly, I have another friend who desperately wants more oral sex from her other half but doesn’t know how to raise it – because it’s a huge deal in their relationship. It’s not an everyday occurrence, which pushes it further out of reach.

I do understand how giving head can become exceptionally significant. Funnily enough, I actively made a point of telling men I wasn’t into oral when I was younger.

‘I’d rather have sex, it feels better,’ I told them.

This wasn’t necessarily a lie – I do prefer penetrative sex to oral on most days, even now – but looking back, I also didn’t enjoy the pressure that came along with it.

Many of my lovers wanted a pat on the back afterwards, whether they were talented or not.

It was as if they expected me to be grateful, again like it was a treat.

One former funbuddy, Jonny, was so blown away by my oral sex gusto that he told me he ‘preferred’ me giving him head to having sex – which was apparently high praise (though I didn’t take it that way).

He would go out of his way to not-so-subtly hint that he was keen for more head every time we met up.

The expectation got so tiresome that I eventually stopped having sex with him altogether.

I never raised it with him. We had a very casual relationship, so I didn’t really feel the need or obligation – though I did roll my eyes on more than one occasion.

But that’s the thing with any so-called special event. If you build it up too much, it can turn into a loaded situation, like a big birthday or a New Year’s Eve party.

By contrast, one of my favourite-ever experiences of getting head was actually during a one-night-stand.

Vince was younger than me, so I hadn’t expected the sex to be as good as it was, nor had I thought I’d receive oral.

He took me by surprise.

Do you like receiving and giving? Have your say in the comments belowComment Now

We had just finished having penetrative sex, when I bent over to pick up something from the floor – and he promptly told me to ‘stay where you are’ before proceeding to give me oral.

Afterwards, we briefly discussed what he had done and I made a point to say it was nice.

‘It’s not a big deal,’ he replied.

It was refreshing to hear from a man, and he was absolutely right.

Even if I didn’t fully get it back then, I do now. Getting or receiving head is not an indulgence or the Holy Grail.

We’d all be better off if we stopped treating oral as a big name special guest appearance on the show that is our sex life.

It’s just a beloved series regular.

*Names have been changed

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Share your views in the comments below.

Do you like receiving and giving? Have your say in the comments below