My son died by suicide – I’m trying to save others

When I got the phone call first telling me of my son Adam’s death in October 2020, the news hit me in the pit of my stomach and floored me – physically and emotionally. It was a feeling of horror beyond imagination. 

Though I knew Adam had difficulties, nothing had ever pointed to him wanting to take his life. 

At  21, he was someone who was always on the move, full of get-up-and-go – he wanted to do the next thing, to get somewhere. 

So this call, this news, came completely out of the blue. 

Over time, I have had to accept that I will never truly know why Adam took his life – he left no indication – and I’ve never really explored it because it’s not a great place for me to go. 

The only thing I’ve always been sure of is that I wanted to find some kind of positive from losing him. 

At first, I didn’t know what that was. When Adam died, I was running a trade association for global assurance bodies (bodies that check organisations conforming to standards) and heard that the British Standards Institution (BSI) was working on how employers could best help those going through menopause and menstruation. It struck me how important it was to see the BSI developing a standard in what many might consider a ‘taboo’ topic. 

On the third anniversary of Adam’s death, I had an epiphany: I could help develop a business standard that addressed the risk of suicide in the workplace.  

I could apply the same approach BSI was taking towards menopause and adapt it to respond to the risk of suicide; I could help equip organisations with practical recommendations to plan for and support people affected by suicide and those with suicidal thoughts.  

British Standards apply to all organisations, regardless of size and type, inclusive of public sector workplaces; the charity and voluntary sector and business and commercial sites. Put simply, they are guidelines that exist to ensure consistency, quality and safety across everything from the products we use to the ways different businesses operate, from how a horseriding helmet is made to how an IT system protects data. 

You may not realise it, but they impact almost every one of us daily, from that manhole cover you walk over on your way to work to the size of your credit card. 

I have worked to put these standards into place for much of my career; I just never thought one would become so personal to me. 

Most organisations are beholden to business standards but few have considered the issue of suicide as something that involved them, or which they could help prevent, when in fact work is so entrenched in our lives, and working practices can contribute to someone’s thoughts relative to suicide. Job security, deadlines, bad management, working hours or travel can all impact a person’s sense of hope and resilience, as well as more personal issues like workplace relationships and lack of autonomy.  

I didn’t know it when Adam died, but according to the ONS there are over 6,000 deaths by suicide every year in England and Wales, and each affects something like 135 people including parents, children, husbands and wives, as well as those who worked with the person who took their own life. 

We spend so much of our lives at work, so arguably our colleagues are well-placed to notice if someone is deteriorating or there’s something going on. However, it’s often easier, or less uncomfortable, to do nothing. Discussing suicide is still a taboo. 

I firmly believe that signposting at work towards support for anyone having thoughts of suicide – or are concerned about someone else – has the potential to be transformative.  

Not every workplace will be touched by suicide, but many will and I don’t want anyone else to feel like Adam did. My motivation for instigating the standard was to get as many organisations as possible to put different solutions in place. It lays out practical, evidence-based recommendations to help plan for, respond to and support those with thoughts of suicide or people affected.  

If businesses have no issue offering flu jabs, encouraging us to go for routine screenings, or even discussing topics such as mental health, then a standard for suicide awareness can equally help so many people. 

In practice, this will look different in every organisation, but could involve the creation of individual safety plans tailored to those at risk; a dedicated person for people with concerns about a colleague to speak to, or toolkits for human resources and line managers.

It could also include raising awareness, reducing taboos and providing training for managers. 

The standard is free to download and can be accessed and implemented now. I’ve already seen a number of businesses commit to doing so. People just need to read it and then apply the guidance to the way their organization works.  

We can’t avoid every situation, and we can’t solve every problem around suicide, but we can at least try. 

We can make sure there are things in place that help people, whatever their issues are, whatever the reasons they might be thinking about taking their life. 

If we can do that, hopefully we can save some of those lives. 

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing Ross.Mccafferty@metro.co.uk. 

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