‘Baby, I’ll give you the world,’ rapper Nelly told his exasperated wife and fellow music artist, Ashanti.
He added: ‘I just ain’t changing no diapers.’
This was the frustrating exchange I witnessed on the power couple’s new reality TV show, Nelly and Ashanti: We Belong Together.
As a parenting consultant, I’m absolutely not surprised. Sadly, this mentality from fathers is completely consistent in my professional experience.
A few months ago, I was helping a couple who were struggling with their three-year-old adjusting to a new sibling. They brought me in to give them advice from my years of experience.
I immediately noticed that, on top of the sleep deprivation, there was clearly resentment building fast between them. During our session, the dad – completely seriously – said: ‘I don’t do nappies. That’s her job.’
It wasn’t said in jest. He genuinely believed that nappy changing and everything else that comes with the early stages of parenting wasn’t his responsibility.
This had been evident when the mum and I were trying to find a time where he could be part of the consultation. In the end, he dialled in from the office and only stayed for half of the call, telling his partner that he was ‘too busy making the money – I leave it up to you to sort the children.’
That moment has stuck with me – not because it was unique – but because, sadly, it wasn’t. I’ve lost count of the number of dads I’ve worked with who treat active parenting like an optional extra.
The belief that men can check in when they feel like it, while mums are expected to run the show 24/7, is still alive and well. And it must stop.
The full exchange between Nelly and Ashanti started off with the latter asking: ‘I’m trying to understand how is it that you sleep through when he starts crying? It’s absolutely ridiculous that you’ll still be dead sleep and he’ll be mad loud.’
He flippantly jokingly responded: ‘It’s a gift, I guess. I’m blessed with that tune-out!’
Disagreeing, Ashanti said: ‘No, that means get up [and] it’s your turn to change him.’
That’s when Nelly made the remark about not changing diapers.
Then in a follow-up interview with The Shade Room, Nelly clarified that Ashanti ‘knows whatever she needs, I provide,’ adding that it includes ‘as many nannies as we can have.’ As if that makes it OK.
It’s easy to brush off comments like these. Some will applaud him for his honesty or think it’s fine because he’s just ‘old school’.
But here’s the problem: this kind of honesty isn’t refreshing, it’s regressive. The idea that earning money exempts men from emotional and physical labour at home has been quietly accepted for far too long.
Many men are still raised to believe that their value lies in being providers, not nurturers. And as long as they’re bringing home the money, they don’t need to worry about night feeds or dirty nappies.
This breadwinner mindset is deeply rooted in outdated expectations and society enables it. Men who don’t change nappies are met with understanding shrugs.
Women who express the same resistance? Judged instantly. The double standard couldn’t be clearer: men are allowed to opt out, while women are expected to carry on, no matter the toll it takes.
But it’s not just mums who suffer. These attitudes make things harder for the brilliant dads who do show up, day and night, with zero fuss and full commitment. The ones who see themselves as equal parents, not babysitters.
By normalising the idea that dads are useless in the early years, we’re lowering the bar so far that doing the basics becomes exceptional.
A dad takes his child to a baby class? Hero. Packs a nappy bag? Saint. Stays up all night with a teething baby? Medal-worthy.
Meanwhile, mums are quietly drowning in the background noise of societal expectation, exhausted, under-supported, and often silently resentful.
When I think back to my own early parenting days with my two children, the memories are a blur of night feeds, leaky nappies, and general chaos. But what made it bearable was the fact that my husband and I were in it together.
He changed nappies. He was up in the early hours cleaning vomit off the carpet. He didn’t wait to be asked, he mainly just mucked in. Not because he was ‘helping’, but because he was parenting.
That shared effort meant I didn’t spiral into burnout. It meant I could rest. It meant our children got the benefit of two involved parents from day one.
And perhaps most importantly, it built a foundation of respect and teamwork that carried us through the toughest days and continues now – he is very much a ‘hands-on’ dad.
Part of the solution lies in policy; better paternity leave would go a long way in shifting the outdated stereotype. When men are only given two weeks to bond with their baby, we send the message that their presence isn’t important.
But policy is only part of it. Society matters too, and this is where mums also need to step in.
I know how tempting it is to say, ‘It’s easier if I just do it myself’. I’ve said it too, and if you’ve ever watched a dad pack a bag for a day out, sometimes it really is better to do it yourself. But in doing that, we sometimes unknowingly let our partners off the hook.
We have to stop excusing men from showing up, and start expecting more. Not just for our sake, but for our children’s.
Because involvement matters from day dot. Dads don’t get to sit on the sidelines until the baby can talk or walk, like Nelly openly admitted in that same episode.
The first months of a baby’s life are full of connection, non-verbal communication, and emotional bonding, which includes dads. No dad has ever regretted being involved in those early years, but they have always come to regret not being.
We need to start talking about this differently and stop inequality from festering inside relationships. Being a present, equal parent is the bare minimum.
And if a dad like Nelly can perform to a stadium of 20,000 people on three hours of sleep, he can definitely manage a 3am nappy change.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
Share your views in the comments below.
